The Waitressing Chronicles: Wherein Dani does not refill your soda 20 times just because she thinks it’s SO MUCH FUN.

Tonight was one of the worst kinds of nights you can have in the restaurant industry. It was a pretty busy Saturday night, the kitchen was running smoothly, my coworkers and I were coexisting peacefully, and 99% of my tables were awesome, and I really had fun serving them. (Yes, I did say ‘worst’. I’m getting to that part, hold on….).

Some of them were a little needy, but after you’ve served for a few years, you start developing a sort of spidy-sense about which guests are going to require 30 diet coke refills, 5 servings of chips and salsa and roughly 2 gallons of ranch before they even crack there menus open (seriously…I think some people have such an addiction to ranch, that if it isn’t constantly on their table, regardless of the presence of any other actual food, they start to develop anxiety. Some people need to carry around EPI pens in case of emergency….I carry around ranch dressing. You’re welcome), so I was prepared. Even my needy tables didn’t rattle me too much this evening.

Generally speaking, all of the components necessary for a pretty kick-ass shift were present and accounted for.

And then my tables started cashing out. 10%tip, 5% tip, no tip, no tip, 10%….20%, FINALLY! Oh…wait…they didn’t do their math correctly, that’s actually only a $2 tip. Wonderful.

My enthusiasm for my job and my shift plummeted rapidly and I was ready to stuff my hot towel in my apron and go home faster than the cheapskate at table 7 could say “Keep the Change" as he handed me $40 for his $38.64 tab.

Some people just genuinely don’t know any better, and I recognize that. Sometimes I’m a little off my game, and I fully own up to that as well. But tonight was not one of those nights. I was on point…and I’m good at what I do.

So let me deviate a little bit from my normal Chronicling to give something of a PSA on behalf of waitstaff everywhere.

80% of servers make under minimum wage. This is a fact. A miserable, lamentable fact. The hourly wages that our employers provide are essentially just so that the government has something to take as far as immediate taxes on our tip money, and we don’t get slammed with having to pay it all back at once in April. Our “paychecks", therefore, are usually somewhere in the neighborhood of $30. If that. It’s a pretty crummy system, and believe me when I say that we’d probably rather be making a steady and reliable hourly wage instead of depending on tips, but unfortunately that’s not the society we live in.

So. Your tip. How much do you tip, and who gets it?

A lot of that depends on the restaurant you’re in. Look around you. Do you see hosts and hostesses? Is there a bartender? A busser? If any/all of these people are present, rest assured that your server does not get to keep all of their tips.

We “tip out” to all of the other support staff (busser, host, QA expo, bartender, etc.) at the end of every shift. The amount of money we tip out to these staff is determined, not by how much money we make, but by how much we’ve sold. For example, at Chilis, I tip out 3% of my total sales at the end of the night. (So if I sold $100 worth of food and drinks, my tip out would be $3. Last night, I had $1100 in sales, and had to leave behind $33).

What does this mean? This means, that if you don’t leave a tip, or only leave $1 or $2 (assuming your total tab wasn’t $10.) your server actually loses money on your table. We still have to pay taxes and tip out based on the amount of food YOU ordered, not to mention that you sat there, and took up one of my tables for 2 hours, which I could easily have flipped twice in that time had you not felt the need to camp out and then leave me $2 (I’M TALKING TO YOU, TABLE 36.)

It pretty much boils down to this: a 10% tip is the bare minimum. It means mediocre service, and relates a relatively neutral - bordering on negative message to your server about how they did their job.  15% indicates that you’re content and happy, and your server was proficient at taking care of you. 20% is excellent. Excellent food, excellent service, excellent everything. That’s how we read your tips.

Also, you can basically write whatever you want in the tip line. If your total bill was $45.67, and you write in a $5,000 tip, and then write “$45.67” on the total line, and sign it…..guess how much I’m authorized to charge your card for? That’s right. $45.67. So please (PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE) double check your math when you’re totaling out your bill. I lost no less than $27 in tips last night simply because people couldn’t Math correctly.  Perhaps ranch dressing in excess has an adverse affect on people’s ability to do basic arithmetic. Or perhaps it’s a complication of margarita-induced brain freezes. Either way. It sucks. Please don’t suck.

Tipping is not optional, and it is not a privilege for the server. Back in the day, it probably was, but unfortunately, that’s no longer the case. When you sit down at a restaurant there is an unspoken understanding between you and your server. It’s their responsibility to make sure you have a stellar, enjoyable and relaxing meal, and it’s your responsibility to make sure they can afford to pay their rent. And before you start in on me (because I can hear the rumbling of offended restaurant goers from here, like distant thunder…calm yourselves, beasts!) about how entitled you are to not-tip, let me tell you now, honey child, I’ve heard every retort in the book.

“Your restaurant should pay you better, that’s not my fault” - Well. Yes. I agree. But they don’t. So it sucks for both of us. But until it’s announced that tipping is no longer needed in the service industry, the burden of determining my “paycheck"falls on you Trust me, I’m not happy about it either.

"You should just be happy that I left anything at all.” - If your tip was in addition to the $10/hr my restaurant was paying me, you bet your left shoe I’d be happy for any little bit you wanted to throw my way. But they don’t. And I know you know that, faithful restaurant eater. So when you walk out, leaving me $3 after having waited on your family of 6’s $130 meal, I’m going to interpret that as a direct and intentional personal insult. You may have thought you were coming out on top by not leaving the appropriate $13-$26 that your bill merited, but really now you’re just a dick. And I can promise you that every server who was working that night will know about it. Good luck getting chipper service next time you try to come to our restaurant. We remember.

“Tips are dependent upon how well you do. That’s what TIPS means. ‘To Insure Proper Service.” - I almost don’t even want to respond to this one, but unfortunately it’s a very popular notion. First off, lemme just lay it out there that if you believe this, you’re a dumbass. For multiple reasons. If that acronym was in fact true, they would be called “teps” (to…ENSURE….proper service. English, for the win!) and you would give them to be at the beginning on the meal. Because that’s what “to ensure proper service” implies. How comfortable would you be if you had to tip your server at the beginning of the meal, knowing full well that you had to sit there for the next 45 - 60 minutes facing the person you just handed $2 as you ask for 3 more sides of Barbeque sauce, a 5th coke and some ranch.(Just because of reasons. Everyone needs ranch. ) You’d probably be a little uncomfortable, wouldn’t you? You’d probably shell out a lot more were that the case, wouldn’t you? How great is it for you that you get to demand special ordered food and request exactly 45 napkins one at a time from your server and then immediately slip away into the night after leaving your server $1.63. You’re such a champ, a real stand-up type of person. I hope your kids leave legos in the hallway tonight, and you step on three of them as you stumble to the bathroom at 3am.

“Why don’t you just get a real job. You’re choosing this lifestyle” - Whoa buddy, whoa. Did you really just say that to me? Let’s rewind this a little bit. I’m on my feet, running, squatting, lifting trays, clearing dishes, entertaining table after table, pretending to love being regaled by the intricacies of your oh-so-fascinating life and reassuring you that your baby IS the most adorable baby I’ve ever seen for 6-10 hours a day. Usually, unless I have time to take a bathroom break (please note that I didn’t say “need” to take a bathroom break. If. I. Have. Time.) , the first time I get to sit down after walking through those doors and clocking in is when I get back in my car to go home at the end of the night. Someone please tell me how that’s not a “real” job? Or how it’s any less “real” than your 9-5 office job? I bet that desk chair does a real number on your lower back. Your office manager should really look into providing you with the lumbar support you deserve. Please, tell me more about it as I stand at your table side balancing 30lbs of dishes on one hand that you seem to be oblivious to, as you continue to complain about your cushy job.

   You have a valid point though, in that I did choose this job. For me, personally, I know that waiting tables is only temporary. The tips I earn go towards food, gas, insurance, cell phone, car payments, my gym membership, student loans, text books and other basic life-needs (shampoo is expensive ommgggg). I’m also trying to save up so I can afford to move to New York after I finish my Master’s Degree. I’ve got a lot on my plate, but not nearly as much as some of the other wonderful people I work with. Take, for example, the 20 year old single mother of 2 who was in the section next to mine last night. I’m not sure if she finished high school or not, but her kids are her life now. She started waiting tables at 16 so that she could afford to buy diapers and formula every night before she went home. Waiting tables isn’t just her “get me through school” job. It’s her career. It’s how she feeds her kids. So go ahead, leave her no tip on your $120 check, table 23. I hope that pasta you inhaled gives you heartburn. And she’s not the only one. Every single server in any restaurant you eat in is at your mercy to provide for themselves and their family. That is the responsibility you sign up for when you walk into a dine-in restaurant. It is an unfortunate part of American culture.

Don’t like it? Go to a drive-through. That’s what they’re there for. Better yet….stay home. Cook for yourself.

If you can’t afford to tip, you can’t afford to eat out. I know that sounds harsh, but it’s completely true.

Thank you to those of you who are awesome. Awesome people and fun tables actually make this a pretty kickass job a lot of the time. Keep up the awesome. If you doubt your level of restaurant awesome, never fear! It’s totally something you can build up over time, kind of like distance running or heavy lifting. Baby steps. You’ll get there.

Some guy just mansplained space to an actual fucking astronaut.

tfw correcting misinformation is written off as mansplaining

tfw when idiots on tumblr who know jack shit about thermo assume the dude is ‘correcting misinformation’ when actually he’s dead ass wrong. ‘Spontaneous’ is a scientific term - it means a reaction with a negative Gibb’s free energy, i.e. a reaction that will occur without an external energy input, i.e. water boiling because of low atmospheric pressure. Spontaneous is absolutely the correct term for what she’s observing, and that is ‘simple thermo’, and this is ‘correcting misinformation’.

Have a nice day.

i’d take the cash and spit in their drinks

I fucking hate customers like this

Also unless you’re just getting like a few drinks, five is a shitty tip.

Honestly if I knew beforehand that the max tip u were gonna give me would be five bucks you’d get the most minimal degree of service I could provide.

Don’t do this. This is the most disrespectful thing on earth.

“We have always talked about doing this. Boy honey wouldn’t it be fun to taunt the person likely making below minimum wage who is already expending far more emotional labor on winning our approval than we’ll ever show our own children. What if we just left money out on the table, just to watch them sing and dance for our sense of gratification and take a dollar away for every time they don’t sit back and clap like a performing seal. Boy I sure do love being a shitstain on the underpants of humanity.”

fucking disgusting. classist fuckholes. 

This is so gross. I despise customers who think they’re above the people serving them and mock them/treat them like trained monkeys for their own sick entertainment. 

Not-so-funny story - when I worked at a liquor store I had a man repeatedly hand me $200 in cash for his purchase and then snatch it back and laugh like a six year old when I tried to take it (he did this about four or five times, and kept cackling bc it was clearly making me uncomfortable), then told me “No money for you until I get a smile and a ‘Thank you, Sir’”. I begrudgingly half-smiled a few times and each time he was like “No, a bigger smile! You want your big sale, don’t you?” (tbh I didn’t give a single fuck bc I didn’t work on commission and we had customers coming in making purchases of $3000 or more on a regular basis, so… Still wouldn’t make it ok, though obvs.) 

Anyway, when I refused and told him he was holding up the line, he demanded to talk to my manager and then proceeded to tell my manager that I was giving him shitty service, and that if I didn’t smile and repeat what he’d told me to say, he’d cancel his purchase. Luckily my manager was cool and told him he could either pay for his shit or gtfo, but it didn’t stop him being a fuckwad. As he was leaving, he reached over the counter, patted me on the shoulder and condescendingly said “It’s ok love, the big ordeal’s over, you can relax now” and walked out laughing to himself. 

Retail and hospitality workers don’t exist for you to play out your fucked up power fantasies. If you can’t treat service staff like human beings and show them at least basic respect then stay under a rock like the slimy insect that you are. 

unless your meal is only 10-15 bucks $5 is a shit tip and to attempt to literally taunt someone with?? and a dude considering $200 in a liquor store to be a “big sale” are you shitting me???? why is always the cheapest motherfuckers!!!!

if i was to get tipped $5 on $50 i'd only get $2.50 or $100 get $0 because of my mandatory 5% sales tip out. fuck this guy.

Mmmm what if we didn’t

“i’m a gender conforming male who only wants to date lesbians because they’re the only ones who will ‘validate’ my gender identity”

WTF? How does her being butch make her a guy? I mean I also don’t like her biphobia but like shut the fuck up with that misgendering bullshit.

are you lost lol

you’re a goddamn idiot, because filipinx people can be considered both asian and pacific islanders. many identify as both, as i do when i’m asked my race on forms. 

so once again, if you’re an east asian person, you may be light skinned, but south asian and south east asian people are not necessarily. 

first, any particular reason why you've singled out asian people? secondly, you're gonna have to specify which kind of asian people you're being blatantly racist about, cuz pacific islander asians and south asians aren't light skinned.

also with an argument like "race is made up, it doesn't matter," you've discounted racism every other race experiences too. congrats, in an attempt say me being lighter skinned means i'm 100% the same as a white person, you've shit on all non-white people.

this is where tumblr race theory has brought us: it’s okay to make fun of female incest victims as long as they’re white. 

unsure why she has yesallwomen as her title. interesting.

i’m amazed. i don’t want to dismiss any of the racism in the radical feminist community, because i know it’s alive and well, but how did we get to a point where some people think this line of thinking is okay?

Tumblr race theory what the fuck are you talking about ? Also the joke about incest is of poor taste and not something I support but it’s joke about incest being more practiced/accepted in white community which is a historical fact. I can provide sources but I’m on mobile. As a radical feminist I don’t support it but don’t use this as a moment to spew some shit you’ve Been bottling up. There’s nothing about race theory in black twitter.. There’s nothing theoretical about it,

i don’t give two fucks about how commonly it’s practiced among white people. why would it being common make it any funnier?

just because white people don’t experience racism doesn’t mean white incest victims don’t deserve support, and to be honest i’m offended that you are arriving to the conclusion that i’m some secret racist because i don’t agree with belittling incest victims, even white ones.

i’m allowed to critique people who have misused real race theory to justify their misogynist and victim blaming behavior.

What the fuck are you talking about you’re reaching really far.. Did you read what I wrote or are you just so mad that you can’t see straight ?

“but don’t use this as a moment to spew some shit you’ve Been bottling up”

how am i not supposed to interpret this as “you’re using this moment to prove what a racist you really are”?

and yes, i am mad. i am furious that we have arrived at a place in time where it’s okay to post this:

making fun of incest victims, but it’s okay because they’re white. it’s not just “in poor taste,” it’s fucking appalling. 

Finally got one w the meme in it. Thanks.

I would like to see your sources stating that white people more commonly practice incest. And I’m not saying that as some offended white girl (I mean, I’m Syrian, so), but because I remember reading about a female black rights activist who wrote a book about how serious of an issue incest is within the black community. I’ve been presented with two differing opinions that both claim they have statistics to back up their opinions, so I’d like to become more educated on the topic and see where the truth lies.

to me, the issue has never been whether or not it's more common among white people. the fact that it happens at all, to any children or women, is appalling enough for me.

go ahead and post them, at least i have the balls to attach my name to my posts ☕️also, i have never called myself a woc because i personally don't identify with the term, just non-white. tell me though, what's worse: someone hunting someone else down for being "racist," making blogs with their name over KKK pictures, and then actually turning out to be white; or, a non-white mixed race woman who has identified as "white" to gain some sort of cohesive social location?

again, if you'd like to attach your name to this, i'll be waiting.

Saying violent homophobes in power are actually gay never was or will be funny and/or a radical statement of revolution, period.

​@ that post saying to electrocute mike pence until hes gay