ACOMAF Drunk History Part 5
Cassian: *now sporting a black eye courtesy of Nesta and holding a raw steak against his face* Previously on ACOMAF Drunk History, Feybae had just found out that her neighbor Clare Beddor got fried to a crisp thanks to Amerlanta (not an evil crock-pot as some sources said), and raced off to Prythian to save her beloved douchebag in distress, Tamlint. She rides all the way back to the spring manor and finds the place in shambles (and not because of a Tamlint tantrum, for once). Everyone’s pretty much gone except for this chick called Alis, who’s Feybae’s scary handmaiden or something. Alis tells Feybae that Tamlint’s been stolen away by Amerlanta, and Fey’s all, “I MUST SAVE MY LOVE.” And Alis is like, “Mmm, bitch, better not.” But Feybae’s stubborn as fuck, and no one’s gonna tell her no, so off she goes. She gets to this creepy ass mountain and tries to sneak inside but gets caught by some creepy-ass lizard bat called the Attor. The Attor drags poor Feybae into Amerlanta’s throne room, and Ricesand is like, “FUCK. HOT HANDS. NO. WHATERYOUDOINGHEREEEE?” Except only on the inside; on the outside he’s gotta look like a cold motherfucker, cause, you know, he’s still pretending to be Amerlanta’s bitch. Not one to be deterred by something like imminent death, Feybae marches up to Amerlanta and goes, “Put my boyfriend back where he came from or so help me!” And Amerlanta’s just like, “Oooookay. But first you’ve gotta complete my version of the Hunger Games.”
Cassian: Yeah, it’s a thing, Feyre. God, read a fucking book every now and then, would ya? ANYWAY, Feybae’s like, “Okay, fine I’ll play your stupid game as long as you pinky swear to let Tamlint go if I win.” And Amerlanta’s like, “Yeah, yeah, sure, whatever. Let the games begin, and may the odds be ever in your favor. Now Attor, beat the shit outta her.” And then Fey’s like, “Welp. These next three months are going to fucking suck.”
So the first trial happens. Feybae faces off against this monster called the Middengirdle Wyrm–which, sidenote, is actually some dragon thing without legs or wings, and NOT a big pink earthworm–and this bitch is a total fuckin badass. She kills this thing with the bones of its own meals and then just chucks one right at Amerlanta’s face. Bad. Ass. Totally turns on Rhysespieces, who’s all, “DaYUM, Hot Hands, got some skillz.” And then for some reason, possibly insanity, he hallucinates that I’M there and say some shit like, “If you don’t marry her, you stupid prick, I will.” Which is just … no. Feybae’s like a sister to me, and I don’t condone incest you fuckin weirdo. Jesus.
But despite her stunning performance, there’s one minor problem. Feybae stabbed herself through the arm with one the worm bones and is now dying in a dungeon cell. And then here’s this dick *points his thumb at Rhys* who immediately thinks, “Awwww HELL yeah, this is my IN!” So he saunters down to Feybae’s cell and is like, “I’m going to make you an offer you can’t refuse,” but Fey’s like, “Bitch I MIGHT.” So Rhys is like, “*sigh* FINE, guess we have to do this the hard way,” and just grabs that worm bone sticking outta her arm and fuckin’ twists… *pauses and looks over at Rhys* You know, dude, that’s pretty fucked up. If I had a rubber hose, I’d beat you–
Rhys: I KNOW IT WAS A DICK MOVE, OKAY, I WAS DESPERATE.
Cassian: Yeah, yeah, calm down, I’m just giving you shit. So anyway, Rhys twists Feyre’s arm–ha … twists her arm … get it?–and gets her to agree to a bargain with him. Help in the trials in exchangefor one week with him for the rest of her life. Creepy. As. Fuck. So the next trial comes and goes, but no one really cares about that one except for the Lucien fans, so we’ll skip it and save some time.
Cassian: … where’d you come from?
Lucien: I’ve literally been here the ENTIRE TIME.
Cassian: Huh. Didn’t notice. Which is weird since it looks like your freaking head is constantly on fire. Anyway, just keep quiet for now, Lucy, no one’s really gonna care about you until the end of book 2 anyway.
Feyre: What are these books you keep talking about?
Cassian: Jesus, Feyre, I thought you weren’t illiterate anymore. I don’t have TIME to explain what a fucking book is, I’ve gotta speed this shit up! Now STOP interrupting me. So, as I was saying, the second trial comes and goes, and the night before the third trial, Tamlint shows just how much of a tool bag he really is. Everyone’s distracted with the party, and he’s got the prime opportunity to sneak our poor Feybae out of there if he really wanted to. But, as we all know, Tamlint thinks with his dick, so what does he do? He tries to fuck her in a broom closet. And poor Fey’s like, “WEll, I’m probs gonna die tomorrow anyway, so might as well get some dick,” and they’re about to go at it like two rabbits on Easter, when Rice walks in on them. And he. is. livid. Mainly because Tamlint is a selfish prick, but also a liiiiittle bit cause he’s like, “Damn, why didn’t I have this closet tryst idea first?”
Rhys: *scoffing* That is … *turning red* not even a little bit true! My SOLE concern was for Feyre’s safety.
Feyre: *arms crossed, staring at Rhys* Mmhm.
Cassian: So, Rice, all pissed and horny, pulls Tamlint off his girl and lays a wet, sloppy one on her to distract Amerlanta. And it works, so Feybae lives to see her third trial. First, she has to kill two unfortunate fae, and then she pulls the hood off the last one and DUN DUN DUUUUUUNNNNNN, it’s Tamlint. And Amerlanta’s like, “Surprise, bitch.” But Feyre’s like, “No, surprise to YOU, bitch, I’ve got a photographic memory and remember insignificant details of random conversations! He’s got a heart of stone!” And then she fuckin slams that ash dagger into his chest, and God, wouldn’t we all have been happier if he’d just died on the spot. *dreamy sigh* But, regrettably, he lives. And the crowd goes wild, and everyone’s like, “Yeeeeeah, we love Feybae! You’re doing amazing, sweetie! You won!” But Amerlanta, that see-you-next-Tuesday, is like, “Yeah no.” And Feybae goes, “BUT YOU PINKY SWORE!” And Amerlanta’s like, “I had my fingers crossed behind my back, bitch! DIE!” And then she just starts torturing the shit outta Feybae, which causes Rhysy Piecey to TOTALLY lose it. And everyone’s fighting and Feyre’s dying and everything seems like it’s going to shit UNTIL. Feyre. Answers. The Riddle.
