evermore, reimagined as a novel

“So, I just went to, just looking back, this exact day a year ago, I was not playing a sold out stadium in Tampa, I was in a courtroom in Denver, Colorado, and um, honestly, I was there for a sexual assault case, and this day a year ago was the day that the jury decided in my favor, and said that they believed me. And I really, I’m not, I don’t want to, I just want to think about all the people who weren’t believed or who haven’t been believed, or who are afraid to speak up because they don’t think they will be believed. And I just want to say that I’m sorry to everyone who ever wasn’t believed because I don’t know what turn my life would take if people hadn’t believed me when I said that something had happened. And I just wanted to say that we have so, so, so much further to go, and I’m so grateful for you guys for being there for me during what was a really, really horrible part of my life. So I just wanted to say that, and to thank you for everything, and to thank you for, I know that when I meet you guys in meet-and-greet before and after shows, and you tell me about the hard times you’ve gone through in your lives, and I just appreciate you trusting me with that information. And you’ve seen me going through the ups and downs of my life, just due to the public nature of the way my life is, and I wanted to say I’m so happy to see you and to have you and to know you through the ups and the downs of my life, so thank you for everything. [crying] Sorry, I just haven’t really talked about it, and I’m just really not composed at all. So uh, awhile ago, I wrote a song, that’s about how I feel when you guys all come together, and are so wonderfully supportive and incredible, and so for me, this song is always, always going to be about you, ups and downs, win or lose, you guys have always been there for me, so thank you so much for that.”

“So, um, ever since I was about 16 years old I’ve been living my life and my career on a pretty predictable schedule. I would put out an album, go on tour, put out an album, go on tour, put out an album, go on tour. This happened 5 times in a row exactly like that. So, the first time that I ever broke that pattern was with this last album and this last tour, I decided that it was really important to me to figure out who I would be and what my life would be like if I didn’t have a spotlight on me all the time. And it turned out it was really important for me. But I really did miss you guys. Because you know, I think one thing that every single person in this stadium has in common is that every single one of us is pining away for a sense of connection from someone else. Whether its a friendship or you want to fall in love or you just want someone to say to you ‘you feel that way? Oh, I feel that way too, I feel that way all the time.’ There’s something that happens with your brain and your heart when someone just says 'yes, I understand how you feel, I felt that way too.’ And so, standing here on this stage, when I look out into a crowd and I see that you’re singing along to the words of a song that I wrote when I was in a really low place or a lonely place, that’s that sense of connection its like 'oh, you felt that way too, okay, that makes me feel a little better about having felt that way.’ And when it comes to connection, I think that reaching out and saying 'here’s how I feel, how do you feel about that?’ is a really brave thing to do. Because, whether its a friendship or its someone you really, really have a crush on, or someone you want to be with, someone you wish would want to see all your sights with you and walk all of your steps with you. First of all, its brave to want that, and its brave to vocalise that you want that and verbalise it. Because, on one hand, on one hand you have this miraculous, incredible chance that that person will look at you and go 'yes, I want that too.’ Either, 'I want to be your friend’, or 'yes, I want to be with you, I want to get to know you better, I want all that with you.’ But there's also this devastating, heartbreaking possibility that this person will look at you and say 'I’m sorry, I don’t want that, I don’t want to get to know you better, I don’t want those things with you.’ And that’s why I think it’s really brave to put yourself out there and go searching for someone who feels the way you feel because its all really, relationships, it’s just delicate, you know.”

excluding Ben, the Hargreeves boys all collectively share one braincell and it’s Five’s