Vespula: You like him.

Jaskier: Who, Geralt? *panics internally because it has been 20+ years and it’s the first time someone directly pointed out that he is hopelessly in love with the witcher* I guess. Platonically.

Shoutout to those extra nobles whispering things like "that was incredible" and "he's amazing" in the scene where Jaskier performs Extraordinary Things for having objectively the most correct response to that song

enchanted

tip jar

Back to Binghe with The Hopeful Hybrid’s Househusbanding System, I was thinking about the different foods he’d get to try while in modern Japan, and which ones he’d be able to make himself when he gets back to Cang Qiong. And just… my heart tells me he’d be home for about five months before he cracks and makes himself a burger. And the only reason he waits so long is because hamburgers would probably look so uncivilized in how messy they can be to eat to his fellow sect members, not at all dainty or refined or elegant, just big hunk of meat and bread and assorted toppings you eat with your hands, and it drips if you put sauce on it or cook it anything less than well-done-!

But also, like. Craving.

So he figures out how to make a decent bun with the flour and cooking methods he has available, makes a burger with some veg and various sauces on it, then hides in the kitchen to eat it, absolutely sure that the scents of all the other foods he cooks in there will hide it, and thus he won’t be disgracing himself in front of Shizun. And if he gets caught he’s 100% planning on playing the ‘it’s a demonic dish and I’m trying to get in touch with the portions of my heritage I find tasteful.’

Except he doesn’t actually expect to get caught, because why would Shizun go in the kitchen? Because why would Binghe know that his teacher is a millennial and thus can be lured out of hiding by the scent of burgers, pizza, chicken nuggets, and the like? Meaning Binghe’s just absolutely lost in enjoying his first burger in months when suddenly Shizun is right there, looking down at Binghe curiously and asking what he’s eating, with a spark of genuine interest in his eyes.

Skipping over Binghe tripping over his own words and then somehow surrendering his burger to Shizun and then suffering the duality of ‘Shizun likes my cooking and isn’t judging me for eating something weird~!’ and ‘noooooo, Shizun, my burger!’, the ‘new dish’ is approved of and Binghe receives both permission and encouragement to continue making them, including for others if he wants to. Binghe is exultant, even if this isn’t actually a demonic recipe Shizun doesn’t know that and he’s still okay with it, Shizun is the most bestest, wonderfulest, coolest-!!!

…

…but also he’s going to pass the recipe on to Sha Hualing and Mobei-jun and tell them to spread it around a bit just so he’s got his bases covered on it being a demonic food, just in case. Mobei-jun listens, recalls that food is apparently something you should give pathetic men if you’re trying to romance them, and tries this ‘new demonic recipe’ on Shang Qinghua. Shang Qinghua takes one look at the result, bursts into tears, actually growls when Mobei-jun tries to take it back under the impression that he’s miscalculated, then devours his burger exactly like a semi-feral author-person who hasn’t had a burger in over forty years. This earns the recipe a spot next to hand-pulled noodles on Mobei-jun’s list of things he knows Shang Qinghua likes, and Mobei-jun himself some very earnest offers of sex.

Meanwhile Shen Yuan’s confidently telling himself that it’s totally straight to decide you’re going to let another guy court you with the intention of marriage just because he knows how to make the closest thing you’ve had to a teriyaki burger in years, absolutely normal straight guy behaviour.

Important question: What’s Sha Hualing getting out of being friends with Binghe and vice versa?

Important answer: She’s teaching Binghe actual, real, current demon realm customs and etiquette (because, bless him, Mobei-jun is Not the right person for that, I’m not sure how much he knows about his own realm’s customs, let alone the wider realm’s). In return, Binghe’s teaching her every single annoying delinquent pose, phrase, and technique in the book that he learned from Masa, because Sha Hualing loves chaos, and is also smart enough to know that that doing that delinquent squatting crouch while eating a stick of tanghulu will probably make her legs look great even as she incites rage in all who see her. Being able to really, really piss someone off just by crouching somewhere and having a universally acceptable treat is valuable data not to be scoffed at.

Wait, wait. Wait a minute.

(Goes over Hopeful Hybrid’s Househusbanding System notes) So Binghe never joined Huan Hua, Gongyi Xiao is alive because precious child, Old Palace Master is dead and nothing of value was lost…

…

…guys, I think I just accidentally put in a series of events that could lead Gongyi Xiao to becoming the next Master of Huan Hua Palace if he plays his cards right, since he’s a lovely person and a skilled cultivator. Except he might be too busy sneaking off to Cang Qiong to see the hot snake demon guy who was with Tianlang-jun at the Old Palace Master’s trial.

…

…okay, thoughts on this, anyone? My own current ones are Gongyi Xiao ends up as the new master of Huan Hua and Zhuzhi-lang ends up married to him for some very good political reasons that are mostly a cover for the fact that Gongyi Xiao thinks Zhuzhi is very pretty and wants to give him nice things or else Gongyi Xiao just goes full-on rogue cultivator and travels around with Zhuzhi-lang and his uncle as they re-conquer the demon realm.

Both these versions of events involve Gongyi Xiao seeing Zhuzhi-lang’s birth form at some point and internally going, “Hm, I’m learning all kinds of things about myself and what I’m into today. Neat!”

Ooooo, best of both worlds! Gongyi Xiao keeps trying to go rogue cultivator to prove his interest in Zhuzhi-lang, and Huan Hua keeps going “Absolutely not, We. Need. Good. Leadership!” And Gongyi Xiao keeps going, “Yeah, well I need a heavenly snake demon boyfriend, go away.”

I dunno, Gongyi Xiao just has that tendency to be absolutely ride or die, and I would be remiss to not take full advantage of that. Tianlang-jun absolutely does not approve of this match, but Zhuzhi doesn’t seem particularly interested in the cultivator so for now it’s funny enough to allow to continue.

It stops being funny when Tianlang-jun casually mentions what a pity it is about Zhuzhi’s looks in the presence of both his nephew and his nephew’s suitor and the cultivator draws his sword on him all, “Excuse me, I must have misheard you, could the future Junshang kindly repeat himself?”

Tianlang-jun: (too dumbfounded in the moment to even be offended due to the topic) Have you even seen him in his natural form?

Gongyi Xiao: Yes, and? Does the future Junshang require a trip to Elder Mu? The eyes of his current vessel must be failing if he is under the impression that his nephew is anything but radiant, no matter his form.

Meanwhile Zhuzhi-lang is watching all this kind of dumbfounded, because. Wow. He had 100% not actually believed Gongyi Xiao when the cultivator said stuff like this about him earlier, it was probably a bluff or a lie or something to try and get in good with Junshang, but apparently that is Not The Case and he’s about to try and throw hands with Junshang because Junshang stated the obvious. This guy is about to die because he seems to genuinely believe that Zhuzhi-lang is pretty. Wow.

…

Tianlang-jun: (noticing the way Zhuzhi is suddenly eyeing Gongyi Xiao with more interest) But nephew, he’s Huan Hua.

Gongyi Xiao: Please, I’m trying so hard no to be.

Zhuzhi-lang: Okay, I’ll marry you.

Gongyi-xiao: What?

Zhuzhi-lang: As you humans say, a drop of kindness should be repaid by a flood.

(Cue Tianlang-jun going and draping himself over Yue Qingyuan’s paperwork to bemoan all this while Gongyi Xiao learns the source of Zhuzhi-lang’s philosophy and starts trying to explain the intent behind the concept in a less blunt-force-trauma-of-repayment sort of way while also emphasizing that he would very much like to be with Zhuzhi but only if Zhuzhi wants to be with him, not out of any sense of obligation.)

OH MY GOSH, THEY INITIALLY MEET DUE TO THE OLD PALACE MASTER GETTING REAL DEAD, BUT THEY GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER WHILE YUE QINGYUAN AND TIANLANG-JUN ARE MIA IN THE DEMON REALM!!! Because Zhuzhi-lang is, of course, required to go look for Junshang, and Gongyi-xiao is of the opinion that Huan Hua Palace owes Cang Qiong a great debt for getting them entangled in their mess and also Tianlang-jun for, you know, the wrongful imprisonment and torture, so he goes along to help find Tianlang-jun and Yue Qingyuan, because they went missing at the same time so it’s possible that they’re still together!

And Zhuzhi-lang is all, “You know, human, if you’re trying to feign interest to get in my good graces, there are less insultingly obvious ways to do it.”

To which Gongyi-xiao goes, “I mean… this is kind of important? You’re hot, but you’re not that hot. Getting to go with you is a bonus, and I won’t lie and say that the Junshang being important to you doesn’t play a part, but like… My sect really messed up. A stain may never come fully clean, but that is no excuse to stop scrubbing before you have given it your all.”

Zhushi-lang: (…okay, maybe I need to fuck him just a little.)

And they continue going on their search and getting to know each other better, and TLJ and YQY make it back to the sect without them, but they still have a cute little arc of the sort that lets the reader know, “Oh, it’s not just infatuation over looks, there’s something there that a solid relationship could actually be built on.” And from here on out Zhuzhi starts to get genuinely flustered when Gongyi-xiao flirts with him as opposed to just, “I saw first-hand what happened when my uncle dated a member of your sect, what in the three realms makes you think I’m going to do it?”

Which leads to the conversation with TLJ about GYX thinking ZZL is always pretty, no matter what form he’s in, triggering ZZL’s ride-or-died gratitude protocol, leading to more cute moments and then- oh, oh!

Then enough time has passed that representatives of Huan Hua Palace are like, “Seriously, we really really really need a new Palace Master who’s competent and trustworthy and you are the only viable option, get back here before the sect crumbles in on itself and the power vacuum causes a war! We do not need or want a war!!!”

And Gongyi-xiao finally concedes that, yes, he really does need to be responsible, no matter how much he likes Zhuzhi… but he’s not leaving without one last effort! Which is going to Zhuzhi-lang and inviting him to come with him, come be an advisor or a liaison or anything he wants to call it, but come so he doesn’t have to do this alone… and so that together they can do their best to make sure that what happened with Zhuzhi-lang’s uncle and Gongyi-xiao’s shijie never happens again.

Zhuzhi-lang: 0///0

Zhuzhi-lang: …I want to be palace mistress.

Gongyi-xiao: Done! Spring wedding?

Zhuzhi-lang: Summer.

Gongyi-xiao: Awesome!

They proceed to get their shit sorted out in record time (especially for this setting), and are the first couple to get married. Binghe is understandably jealous, but also recognizes that Shizun is a refined, elegant being who requires a properly lengthy courtship now that he’s finally agreed to allow Binghe to court him.

(Meanwhile Shen Yuan is desperately trying to convince himself that it’s totally straight to want to kiss the protagonist, who wouldn’t want to kiss the protagonist and maybe touch his chest a little, it’s one of his protagonist powers-!!! (Shang Qinghua, in contrast, is readying his presentation of ‘So you finally noticed you aren’t completely straight, and why I’m going to be very supportive while also laughing at you.’ He’s been waiting for this moment for years and his body is ready.))

A reviewer over on AO3 asked about how Binghe got back to the SVSSS world, and what started as a quick response turned into a new segment because AO3 has word limits, so here we are.

In regards to how Binghe originally left… well. He got to Tatsu and co. by falling into the Endless Abyss, getting stolen by a System mid-plummet, and landing in modern Japan instead of the Abyss. To get home, my heart tells me that his System told him to get on a certain train at a specific time. Tatsu, Masa, and a few others saw him off at the train station, saw him onto the train, and he waved at them as he left from a window. Then the train started moving, picked up speed, entered its first tunnel, the lights flicker once, twice, a third time, and the ground drops out from Binghe’s feet with no warning.

He plummets. It’s just as terrifying as when he fell into the Abyss four years ago except, instead of the sensation of his cultivation and newly-awakened demonic heritage vanishing like they’d never been, twin pools of power blossom awake inside of him, one cool and serene, one hot and lively, and both utterly and completely <em>him</em>. His eyes, which he’d shut in surprise, snap open, he hits the ground in a roll, and then a moment later dodges to the side to avoid getting beaned in the head by his duffel bag of the stuff he acquired while he was training in the way of the househusband.

Binghe’s System: [Congratulations congratulations congratulations! Important things must be said three times! Host has successfully returned to home setting! New quest line available: Untested harmony. You can you up! <3 <3 <3]

He’s at the foot of a cliff on the border between the human and demon realms, cultivation returned, demonic powers awake, slightly bruised, and oh, right, he’d had claws when he left due to the demonic heritage thing, they vanished when he got to Japan and he forgot about those, huh. And, yup, a little feeling around has revealed pointy teeth and ears, great, better get the hand mirror from his toiletries pouch and see what his face looks like now… -_-U*

This is when it’s revealed that Binghe’s not the only thing that’s changed in transit - the stuff he brought with him (some clothes, toiletries, a couple notebooks of tips and recipes, snacks, and some cash (basically the bare minimum his sensei and friends would let him leave without)) has been translated into SVSS-setting-appropriate equivalents. So at least he’s not entirely without starter gear, too bad he doesn’t have any- wait, is that a knife? Binghe didn’t pack any knives, why is there- oh, there’s a note…

…

…it’s from sensei, sensei wanted to make sure he had a really good [kitchen knife] (translated from Tatsu-speak) to use when he got home, just in case his hadn’t been properly cared for while he was away, Binghe is having emotions and also crying now, sensei whyyyyyy-!!!

Okay, so, Binghe has a knife, and he will use his teeth before he uses it for anything other than cooking, good to know. And hey, there’s his mirror, how nostalgic to see one made of polished brass when he’s gotten so used to glass…

Hmmm, not bad, not bad. The red eyes aren’t thrilling, and he doesn’t look exactly like he’s used to, but it’s not too bad, he’s still recognizably himself, he can probably get used to this. …shame that his sunglasses weren’t deemed ‘setting-appropriate,’ whatever that means, but he can work with this. And his two sources of power don’t seem to be trying to tear him apart while wrestling for dominance, so that’s nice! And a quick glance over this new quest line he has available shows that it seems to be all about learning how to have his golden and demonic cores work together harmoniously, that sounds extremely useful!

So, as mentioned in the original thread for this AU, he spends the next two months refreshing his knowledge of how to use his cultivation (he’s kept up practice of this physical forms and meditation, but he hasn’t had access to qi in four years) and learning how to use his demonic cultivation. Hey, Meng Mo is back! Guess what, now you’re Binghe’s third favorite teacher, and the only reason he’s that high is because Binghe hasn’t had any teachers other than Shizun and Tatsu-sensei, hah! Wait, no, not true, Masa taught him things as well, and so did a lot of Tatsu-sensei’s friends, so technically-!

Meng Mo basically gets woken up for the first time in forever to discover that he’s been unwillingly asleep for four years and Binghe gleefully listing off every teacher he’s ever had and how he likes them all better than Meng Mo, including notes on what their good-teacher qualities are. (‘Did not force their way into my head and threaten me into becoming their student’ is at the top of each list.)

Binghe then proceeds to do some experimenting on his own with a few nudges from his system, then, being a somewhat grey lotus now, wanders around the dreams of all sorts of locals within his range and uses these encounters to learn how to demon powers. This includes half an hour with a nicked finger where he makes his blood do all sorts of improbable stuff in a ‘I am disgusted yet fascinated’ mindset. Eventually he goes to a nearby town to start getting used to how society around here works again, and then onward to Cang Qiong and Shizun!!!

@fullbattleregalia has been reading The Scum Villain’s Self-Saving System recently, and enjoying it very much, but she just frickin’ whammied me in the knee-caps with the comment,

“The way the System gives out points is so inconsistent. I bet if Shen Qingqiu hadn’t pushed Binghe off, it would have gone “-20,000 satisfaction points, +30,000 satisfaction points.”

Because Binghe would have been so overjoyed that Shizun accepted him!!! And then thing is, she’s right, it’s frickin’ Luo ‘world’s biggest simp’ Binghe, he would have!!! And that would be just the sort of bastardly, weaselly underhanded tactic the System would pull, it feels so obvious now that she’s pointed it out, holy frick-!!!!!

yuu1412  Although now I gotta wonder: did Miku get Binghe into gaming? Did he find fanfiction? Did he have pokemon or adventure ships???

(question asked on AO3)

YES, she did, of course she did, you’re so incredibly right, argh, how did I not realize before that she’s the one who started all this! She’s the one who got him playing Pokemon Go, they’re both on Team Valor and, while Binghe is there, they rule their local gym (Tatsu doesn’t play and Masa is Team Instinct because he liked the gym leader’s style (I wonder why (stares at Masa’s hair))). Binghe’s enchanted by Pokemon purely because “OMG, Shizun would love this, Shizun thinks monsters are so cool, he would love a world where you get to tame and battle with monsters, I must share this with him as best I can!!!”

He does this by basically becoming a walking pokedex of pokeknowledge, watching an impressive amount of the anime, and also making his Pokemon Go avatar based on Shen Qingqiu instead of himself (partially so there can be at least one world where Shizun gets to experience this, partially so that, you know. He can be the one helping Shizun become the very best, like no one ever was, because Shizun deserves it-!!!). Pokemon Go tends to be the pokegame he plays the most, though I’m going to say he watches Miku play Legends Arceus a lot, because he finds the story both intriguing and relatable (in a way). Miku lets him play her save file from time to time to go shiney hunting, because Binghe has the best luck with shinies (I wonder why).

I think this might actually be the first thing that Binghe and Miku really connect over - he has a hard time figuring her out at first, just because she acts so differently from anyone he’s ever met before, in a lot of ways he doesn’t expect. Like, she doesn’t seem bothered by Binghe spending time with Tatsu-sensei? At all? Binghe’s only got eyes for Shizun, but it’s like she’s not even worried Binghe might try and steal Tatsu-sensei from her or something? And why is she okay with Tatsu-sensei spending time with Binghe when he could be spending it with her? And why is she being so seemingly friendly with Binghe? What’s her ulterior motive? What does she want from him???

Miku: I don’t want anything from you. Tatsu likes you and he could use some more friends - and you look like you could too.

Binghe: (nods politely, then spends as many points as he dares when he’s alone that night trying to get some explanations for what the heck’s going on)

Because, thinking about it, Miku’s going to, just by being herself, be a good example of how to be in a healthy relationship, same as Tatsu is. Yeah, they’re a slightly odd couple, but they’re happy together and comfortable in themselves, and, bless him, Binghe needs that in his life.

I think Binghe also gets into Animal Crossing in a big way. Fighting games just aren’t as interesting to him when he’s, you know, actually been the one doing all the cool fighting stuff, kind of a step down, but Animal Crossing? That’s such a Binghe game, making a beautiful home and island that you have complete control over? 10/10, he’s going to think of it wistfully from time to time when he eventually returns to his world.

As for fanfiction and shipping… hmmm… I don’t think he does, he’s engaged enough with web novels, the library, and other such things that he never manages to stumble across it. He does discover YouTube, however, and ends up watching a lot of self-help videos. Masa taught him the important things for internet usage: search functions, where to find the p*rn and h*nt*i, and how to pirate (Miku’s the one who helped him find the webnovels). With no knowledge to even conceptualize things like AO3, deviantart, or tumblr, Binghe just doesn’t stumble across them. And, frankly, that’s probably for the best, I adore fanfic, obviously I do, but the world does not need Binghe discovering The Tropes, that could-

…wait.

(considers)

…gods, this boy’s too smart, he’d probably use the trope knowledge he gained via fanfiction to try and get himself into Scenarios to get Shizun to notice and/or sex him.

Except then he gets home and discovers his stupid Heavenly Demon Blood makes him immune to basically Everything, sorry Binghe, gonna still have to ask for what you want in bed. Not that he lets this stop him entirely.

Side note, Shen Yuan starts actively avoiding anything potentially thorny, because his wonderful but accident-prone disciple keeps tripping into them and getting his clothes ruined, Binghe, please, think of all the pure and delicate maidens whose hearts you’re going to break by exposing them to your perfect everything-!!! …though it is a little odd that it never seems to happen when he’s wearing his apron. Weird. Oh well, at least Binghe heals quick thanks to his demonic heritage…

Binghe, still in his latest ruined set of robes, flopped on the floor of Sha Hualing’s lab: Why won’t Shizun notice me???

Sha Hualing, barely paying attention: You wear too many clothes.

Binghe, still face-down on the floor: No, I thought about that, but Shizun’s more the sort to be into a tantalizing, unexpected glimpse of what’s usually hidden than seeing everything all the time. It’s more intriguing.

Sha Hualing: Humans are weird.

Binghe: You’re weird!

Sha Hualing, to Mobei-jun who’s sitting against the far wall: Why did you help him get in here again, I have a deadline for getting this sword done, you know!

Mobei-jun: …

Sha Hualing: I don’t speak ice cube you-!

Binghe: Liu Mingyan’s human, you know.

Sha Hualing: …

Sha Hualing, setting tools aside: So tell me more about these weird human fetishes.

Binghe: IT’S NOT A FETISH, SHIZUN IS TOO PURE AND ELEGANT AND DIGNIFIED TO HAVE-!!!

…so yeah, Binghe can have a little exposure to fanfiction, as a treat. Because it could be funny.

Just picturing Binghe lying on Liu Qingge’s bed or the ground near where he’s training and having a breakdown, because Binghe keeps trying to use various tropes that he learned about in Japan and which seem applicable to his world to get Shizun to notice him. Only the tropes either don’t work because of his stupid demon blood or else Shizun ends up being the one who gets caught instead. Even tripping into things that will tear Binghe’s clothes isn’t working that well anymore, partially because Binghe’s starting to run out of clothes, but even more because Shizun’s starting trying to keep it from happening. Which means either Shizun’s clothes get ruined instead (a lovely glimpse, but Shizun doesn’t heal as quickly and he gets so embarrassed!) or, worse, they both fall in and get their clothes ruined, which should be great, but it’s not because people talk and Binghe’s trying to court and seduce Shizun, not cause a scandal for him-!!!

And- and what if all this is an indication that Shizun secretly wants to be the one keeping house for Binghe and doing the cooking and stuff?! Because these things tend to happen to the member of the relationship who ends up being the one who takes care of the house and stuff, and Binghe loves Shizun, he really does, but- but that’s what Binghe wants to do in this relationship, I don’t wanna be the husbando, Big Bro Liu, I wanna be the waifu, I’m not husbando material-!!!

Liu Qingge: (doing an admirable job parsing out a conversation where he really literally doesn’t know what a good chunk of the words mean or what some of the concepts are) I think Shen Qingqiu would be happiest if he never had to do another bit of housework for the rest of our lives.

Binghe: (sobbing) YOU’RE JUST SAYING THAT TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER!!!

Liu Qingge: I am not!

Binghe: What if he secretly likes cooking and just isn’t telling me so I don’t feel bad??? What if he doesn’t actually like my cooking and just didn’t want to hurt my feelings?!?

Liu Qingge: (software required to hold this conversation not found) …he hates cooking. And your food smells good, so you’re probably a good cook.

He does, miraculously, manage to get Binghe calmed down and convinced that Shen Qingqiu has absolutely zero percent interest in being a housewife. Though he does also nearly kill Shen Qingqiu later by asking him what a waifu is.

Interestingly, I think this is a surprisingly important moment for Binghe, because it forces him to actually sit down and think about what he really wants out of a relationship with Shen Qingqiu, and what he’s going to do if his wants conflict with Shizun’s. Generally, up until now, Binghe’s still had a pretty strong “Shizun’s word is law, whatever Shizun wants Shizun gets” mindset, in spite of him coming very far in learning to be a healthy romantic partner and friend in the House Husband world.

However, this is also the first time that Binghe’s run into a situation where, even hypothetically, Shen Qingqiu’s desires might run counter to his own in a way that he can’t just casually brush aside. Binghe truly loves cooking, its something he learned from his mother and a skill that he deems very precious, and he really does like keeping house. Waifu jokes aside, being a househusband is what he truly wants to do. So what is he going to do if that’s not what Shen Qingqiu wants from him, or from a relationship in general?

I think this leads to him and Shen Qingqiu eventually sitting down together and talking things out more seriously. Up until this point Binghe has made his intentions to court Shen Qingqiu and his feelings for him clear, and Shen Qingqiu hasn’t stopped him or objected, but they haven’t really sat down and talked about it in any way that matters. And if Shen Qingqiu’s system had its way, they probably never would, or at least not until it’s milked a good half-dozen miscommunication arcs out of the situation bare minimum. But Binghe’s learned better than that during his time with Tatsu-sensei and company, not in the least because he’s read enough webnovels to gain a few levels in genre-savvy. And Sensei had Binghe drinking a glass of Respect Yourself juice alongside the glass of Respect Women People juice every day.

And all that juice does pay off, because Shen Yuan really does want Binghe to be happy more than anything else, so seeing Binghe take initiative to make sure that Binghe is happy, instead of just saying someone else’s approval/happiness are his happiness? I think he’d love that. Being forced to start taking the romance he might be getting into seriously is something he loves less, but it is something he needs to do. And I think that Binghe’s silver tongue, new levels in genre savvy, and OP status end up getting him to admit that he doesn’t actually know if he wants to be with Binghe like that or not. He loves Binghe, he does! But… not like that. At least, not yet. He’s always seen Binghe as a child and a student, he can respect him as an adult, but he’s not sure if he can see him as a romantic partner…?

But, at the same time… he’s not going to say no. If Binghe wants to give romancing him a try, then… okay. He can- once Sect Leader Yue’s said it’s okay- …Binghe can try. They can try.

(Also Shen Qingqiu and Shang Qinghua’s systems are seething in the  background because Binghe’s system is ruining the story they had planned  out, where’s the dramatic irony, the miscommunication, the angst? What is this shojo manga bullshit?!?

“Why does Binghe’s system keep winning against Shang Qinghua and Shen Qingqiu’s systems?”

Because SQH’s is attached to Mobei-jun (I think), and SQQ’s is attached to Binghe, but Binghe’s system is attached to his desire to marry (and have sex with) his Shizun. So naturally it has the strongest power source.)

Binghe agrees to this (especially because Shizun has made it very clear that no, actually, he has no interests in keeping house himself), and, as an afterthought, on the way out the door, mentions that Liu QIngge’s no problem, he and Big Bro Qingge have come to an agreement, if Shizun wants them both he can have them both, and they’ll be okay with that.

Shen Yuan, smile freezing: What.

Binghe: Well we’re both in love with you and have different skill sets, and Shizun has mentioned that that sort of thing is important in well-built harems.

Shen Yuan, smile going rictus: Liu-shidi is what with me.

Binghe: Shizun- Shizun did notice, right? Big Bro Liu is super obvious.

Shen Yuan: (dial-up noises)

Binghe: Shizun, I want children, let’s go to the trials this year and pick out some new disciples for the peak!

Shen Qingqiu: (has just gone through every conceivable emotion in the time it took Binghe to finish saying this sentence)

Walks up to the microphone and leans in close: Survival-horror-romance dating simulator game based on Dracula, wherein you have the option to try and get a date with one of the canon characters, or just try and survive period. You are playing as Jonathan, there are an insane number of possibly endings (including many polyamorous ones) including, but not limited to: getting together with all three of Dracula’s weed-smoking girlfriends and Dracula, the previous one except Dracula’s excluded, helping Lucy land all three of the men courting her, stealing all three of Lucy’s beaus, and many more!

The entire thing is done in shojo manga art style, but loyal to the descriptions from the novel. Also, I really, really want the cover of the game to have Dracula holding a bouquet of roses and looking super shojo, while Jonathan hides behind a corner in the foreground with a look of absolute terror while writing frantically in his diary. Game title? “Don’t Notice Me, Sempai!” Because I’m a classy meme like that.

Also, if you go with the Dracula + weed-smoking-girlfriends option, yes you can help him try and take over England, and yes it’s possible to achieve this. This is also how you get the harem ending. You can also have Jonathan survive the entire thing but still wind up single - that’s how you unlock the ending wherein he can potentially end up with you, his trusted and loyal penpal, who’s been with him in spirit, if not physically, this whole time.

@musicluver44   #i will only take this if they make the lizard-wall-crawling look as ridiculous as i imagine it does

Not only does it look absolutely ridiculous, if you’ve romanced Dracula enough at this point, he’ll have a bouquet of flowers in his mouth that he was bringing you, which makes it look even sillier. If you manage to get him to do this, you also win affection points from the vampire ladies due to having gotten Dracula to act like such a nerd and then handling it well - you have proven you’re cool enough to chill with them as a buddy instead of a snack!

Look, the whole situation with Jet and the Dai Li is terrible, but it’s also unspeakably hilarious that it’s implied, amidst all the other things they messed with in his head, they apparently decided to break his habit of wandering around with a grass stalk in his mouth. It’s just so incredibly petty and stupid and just… I’m sorry, but I can’t help but laugh at it!

Honestly, the funniest thing about Victor Frankenstein isn’t that he’s not a proper doctor because he quit university without graduating. The funniest part is that he quit university in a total ‘too cool and too smart for this school, you’re only holding me back, I’m going to go reinvent science’ move… and then he actually did revolutionize both science and medicine by bringing the Creature to life. Only, and this is the important part, no one knows this because he didn’t tell anyone.

So, as far as his classmates and professors know, there was just that one guy in their classes who dropped out partway through because he thought he was smarter than the professors, got involved in some shady crap, got a bad case of hysteria (to use the period term), and after a few more scandals just dropped off the face of the social map with a case of nerves to go with the hysteria. Can you imagine?!?

Daughter of fantasy villains decides to rebel against her parents by actually going through with her arranged marriage to a local golden retriever of a prince instead of running off with some local villain-to-be or conquering said golden retriever’s kingdom and ruling it solo like her parents expect her to. Plus, sue her, she’s into the clean-cut earnest look.

At the same time, local prince charming discovers that he’s actually very into the gothic fiance his parents have landed him with in order to try and establish peace with the local evil lair down the lane, he would never have guessed a spiderweb pattern could look so fetching on a ball gown…?

Meanwhile, two pairs of parents in a tizzy because they both expected their offspring to whole-heartedly reject this union and give them an excuse to conquer their goody-two-shoes/evil neighbours, they’re not supposed to actually like each other-!

respective friend groups undergoing culture clash like all of prince charming’s knights are like what vile spell has been used to ensorcel our prince.  we must be on our guard for surely this is but a ruse for an assassination attempt

meanwhile the villain bride’s friends are all like clearly he loves you not, why do you persist in a manner that will ensure your own heart break, i mean if he was taking this seriously there would be at least three assassination attempts by now.  it’s like he doesn’t even notice that you have massive amounts of dark power to covet for his own

smashcut to

fully armored knight, clanging through the hallways in attempts at stealth, blades drawn: i’m just saying, i took an oath of protection.  this feels wrong.

prince charming: it’s not wrong, it’s celebrating cross cultural traditions for my beloved bride

knight: it’s attempted murder

prince charming: it’s a loving attempted murder

@chucktaylorupset  Meanwhile the bride has a bouquet of roses, cornflowers, and wheat sheaves on her desk in her room, and she’s not coming out until she’s written a beautiful and moving poem about how they favourably compare to her groom. It’s been three days. She’s gone through an entire raven’s worth of quills (unethically sourced). The ‘toads who used to be my friends’ list has gone up by one. But she’s bent dark forces and eldritch spirits to her will and, by the powers obscene, this will not be the thing that breaks her.

Sorceress friend: Please, just get him an amulet that will double his power at the cost of his soul, no one’s worth this.

Rebellious villainess: (nearly in tears) No, he brought his best knights to the castle and tried to kill me last week, at midnight, I can’t ignore something like that! He even kicked Cathulhu!

Sorceress friend: He nudged it with his foot. And then he apologized to it. In tears.

Rebellious villainess: (actually in tears now, for reasons of feels instead of poetic torment) He’s trying so hard!!!

Villainess: Beloathed, I need a goat.

Prince: Of course, darling - may I inquire as to what for?

Villainess: Blood sacrifice to the dark gods, you know how it is.

Prince: …

Prince: …darling, you know I support your lifestyle choices, but I must say this before it potentially happens.

Prince: I’m not all right with human sacrifice. That’s one of my boundaries. I don’t know if you do that or not, but it seemed a topical time to bring it up.

Villainess: (carefree laugh) Oh beloathed, don’t worry yourself about such things, I would never!

Villainess: (leading him off to the goat market) Only incompetents use actual humans. Skilled practitioners of the dark arts know that a goat is not only a sufficient sacrifice, but the superior one.

Prince: You don’t say? Fascinating!

The thing about writing from Miles Edgeworth’s point of view for close to four years is that the phases ‘the man’ and especially ‘that man’ gain intense levels of homoerotic subtext that doesn’t go away if you change fandoms, and this is my life now.

Daughter of fantasy villains decides to rebel against her parents by actually going through with her arranged marriage to a local golden retriever of a prince instead of running off with some local villain-to-be or conquering said golden retriever’s kingdom and ruling it solo like her parents expect her to. Plus, sue her, she’s into the clean-cut earnest look.

At the same time, local prince charming discovers that he’s actually very into the gothic fiance his parents have landed him with in order to try and establish peace with the local evil lair down the lane, he would never have guessed a spiderweb pattern could look so fetching on a ball gown…?

Meanwhile, two pairs of parents in a tizzy because they both expected their offspring to whole-heartedly reject this union and give them an excuse to conquer their goody-two-shoes/evil neighbours, they’re not supposed to actually like each other-!

“Why is Binghe a slightly-grey lotus in that Way of the Househusband AU of yours, Tatsu talks very yakuza and makes scary faces, but he’s extremely wholesome now?”

Oh it’s 100% not on Tatsu. It’s Masa’s fault. On the grounds that Masa is the one who realized that Binghe knew absolutely nothing about sex and decided to teach him the old-fashioned way: by giving him unrestricted access to the internet.

Side note, fortunately there’s no version of PIDW or SVSSS in the Way of the Househusband world, but by the time Binghe returns to Cang Qiong at age twenty-one, he’s read a lot of xianxia, wuxia, and danmei, and also just… so much p*rn.

So, so much p*rn.

The only thing saving Shen Yuan is that Miku figured out that Binghe had never had The Talk and managed to steer him near some safe sex booklets and websites.

Meaning that this is probably the Binghe who knows his preferences and what he’s doing more than most other Binghes, but he’s probably also probably a good 50% kinkier than most other Binghe’s too due to modern internet exposure.

I am addicted to posting on this account at the weirdest times (it is currently 01:02 )

Also I FORGOT TO CHANGE the “science side of tumblr” to “science side of cang qiong” FUCK

Credits to the og posters (I hope they never have to see this): @sassykardashian @sailingonsuccess