Untitled

To the men in my life: I miss you so much it hurts to breathe. Great Papaw, Dad, Baby Brother, Husband your absence is felt everyday. You are loved. You are missed. May you rest in peace.

Dear You,

I want to start by saying thank you. Thank you for being a part of my life. Thank you for choosing to spend those years with me. Thank you for making me feel loved and safe. Thank you for making me part of your wonderful family. Thank you for giving me dreams of a future that I had not allowedmyself to have. Thank you for growing with me. Thank you for teaching me how to direct me emotions to the situation and not to the people around me. Thank you for teaching me to be vulnerable with someone. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for liking me. Thank you for valuing my opinion. Thank you for dreaming with me.

Second, I want to say I love you. I always have and always will.

Third, I want you to know that I forgive you. After you left and the darkness came, I was so afraid of our love and our connection becoming something other than beautiful, that I chose forgiveness to protect our love from being warped and twisted in something hideous and toxic. I prayed for you constantly. I even prayed for her, once I knew about her. You are an amazing man, worthy of love. Please don't forget that. One mistake does not make a man bad or unworthy. Mistakes are how we learn and grow.

And lastly but most importantly, it occurred to me that I have never asked for your forgiveness. Please forgive me. Forgive me for not making our home a place that you felt safe to tell me how you felt. Forgive me for all my shortcomings, my insecurities, my over confidence in us. Please forgive me for anytime I made you feel less than. Forgive me for failing to know and be what you needed. I am so sorry for all the things I did (or didn't do) to contribute to the death of our marriage. I am truly sorry for any pain I caused you. Please forgive me.

From the heart,

Me

I heard a song a while back and in that song I felt the Darkness. Not just felt it but re- lived it. And for that moment, I allowed myself to. The pain, the agony, the torment, the Darkness.

I realized that this person had also experienced the Darkness, the difference....there was hope in their voice. That was the moment when I realized I had lost my hope. I wanted to hope again.

. My journey to restore hope began with remembering....remembering all the feelings and memories that I have spent so long trying to suppress. And as I reflect on all that has transpired, all that has brought me to where I am I feel an ember of hope.

I remember You were on the road. You had been gone for 4 days of a two week stretch. I was in my office and I got this overwhelming sense of anxiousness. When I called to check on You, You asked me how I knew You you were feeling that way. You had just flicked a cigarette out the window and when You looked down your wedding ring was gone and You were distressed trying to figure out how to find it. I remember our connection. I remember our bond. I miss those things.

The change in your appreciation of my beauty doesn't change my moral character.

Ahhh....the Light.

Even after all these years, there are somethings i am not ready to share.... so i apologize if this is chaotic...

I remember that night....tired, so tired and desperate to cease the pain and torment that has plagued me. The Darkness is all there is.....it has engulfed my world. I remeber I knelt down... and cried out in complete desperation to God. "God, its me,(I said name). Forgive me for what I am about to do but I can bear this no longer. I read somewhere that you don't give us more than we can bear. This is more than I can endure. Its been so long and I am so weary. I am not strong enough. Please forgive me......"

I remember tears falling. And then there alone in the Darkness supernatural arms encircled me, like being a child again curled up in my dad's lap after being hurt, feeling safe and loved. I remember I sat there cradled in a caccoon of love and peace, crying until there were no tears left. I remember looking around the Darkness and off in the distance I saw a glimmer of light. And for the first time in a long time, I slept peacefully. I remember when I woke, sunlight and warmth filled the room. I watched as dust particles danced in the rays of light. I remember the ache in my chest was still there but not as intense and breathing took less effort. I remember thanking God for the comfort I received. The Darkness did not disappear, its still there but there is a light in the Darkness. I remember the desperation. I remember the peace that came over me. I remember overwhelming love I felt. I remember.

I remember the day the Darkness had devoured my hope and warped my faith. I had existed for so long in the Darkness I could no longer remember the Light. The anguish and torment never ceasing, the empty hole in my chest never healing, the struggle to to breathe never easing, the multitudes of thoughts racing through my mind never calming. I was ready to relinquish myself to the Darkness.

I remember the day the darkness came. I remember the words of the spell You cast to summon it. I remember the agony and torment that ensued as your soul was severed from mine. I remember my mind racing as I tried to make sense of the words You spoke. I remember my vision going black, there was an excruciating pain my chest and I could not breathe. I remember the pain. I remember the darkness. I remember.