that feeling when you finally get past a really slow car

me as a lawyer: your honor, quick question… am I winning

This is your pilot speaking, sorry about the turbulence. These long flights are really boring so sometimes I try to fly with my feet.

if you dont still say “wed-ness-day” in your head when you spell wednesday then ur a fucking liar

I’ve developed a rly bad habit of saying “same” to everything like i’ll look at a fucking chair and be like 

“same”

BB Takeover Twist Spoiler: Obama comes to the house to announce that all republicans in the big brother house are saboteurs and must be eliminated instantly or else they will constantly wreak havoc on the house.

Just tried Turkish Delight for the first time. 

It was good, but not “Sell out my family to the White Queen” good. 

9 Things Only Ellen Could Get Away With

1. Delivering pizza at an awards show like it’s totally normal.

2. Getting a million celebrities together to take a selfie and break the Internet.

3. Getting The President to dance on national television.

4. She can get T-Swift to wear sweaters with her and watch cat videos.

5. She can dispense advice like no one else.

6. She is never afraid, even when Jennifer Aniston tries her hardest to scare her.

7. She can convince Britney to shimmy in front of random strangers’ houses.

8. She’s always going to be herself regardless of what people say. 

9. Her haters are her motivators.

If ellen is not your idol theres something wrong with you

i love ellen but i’m pretty sure anyone could get taylorswift to wear sweaters and watch cat videos

bunnies are actually very self conscious of their appearance. next time you see a bunny make sure to tell it how cute it is

When your friends drop a class you were taking together

Teacher: You guys i actually have alot of homework to grade

Me:

The line that will go down in history.  

Remember in the 90’s there used be a room in your house that was called the “computer room”.

you’re not as hot as you made your sim to be