after some soul searching (jerking off) i have found that everything will be ok!

who was the fool who was tasked with naming the galaxy and the only adjective they could think of was ‘mmmmmmmmmmmmilky…’

scientist: (gazing up at space)  scientist: ……….. it sure is a milky boy 

NO

YOU DONT UNDERSTAND

ASTRONOMERS ARE THE SHITTIEST EVER AT NAMING THINGS I KID YOU NOT.

When it came time to name the two theoretical particle types that might be dark matter THEY INTENTIONALLY CHOSE THE NAMES SO THAT THE ACRONYMS WOULD SPELL “WIMPS” AND “MACHOS” I SHIT YOU NOT

THEY ARE FUCKING TERRIBLE AT NAMING ANYTHING

I just listened to a talk by Neil deGrasse Tyson himself LAST NIGHT and he went on about this more than once.

“I’m walking down the street and I’m like ‘ooh pretty rock…’ and some Geologist is like ‘actually, that’s anorthosite feldspar’ and I’m like ‘Nevermind, I don’t want it anymore.’ Any biologists in the audience? [some clapping] Yeah, you know what I’m talking about. The most important molecule in the human body, what did you name it? It has NINE SYLLABLES and it’s so long that even YOU GUYS abbreviate it as ‘DNA’!

But astrophysicists and astronomers? No, man, we call it like we see it. Star made of neutrons? NEUTRON STAR. Small white star? WHITE DWARF. You know that big red spot on Jupiter? Know what we called it? JUPITER’S RED SPOT.”

okay i’m glad you mentioned the biologist nonsense bc their naming methods are the bane of my existence

I see your astrophysicists-are-shit-at-names and raise you Marine-Biologists-Are-Fucking-Maniacs.

See this beautiful creature?

It’s a carnivorous deep-sea sponge that lives off of Easter Island and never sees the light of day, as it’s about 9000 feet down. Those delicate-looking orbs are covered in millions of tiny hooked spines, which latch onto anything unfortunate enough to bump into it, and hold it in place as it is digested alive by the sponge’s skin.  Amazing, beautiful and profoundly creepy.  They could have given it so many cool names.  Could have drawn on mythology (I think Scylla would have been an appropriate reference), the region it was found in, the textured skin, PHAGOCYTOSIS, anything!  

You wanna know what they called it?

PING-PONG TREE SPONGE.

Good job, marine biologists.

me: uses my sleeping kitten’s paw to navigate my smartphone

he woke up and retrieved his paw

you Used him

he’s on the bed and he won’t come near me

youve betrayed his trust………he Knows

good thing i got 13 more of these fluffs

second kitten also abandoned me and they both formed a coalition

their cause is gaining numbers

this is a revolution

i tried calling in the cavalry but they overwhelmed us quickly

we are….defeated.

me: uses my sleeping kitten’s paw to navigate my smartphone

he woke up and retrieved his paw

you Used him

he’s on the bed and he won’t come near me

youve betrayed his trust………he Knows

good thing i got 13 more of these fluffs

second kitten also abandoned me and they both formed a coalition

their cause is gaining numbers

this is a revolution

i tried calling in the cavalry but they overwhelmed us quickly

we are….defeated.

proposal to rename executive dysfunction as ‘Bitch Toddler Dysfunction’ since it’s exactly like living with a horrible contrary small child who refuses to cooperate for fun and smacks things out of your hands but unlike a real toddler this one lives in your frontal lobe and if it says you’re not allowed to do laundry you’re unable to do anything about it

me: hey look I know you don’t really like doing homework but this one is just looking at pictures, okay? Do you wanna look at some pictures? We can have a hot cocoa while we do it and!! if we finish this before 4pm we can watch some TV!! How does that sound? :^)

the horrendous little goblin child who has both hands firmly on the levers on my brains control panel that make me move around and do things: *makes fart noises while I’m talking and hammers the button labeled ‘NAPTIME’ until I pass out*

Ya wcw

me providing entertainment in the nuclear bunker when WW3 starts

im the background vocals

wats he doin

His best

PLEASE UNMUTE THIS. PLEASE. 

UPDATE

That’s the artist that made the art on the wall!

source

my phone at 8% but my pussy? Fully charged.

I have so much cum on me I feel like a toaster strudel

am I doing the meme right

i hope this inspires a new one.

honestly if I say “make me” and you don’t pull out your dick and put it in my guts, you aren’t the one for me

don’t forget to grab me by the throat 🤗🤗🤗

smack that shit on my forehead so I know its real

This is what anxiety sounds like.

You know usual people say something like the comment above and I’m like “Ehhhh, I guess?” but this time its. super dead on. 

This line in my textbook makes it almost worth the $160 I spent on it

Let The Textbook Say Fuck

why did god create straight dudes with fat asses like thats such a waste

like literally what do u need it for

i thought succulents were supposed to be the easy do-nothing plant thats impossible to kill but these fuckers are WAY more difficult than all the beans i had to grow in high school. wtf

a normal plant: just fuckin stick it in the sun and give it water. lookin malnourished? nourish it. stuff like blight, aphids, and spider mites are easy as fuck to diagnose and treat.

a god damn succulent, apparently: only likes dry aerated soil mixtures and barely any water ever and lots of indirect sunlight but no direct sunlight and sometimes they just start to look rotting and crinkly and mushy which either means theyre overwatered or underwatered or the soil’s retaining too much moisture or they’re just sad about living in your shitty house. will become naked and die for no apparent reason. you fucking suck

also fucking succulents: throw a rotten dead leaf from 1964 on a plate and watch it spring back to FUCKING life, i guess.