I’m so fucking gross to look at it’s not even funny

I’ve been so good about not doing “any” form of sh but it is so so hard to fight the urges and kind of instinct at this point when things get to be all too much

I’m so exhausted. In more ways than just physical. All I’ve been doing is working, cleaning, overthinking, not feeling anything and then everything all at once, working out and just trying to push through. I know it’s been getting bad because all I do most of the time is zone out at the wall or the floor when I’m home. I then get so bored of myself because my brain isn’t allowing me to really think about anything (I think it would be too much so it’s protecting me), that I then make myself go to sleep around 9pm every night. I get the worst sleep and wake up wishing everything could be over. There are so many layers to everything that has been going on and still is. So so many layers. I’m still trying to figure out what to do and where to go from here. It’s definitely not easy and I don’t think it will be for awhile. I’m trying so hard to stay strong and not worry anyone too much. I’m trying so hard not to let him know how I am actually doing or what’s been going through my head. I don’t want to worry him and I don’t want to scare him with the possible future if we can’t pull through this. I’m so lost right now. I feel so numb most of the time, but when I do feel, it hits me so terribly that I need to make myself sleep right away to get the thoughts to stop. Sad thing is, it just all appears in my dreams anyways. I’ve been waking up in the middle of the nights sweating and so so scared. My mom said it’s probably all the anxiety I’m feeling coming through. I’m so tired. I’ve realized so many things through this. Hard things. I guess it’s good to have a wake up call to the things I didn’t notice or thought were “normal”. I feel like a burden. I feel like I don’t really matter in all of this, which is a shitty thing to think when it’s not really about me…but in so many ways it is. Everyone that knows has told me that it is about me and I have every right to feel what I’m feeling. I feel like I’ve been pushed out of this. Like I’ve been thrown to the side even though I’ve been doing all the real hard work in all of this. It’s okay. I’ll be able to talk soon. Everyone at work who barely even knows me has noticed a change in the way I am and my appearance too. One of my coworkers who I literally have only talked to maybe three times texted me the other day asking me if I’ve eaten and have been sleeping. They said they didn’t want to be rude but they’ve noticed I’ve lost weight and that I’m not as present as I used to be. I just need to stay put together and keep pushing through as much as I possibly can. I can do this. I know I can, it’s just so so hard.

I want to scream so loud

I just want to bawl my fucking eyes out. I seriously feel so fucking not important it’s insane.

Why am I here