Deranged

I had 6 good months. Well… maybe not good. But 6 months without performing an exorcism on my already consumed dinner. It was premeditated. I knew on the car ride home from work that I was going to commit the ultimate betrayal to myself, to my body, to my food. I felt guilt before I’d even done it. The car ride home from the local Mexican restaurant was similar to the binge eating in my bed in that it was filled with shame.

Over these past ten years my most reliable disorder has morphed into something unrecognizable. In my disorders infancy I loved to fill my void until it overflowed. It was the purging that made me feel ashamed. But as time has moved forward I’ve become more and more disgusted with the entrance and less with the exit. I used to hang my head in disappointment after committing such crimes. Now I feel nothing but relief . I feel cleansed, purified. I’m sometimes worried at how comfortable I am in my illness.

I’d be lying if I said I thought it would last. I knew these past 6 months were just an ellipsis in the story that is my eating disorder. The omission of purging didn’t take away it’s existence. It was always implied. Ultimately, it’s like welcoming an old friend. They are not a good friend, but rather a reliable, persistent friend. I think I need new friends but I’ve forgotten how make new them. I’ve forgotten how to live without this one.

HELP: where can I read Semantic Error current chapters? I have been reading on Manta (and will continue to do so to support the author) BUT it’s behind and I’m impatient 😅