Poems For The Lost

Should I feel like a child again?

A whimpering, sniffly nosed kid in a corner

A scream of my mother and clashing

Banging noises and explicit curses

Should I hold my own hand again?

A cry for help, a solemn reminder that i’m not alone

I have myself

Should I stay silent again?

Holding my breath until I suffocate under the weight of my mother’s words

A crying baby who is 19 and still feels 9 when she hears it all over again.

his birthday passed a month ago

i still think of him

i think of his hugs

his kisses on my forehead

how he’d treat me so kindly

“get whatever you want. it’s yours” he would tell me

i think of his voice in my ears

how excited i’d get to spend a weekend at his house

how deflated i’d be when my mother would tell me no

i think of the long walks we’d take instead of the bus

how i miss him so

how i miss his gentle hold on my tiny hand

How i miss playing in his hair to learn how to braid

For an uncle, he felt like a father.

I remember my first sip of hot coffee

He told me it wasn’t good but i wanted to be an adult

So I sipped contently

I was four once more, sleeping soundly

He beckons me, urges me, he needs me

He whispers, shushing me to not wake my sister

He has eradicated everything I’ve known about my body and mind.

I am no longer me.

I am forever his.

it had happened again.

it wasn’t the worst thing ever, i was used to it by now

i was 17 now

i knew exactly what to do

what exactly to say

i called the police

the operator just telling me it would be okay

the policemen in our house, acknowledging the broken home we’d resided in

i wondered if they could tell by the scratches on my arm that it was a battle to be won

and hell, did i fight

when i am alone in bed

i think of memories of us together

braving the cold, listening to the chair hit the window repeatedly

screaming and yelling to get off of her

no anger resided in me that night, wondering if she was okay

the night of crawling through the basement window to get some warmth

the night of screaming matches and “i hate you’s”

making jokes to cope with the lone idea that we’d never have to experience it again

“she’s gonna let us back in. it’s been an hour”

the aftermath was something out of a book

all is forgiven, all is well

but then… i’d turn 15 and i wouldn’t have cake

i’d get a drunk mother instead.

sometimes the darkness is too dark that you can’t can’t see the hands reaching out to you

Memories… (draft from Halloween night)

i remember the first night you cooked for me. we traveled to walmart to get some ingredients. you asked me if those noodles were okay. i didn’t care one bit solely on the idea that you were making something for me. i cherished the thought. i cherished the memory of you screaming along to disney songs watching from the passenger seat… i finally said out loud that we were never watching that movie. and all i can think of… every time of just sitting in that damn seat… was how beautiful and focused you looked with your eyes on the road meanwhile mines were on you. I wonder if you ever noticed.

When we got back to your room… you made it. Stupid buttered noodles. I lied to you when I told you I never had buttered noodles before. I did. My mom made me one a year or so ago. It was left over noodles in a pot and she had added butter to it and some seasoning. I remember trying it and refusing it because my eating disorder didn’t allow me to eat it. I tried it again without you without knowing. It was so good. I loved it so much, just thinking of another memory I was shoving back into my brain to make space for a new one. You would never know… I would never tell you. I found peace with you. Knowing I was completely and utterly safe with you. So stupid. Silly girl, I am. For falling in love with the idea and memories of you.

…….i think sometimes i hate you. i think sometimes when see my name on your screen, you sigh. when your name shows up, i smile and i patiently wait and wonder how long is too long to open it…i’ve missed you like my soul has cried and you answered it. i love you like a deep aching feeling in my chest and i know you’ll never feel the same ever again and i keep thinking of our plans… meeting your father…watching labyrinth… finding more musicals you adore… and it just goes down the drain. i’ve never wanted someone so deeply before, everything aches for you. and i can’t stop thinking of you. it’s annoying… to think of you and wonder what you’re doing… wonder what you’re thinking or if you’re sleepy or not. i hate you sometimes.

the memories of us keep me warm at night

instead of your arms

i am too much

too much me

too much to love

too much.

I fear a time where my mother has buried me

A time when I no longer speak, think or feel

I long for a time I am ready to go, Death comforts me with his kind arms

I crave a feeling I will never get. Pure bliss.

My mother is not kind, nor is she warm

She is steadfast, quick, and loving

I ache for a time I am gone from her grasp

Her loving and tight grasp

I fear her wails when I am gone

It is my fault for praying for such a time

My fault for wanting such a time, for Death to love me like he loves everyone

Hunger

I am filled with words i cannot say, such sadness and pain inside

I am hungry when I sit for food but hungry for wisdom and insight and a place to put my food

I am hungry for a place to sit, a place where the words I speak, fill up someone’s mind

I am no longer hungry when I cannot speak my own mind

But hungry when I am empty.

it’s hard to love me

when i’ve been bullied and beaten

when i’ve been close to cutting the chord when you stand in the room with the bomb in your hand

when i speak and i’m angry

when my mood changes so quickly, it’s whiplash to you

i bet it’s hard to be my friend when i’ve seen so many leave me

when i can’t pretend to care about feelings i don’t possess

when my heart doesn’t ache but i yearn to help

i’m worried that i’m changed too much

in too little time, i worry

my traumas have made me this way, putting guards up one by one

i’m horrible in every aspect and i hate me for being a terrible human.

it’s hard for me to love me.

i want to be someone everyone stares at in a room

i want to be more than me

i want i want i want

i need to be someone you love.

deep sighs from a heart that is heavy with love

it drags me down and shoves me around

it yanks at my lungs and mouth, tugging upwards and i no longer breathe for myself

my heart is catastrophic, breaking and entering into my room with no warning signs

it no longer beats for me anymore

my heart is full and fragile and the smallest moments can take me down

i no longer breathe for myself anymore

my memory is flailing around as if it’s a fish out of water, i cling onto it although it isn’t mine

my heart is all consuming, aching for relief and a purpose to let go

i am not me anymore.

I wonder if the pain goes away after the rain

it shows up unexpectedly, trickling down the crevices of my soul, taking pieces of me down the drain

i believe in tornadoes to an extent that it swallows me up, screaming for help

i believe in standing in the rain, wishing it would cleanse my heartache for a love i won’t receive

i believe in thunderstorms, lightning striking harder than a tear down my cheek

it shows up unexpectedly, love. and it destroys me whole.

my bones are exhausted, carrying my body around

my head is tired, carrying my thoughts and dreams around

my soul aches for a love that kills

falling so easily and so dangerously in love, i pick apart the bones that hold me up the strongest

why fall in love when i could fall down? so deep down into my soul, i weep

i weep for past lovers and obsessions that no longer hold me when i’m sleeping

sleeping is such a funny thing but it means nothing when my brain is carrying so much

i know nothing of love, of hope and dreams and desires, i feel nothing of nothing

i envy the girl who has light bones that carry her effortlessly through life

light bones, i wish.