unfortunately i stole the shopping carts

A dating service where matching is based on people’s search history exists. You’re a serial killer. You go on a date with a writer.

Serial Killer: metaphorically, if you were to kill someone, how would you do it?

Writer: Air shot between the toes, it’ll look like a heart attack.

Serial Killer who is obviously in love already: *sucks in a breath* ok

Writer: how long would it take to die if you were to potentially stab someone in the guts

Serial killer: anywhere from 2 to 30 minutes

Writer, already bringing a ring out: *shaking* thanks

A++ addition

Writer: *shows the serial killer the murder scene they’re writing* babe, i’m not sure if this would actually work?

Serial killer: *kisses writer on the forehead and leaves, comes back later, a suspicious scent of blood coming off them* it works baby, you’re doing great

I LOVE THIS

Oh no, murder comedy is my jam

I love this, I love all of this, but quick question, does the author know? Like are they aware that their significant other is a serial killer or do they just think that they have a morbid sense of humor? It’d be even funnier if the author had no fucking clue, like how Aurthur Conan Doyle was apparently stupidly gullible, and on top of it they’re a horror or crime novelist. Like the serial killer works at a butcher shop or something so it’s completely normal for them to come home smelling like blood, no murders going on here, no sirey. Just my darling coming back home from a long day at work.

Now fast forward a bit and the author has managed to get their first book published, with loving support from the serial killer who helped them fine tune all the murder scenes, and it’s a big hit. Enough so that a detective with the local police department has noticed some disturbing similarities to several active cases, including details that were never released to the press. Obviously he brings this up to his superior and convinces him that there’s something to the theory, but it’s all circumstantial right now. He stakes out the author’s home and is super convinced that the author is the murderer, but they don’t seem to do anything??? Like they literally are at the house all day, that’s it. Most they do is leave for groceries.

So you get this dynamic of the serial killer mining the author for creative murder schemes, the author being lovingly encouraged by the serial killer, and finally the detective who is just so sure that the author is the killer and that if he sticks it out long enough he’ll FINALLY have proof.

Plot twist, The serial killer and detective use to go out so it gets sub what personal. 

“You need to stop seeing them. I think they are a serial killer.”

Serial killer breaths in. “Look-”

…perfect

I don’t like actual murder mysteries, but this is perfect

THE ORIGINAL POST HOW DID I GET SO LUCKY

Oh my god

The carina nebula looks like a painting and I’m sobbing so hard over it rn

I legit thought this was a mountain range

My lord I'm an idiot

SPACE MOUNTAIN RANGE SPACE MOUNTAIN RANGE

@unpretty

it’s DIRT

unmute for comically aggrieved farmer

reblogging for the second time because I still laugh uncontrollably. in my mind the cows are trying to be gracious about their strange gift. ‘yes we love it thank u’

@diseonfire future?

I know I literally  just reblogged this but I love this video so much it always makes me laugh because

1. “LADIES”

2. The very disappointed “Eclair…”

3. “WHAT?” (High pitched mooing in response)

4. The way they turn into Pleakley from Lilo and Stitch as they get progressively more frustrated

that dude was probably pissed when he drove his chevy all the way to the levy and it was dry 😑

It’s the gotdamm chocolate guy.

I love that smile of satisfaction on his face at the end.

The best Chocolate Guy videos are the ones where he takes a bite of it at the end, reminding us that this beautiful artwork is also excellent food.

That’s completely fucking awesome!

I have complicated feelings about marine mammals in captivity but (a) this seal’s tango ability deserves recognition and (b) I’m inclined to think that this level of coordination suggests the seal legitimately enjoys it. 

EVERYONE SAY HI TO MY GOOFY OC. her name is professor tuckamore and she's the worst ever.

After a trip to Cinnabar Island, Tuckamore's course of life was changed forever. She saw something on the coastline that shouldn't have been there—something that shouldn't have existed at all. After finding no plausible explanation for what it could've been, she took to Pokemon research herself, forever searching after that forbidden variable.

Basically, Tuckamore researches (or TRIES to research) the in-universe equivalent of glitches, glitch Pokemon, and random number generation. The effectiveness of her methods tend to vary wildly and mostly involve doing stuff that makes absolutely no sense to anyone. When they inexplicably end up working, no one really knows to make of it. Her team includes a Porygon-Z, two Chatot, and a Bad EGG. more fun facts about her beneath the cut...

therapy isn’t enough. i need to kiss harvey stardew valley on the mouth.

(UNMUTE YOU WON'T REGRET IT)

(Source)

You are joking, but the soundtrack to httyd is considered as one of the most influential classical orchestra creation of our time. With the amound of motives repeating across the whole movie where each motive has multiple variants depending on the plot of the story we are talking about a full 2 hours long symphony that holds a story on its own. If you have seen the movie before, give it a listen as a whole and i guarantee you that you will be able to keep up storywise just by listening to the soundtrack.

Watch this video explaining JUST first 5 minutes of the movie to see what i mean

x

@chumnkyfrog

@snailcomicz !!!

i call to my children on christmas morning and they all snap their legs running down our ribcage stairs

the OSHA inspector takes one look at this and starts strangling the architect with his bare hands

Looking at this broke both of my ankles

Old Tumblr post layout with a lot of reblogs

His energy is unmatched

This is like, the pipe organ of bonking your siblings with the empty wrapping paper tube 😍

[Video description: a TikTok from @snubbyj showing a person playing “Mamma Mia” by ABBA on the RimbaTubes, an instrument made out of PVC pipes. The person uses paddles to whack the tops of the tubes and looks very happy. /end description.]

jim henson, frank oz & don sahlin showing off how to make various characters with a “whatnot/anything” muppet, 1969

#actual wizard like ACTUAL#you could take the absolute most cutting edge deepfake with every hi-res freckle and hair in place so you could zoom in to the atomic level#and it would not be as Real as this felt egg#with 2 puppeteers clearly visible (via @harrietvane)

i finally watched it

Latest lovesquare shenanigans idea: AU in which Ladybug falls hard for Chat Noir before Marinette has a chance to fall for Adrien, allowing Marinette and Adrien to have real conversations that lead to them becoming ride or die BEST BROS. (She will take this poor sheltered boy under her wing and teach him all about friendship! Also she might fight his dad later.) Ladybug and Chat Noir are both obsessed with each other and flirt somehow even more than they do in canon but Ladybug thinks it’s a long-running joke following her first “we should pretend to be a couple to defeat this akuma” suggestion (part of her foolproof 37-step plan to make Chat Noir fall for her because obviously.)

Chat Noir wants nothing more than to be clear about his feelings because, you know, you’ve gotta tell people these things, but Adrien is conflicted because he’s getting all of his love advice from best bro Marinette… who has helpfully written him a foolproof 37-step plan to make his mystery girl fall in love with him. Everyone is still incredibly dumb about their feelings, but in NEW WAYS.

Ivy Wallpaper

Wallpaper

SAFAFDG

Here's an excerpt from Peter Brannon's book The Ends of the World:

"These numbers are precise without usefully conveying the scale of the calamity. What they mean is that a rock larger than Mount Everest hit planet Earth traveling twenty times faster than a bullet. This is so fast that it would have traversed the distance from the cruising altitude of a 747 to the ground in 0.3 seconds. The asteroid itself was so large that, even at the moment of impact, the top of it might have still towered more than a mile above the cruising altitude of a 747. In its nearly instantaneous descent, it compressed the air below it so violently that it briefly became several times hotter than the surface of the sun.

“The pressure of the atmosphere in front of the asteroid started excavating the crater before it even got there,” Rebolledo said. “Then when the meteorite touched ground zero, it was totally intact. It was so massive that the atmosphere didn’t even make a scratch on it.”

Unlike the typical Hollywood CGI depictions of asteroid impacts, where an extraterrestrial charcoal briquette gently smolders across the sky, in the Yucatan it would have been a pleasant day one second and the world was already over by the next. As the asteroid collided with the earth, in the sky above it where there should have been air, the rock had punched a hole of outer space vacuum in the atmosphere. As the heavens rushed in to close this hole, enormous volumes of earth were expelled into orbit and beyond — all within a second or two of impact.

“So there’s probably little bits of dinosaur bone up on the moon,” I asked.

“Yeah, probably.”

"it briefly became several times hotter than the surface of the sun"

raccoons make no sense because they will leave your birdseed and garbage and garden and compost pile alone but they WILL open a barrel and pull out an empty 5 gallon gas canister and unscrew the lid and leave it in your yard and also untie the dog tether from your porch beam for no reason

one time I watched a raccoon pull up plastic tent stakes at a campground and just walk away, content with causing mischief

another time at camp I woke up to find a raccoon had grabbed the yarn that connected the string telephones my neighbor and I had strung up between our cabin windows and was just yanking on it… I grabbed one end and ended up in a tug-of-war over the string phone while this beefy raccoon pulled and pulled, hand over hand, making direct eye contact with me

and sometimes they’d sneak into cabins and just…. touch people while they slept

why!!! who said you could act like this!!!

god gave them hands but not shame