Very trapped

Why

It’s increasingly hard to find my place here back home

Just, at a loss

Christmas came late 😌

Lost a piece of me today

2017

A friend that I’ve drifted apart from over the years posted up something on instagram about how the course of one day doesn’t warrant a change in mindset just because it marks the new year, but i think it’s just a great opportunity to reflect on how life was the past 12 months, in terms of self growth and just introspection.. gives my heart and mind closure.

I think i’ve always struggled with admitting to myself that things are / were bad. Because I am perfectionistic this way and I can’t stand the thought of letting myself / others down, or painting a bad image of myself to myself and the world. I’m just going to be brutally honest here, first step to being more self-aware I guess.

2017 was by far, one of the worst years I’ve ever had.

Relationship, friendships, mindfulness, school, focus, self doubt. 

This was the year I can actually say i fully understand what “midlife crisis” and “identity crisis” really meant. Many times especially during clinicals / on the wards, I let my self worth depend so much on external validation from peers and doctors and professors. So much so that when others get that praise instead, I find the inner struggle / fight to compete against them, feel envy, or sometimes even jealousy. I let others get into my head that way. With that, I also find myself in the dilemma of being a career-driven vs family-driven person. Thankfully I’m not going to the States to the train and I dont need to decide on a set career path right now but I guess the years leading up to graduation (right now) are so crucial in paving your way to where you want in life.

I’ve asked myself many times what I want to be, who I want to be. No answer. Just felt lost so much of the time. On SSC I think I was blinded by all the prestige of being a surgeon - I had the great opportunity to live the life of a surgeon (obviously without the brains, just the schedule) and that was not going to be sustainable. Am I able to sacrifice time with friends and family and myself, for a career like that? I dont know. I ask myself that question almost everyday, and my environment changes the way I think - it’s so scary how things can influence me so much that way. During my SSC I was all for it, I wanted to put my 110% heart and soul into what I’ve fought for the past few years. When is it too much though? I didn’t realise the amount of sacrifice that will come with that decision, to enter a worklife that was essentially going to be your life. I never truly understood the importance of having a life out of medicine I guess, I think I always take that for granted. 

When I went home for Christmas and even in June, I was brought back to the mindset of “being a filial daughter” and “taking care of my family”. I think it really hit home when I went back during winter, and saw how my parents have aged. I think my mom’s deterioriating health really impacted on me, and made me realise how much regret will actually fill my heart if I take my family for granted anymore. And the situation with my bro and dad pushing my mom to her edge and giving her anxiety, having the family at loggerheads really killed me deep inside. I remember sitting in the salon with my mom and bro doing my hair and it just clicked within me. I felt at peace, at ease, it was like an internal  affirmation. I think I’d go home to train, even if it means I don’t specialise in what I want - currently Paeds and Surgery - or even specialise at all. Even if it means being a GP (Which im not so against anymore. not that GP is bad but i just didn’t want to be a generalist). I think I felt the happiest when I was with my family having a simple meal, enjoying each other’s company, no thrills and frills. Just love, family - gave me pure joy. Dont think I’ve ever felt so safe in my life and I think I’m really happy for that.

With my ambition in 2017, I feel like i didnt give my relationships the same amount of attention and energy, I didnt invest as much. Part of me feels like I’ve been investing so much of myself for the past 22 years in other people, I wanted to focus more on myself. I still dont know what the balance is, sometimes I feel like I’m in a better place and at other times I dont. Going to London so many times during the term and missing out on church time / lunch times with C and D i think drifted us apart quite a bit. ANd maybe A as well. I think I’m still uncomfortable with the opinion that others might have of me that im being “too ambitious” - like i really dont know how i want others to think of me. But maybe that doesn’t really matter? Idk. 

But with my commitment to my SSC and research, I feel like one of the highlights of 2017 was really me pushing my boundaries to include academic research in my career. I worked hard and gave my all for all the data collection, went down to London without hesitation whenever i was needed. And I’m so blessed to have been able to work together with P and prof, I really dont know what else I can ask for. This has given me so much precious experiences and taught me a great deal. I also dont know whether its a sign from God to stay on here and pursue surgery, or research, or???

2017 has also been a year where I really worked to push myself. I always wanted to be better. Better than previous years, better than others. I took quite a lot on my plate - treasurer for SMSI, healthex, 4 electives in summer, event planning for SMSI, sponsorship maintenance (this was a huge one), research... 

But because I was struggling so much inside with myself I think throughout 2017 i wasn’t focussed, I didnt know what i want most of the time. It was damn fulfilling working w A and the rest of the comm, but I always found myself comparing with the others at events - omg i’m not as personable as others, is there a problem with me? etc. I was always beating myself up for not being good enough. I feel like I’ve this ideal picture of who I want to be but I myself arent clear of who that person is. I wanna be charismatic, looked up to, ambitious but not too much that people will think badly, confident, a 1h student, all rounder... I think it was so important that people thought of me that way as well. I made the effort to remind myself that only what God thinks of me ultimately matters - found it really hard to let go of everything and just believe in that. 

What really broke me was when i didnt get the PEG. i think my ego suffered a huge blow, but i remember nearing the end of summer i asked myself what was the worst that could happen - i predicted having a very low self-esteem, feeling sorry to my parents, feeling bad about myself and my image.. but i knew god would give me the strength to pull through it. so i did, but it sucked feeling so fallible and lousy. always learning how to trust God, and let go. Imposed so many standards of myself; bc i was from an elite school and Im supposed to be a certain way.. I think it’s going to be hard to let this thought leave me, and I sometimes think its good i think this way, but i really hope i can find a balance. really blesssed to have seniors who helped me and reassured me after i didnt get it... T, C, Y, Chels 

One of the biggest downfalls in 2017 was my fallout with B over P. I was just in a bad place, uncommitted, unfocussed, unmotivated. I feel like I’d loved so poorly last year. I cant believe I let myself sway like that. I dont know when I’ll able to fully forgive myself.. but this is a terrible stain on the white table cloth in my life.. it felt so bad that even my friends were disappointed in me. It was the worst when some of my closest friends whom i’ve confided in actually said that. but some were really understanding, and they accepted who i am. but i dont want to be this person that somebody else has to accept for being flawed. idk. it was such a tough time, pulling through this. really thank God for L, Y, L, C and J, S and J. People whom i know meant well, had my best interests at heart. The first half of the year I had no intention (!!!!) of nurturing my rs with B at all, mayb because I felt so tired and probably forgot how to love. The rough patch actually lasted the whole year now I think about it. Things took a turn for the better probably nearing the end of the year.My heart finally opened to seeing the good in B once more especially when I came home, and saw how much of him was broken but he still chose to love me. And he even initiated making plans. But it was also a time when I questioned so many of our fundamental beliefs.. church, personality, family orientedness. I still dont know whether we are right for each other, or more appropriately - whether we are a God willing couple. Still trying to figure things out.

But this year has really shown me how great God is. It was only with His grace and resilience that he gave me that I was able to pull through 2017. Things that happened that I’m so, so thankful for - 

1 SSC / research

2 Penang

3 B 

4 Family

5 SMSI - experiences and how amazingly things worked out for every, single, event. 

6 Getting closer to other singaporeans in Ireland esp A and C.

7 Finding it within me to self improve and be kinder to myself

8 Signing up for gym and sticking to a workout routine !!!!!!! -something huge for me

9 Trips to visit friends- D, P and N

10 friends that i havent been exactly the greatest to and probably take for granted, but still stuck with me throughout <3

11 being more relatively emotionally independent, was less anxious even tho still anxious when leaving home

12 truffles

New year resol

1 be kinder to myself - stop being so hard on myself, learn how to forgive myself and accept myself for who i am

2 Invest more focussed time and energy into people who rly matter the most

3 stop caring about what other people think- just be and do me

4 stop trying to please people and turn that favor towards God instead

5 be back on track w my walk with god- QT, church, thoughts and heart

6 spend more time with family

7 exercise and stay healthy physically and mentally

8 read and pls be more informed bout the world

9 focus in school, do my best not bc of the grades; its ok to set aims but have the bigger pic in mind

10 be more disciplined- punctuality wise, lifestyle choices wise.

11 be in touch w myself, w friends

12 keep thinking about the good in people but also be wary of my heart

13 doing my best, and let God do the rest.

14 being thankful every day, stop being envious of others - theres so much to be thankful for in my life

15 keep striving for perfection but strike a balance thats good for my mental health

16 Have better time management, be MORE ORGANISED, know how to prioritise things, exercise prudence in spending PLS.

17 remember how to look at the good side of people even when they turn against you

18 develop myself more holistically and esp in terms of medical knowledge.. really need this for fourth and final med and to be a good doctor.

19 learn how to cook

20 strive towards being more emotionally independent 

21 not take things personally

This whole year has been a journey of self discovery, self doubt and loathing, and a struggle to really let go and let God. I realised I have trust issues that I need to work on.. with God, B and impt people in my life. And myself. 

its been a ride, but with God’s grace... 2018, im ready for u.