yall i’m still trying to figure that out and i’ve been trapped here for 203985720937 millennia. The mental fortitude necessary to survive in grad school is just.. unreal.
I think? what has been working for me are 2 things:
- I make sure Grad Student Julia is not all who I am
- I try to change my way of thinking by letting the negative moments slide off like teflon, and the positive moments stick like velcro (which is the opposite of how so many of us have been conditioned to want to do)
So first, I make sure I have a life outside of grad school, and that I get my self-worth also from other aspects of my life such as: my friends, family, pets, hobbies, self-care, etc. So being all those things–a friend, a daughter, a sister, a wife, a pet mama, an avid reader of books, a blogger, etc–helps ground me. Like I can have the Worst Day Ever in lab but then I come home to all the other aspects of my life and I can experience firsthand that yeah, being a grad student isn’t all there is to my life. My dog don’t care I’m graduating a semester later than I planned; she just loves that I have two hands for belly rubs. My husband doesn’t love me less because I screwed up a calculation. That negative reviewer comment doesn’t take away my entire bookshelf of books I’ve read in my life. Stuff like that, ya know? Just having a work-life-balance so I am more than a few failed experiments. I am more than a rejection letter. I am more than a missed deadline, or a disappointing review, or an angry PI yelling at me. I am more than just a grad student, and nothing can take that away from me. If I ever had a mantra I repeat every moment of the day, that’s probably it.
And suddenly the constant failures in lab and the comments of disappointment from my PI don’t feel as painful. Sure, they still smack me like a raw egg, but the goop slides off faster ya know? Because my self worth comes from multiple pipes; blocking one isn’t going to dry this bathtub baby!
Secondly, I try really hard not to dwell too much on negative comments or experiences. I try to think about them only for long enough so I can assess whether I can make any meaningful and realistic changes to my work or myself. So if I mess up an experiment, I try to figure out what went wrong and what I can do better next time so this doesn’t happen. Same with negative comments and the like. And I know it’s hard not to replay our mistakes and shortcomings over and over in our minds, especially when times get dark and lonely. I totally get that. I still have bad memories from decades ago pop up every now and then. It happens. But when those moments hit, I find that staying busy (with work or by hanging out with friends, etc) can keep my brain distracted from spiraling into negativity.
The other half of this is to latch onto positive comments and experiences and keep them close. Because many of us have been conditioned throughout our life to do just the opposite, I like to have physical reminders to help me, like screenshots or print-outs (like I literally have a print-out of a really encouraging anon message thanking me for helping them pinned to my cubicle at work). My brain can’t put me down when I have literal physical proof that I have done good things. And when physical evidence isn’t possible (eg. verbal convo), I replay that in my mind over and over. Not to.. obsess over it, but to commit it to memory, to truth, to become a part of who truly am.
Other things that may help:
- Journaling (or blogging) about your day/inner thoughts
- Having a venting-buddy (such as another grad student) where you two meet up regularly for vent sessions
- Staying mentally healthy via therapy and/or medication
- Staying physically healthy too!
- Other posts about how to deal with imposter syndrome: 1 | 2 | 3
Maintaining a healthy mental fortitude is a learned skill, and just like any other skill, it takes time and practice, but it will happen. You will be ok anon :) You got this! I believe in you, and I think you’re a cool cat even with your botched experiments
