(via tullipsink)

today is national suicide prevention day and i want you to know that i am so proud of you for living and being strong.

What I need people to understand is that getting out bed is not easy.

Leaving the house is not easy.

Talking to people is not easy.

Ordering food is not easy.

Making phone calls is not easy. 

I need people to understand, that just because something is easy to them, it may not be that easy to others.

i! love! pickles!!!

This can’t be more real for me.

My three states

social anxiety turns every action into a question. am i chewing too loudly? am i standing awkwardly? what do i do with my hands? was that a stupid thing to say? does that person still think about that thing i said three years ago? do they hate me for it? are those girls all the way across the room laughing at me? 

it honestly is just so exhausting second guessing every fucking movement of every second of every day. being terrified to do anything because it might be wrong and someone might be judging you for it. someone is probably judging me for this. but that’s just the anxiety talking, right? or is it? yes, probably.

or is it?

Empty, short film (x)

Contraction, 2013

I’m off to the movies with my brother. Sorry for the fat and ugliness. I promise I’ll answer messages when I get home (sorry it’s taken me so long!) xx

I’m sorry but I hate this. This girl is so pretty, pretty hair, pretty eyes, altogether she’s very beautiful. I see a thin neck, collar bones, thin arms. I don’t see fat rolls, a double chin, I don’t see an ounce of fat on this girl.

Being I am someone who medically qualifies to be severely obese and has had weight problems her whole life, I am very hurt by this. Honestly I’m insulted. She may not have said something directly to me but it still hurts. If she is fat, then what am I? I have the fat rolls, extra fat on my arms, I don’t have a thigh gap, I don’t have a flat stomach. What am I then? I know I’m fat, I know I’m obese. But I don’t like it. I have PCOS and I can’t lose weight. I try and I try, diets only work to a point. I lose 10-15 pounds then stop. I even exercise every day, for almost two hours. And I still, can’t lose weight.

Dont get me wrong, she’s very beautiful, in face I’m jealous of how pretty she is. But I am hurt and can’t stand, when girls this pretty call themselves fat and ugly. When there’s people like me out there who want to but can’t lose weight.

I’m sorry for all of that, but currently I’m actually in one of the worst cycles of my eating disorder I’ve experienced, and I’ve lost 10kg in a matter of weeks. Every day I look at myself in the mirror completely disgusted with what I see, with the imagine in front of my constantly changing. I subject myself to vomiting, restricting and abuse laxatives. I’m not trying to make myself seem like I have the biggest problems because that’s DEFINITELY not it, I just want to put this out there because I’m sick of people always doing this. Even my own case manager. Like no, you honestly don’t understand. I look at everyone else and see such beauty and I don’t even take their weight into consideration, but for myself it’s all that I see. As for as IM concerned, I’m huge and might as well be obese. It’s a mental illness and people have to understand how difficult and painful it is to live with ALL DAY EVERY DAY. I’ve struggled with my weight for my whole life, and have been considered overweight for a decent proportion of it. Now my days are completely consumed with thoughts about food, weight, everything like that. I’m genuinely so sorry for your struggles but please just understand that there are much more to people than what lies at the surface. I hope you’re okay and things improve for you though, and I hope you don’t find this rude or anything x

why do parents get so upset about little things like goddamn I left a plate in the sink not a dead body

“I was afraid to actually live because the fear of something happening to make me unhappy was greater than the desire to actually try to be happy.” - Eliza Coupe