The Diary of Emiel Regis Rohellec Terzieff-Godefroy
Autumn, 1270
I feel dreadful every time I have to request Dettlaff's help. I can see clearly that when he says: it's alright, it's fine, it's not a problem. That he means it, every time. And yet the dreadful feeling remains.
I have concluded that I detest the thought of being a burden, that in my insecurity, I see my every need for aid as such. I am not completely wrong in that: whether it is alright or not, meeting my needs requires Dettlaff's effort - that is an indisputable fact.
But what is disputable is whether my feelings of shame and guilt are or are not misplaced. There is a part of me that knows they are; that for Dettlaff it truly is no great effort to pass me a mug or bring me a blanket. That I create far more effort for him when I attempt to do those things myself only to collapse in the middle of the room, dropping in a heap of bony limbs, like a puppet that had its strings cut. That it adds worry to my dear friend's efforts to care for me.
So I try to ask, even though each time the guilt and shame return.
An exercise in putting myself in his situation, though proves the rational part of me right, brings little relief. Of course I would not consider it a great burden to do these things for Dettlaff were our roles to be reversed. Of course I would rather he asked than strained himself unnecessarily. And yet the same principle, when applied to myself, fails to free me from the guilt.
How ironic. As a doctor, I so often give my help to those who need it so I know the joy it brings too. I know it well, intimately, the warmth and satisfaction that settle in my chest when I help, when I see the fruit of my work in the shape of a smile, of returning strength, of eased suffering or hardship.
So why do I struggle to accept that helping me may give Dettlaff the same joy? Do I truly see myself as so unworthy of his help? And is it... is it because I blame myself for my demise?
I have given in to weakness, after all. I have drunk. No, I gorged myself like back in my worst days. Neck after neck snapped, drained, and all telling myself that it was better than letting the blood go to waste. Such a lie I told myself! And worse still - believed it.
Would I have survived if I hadn't drunk then? Would my reflexes have been fast enough to escape the spell? I don't know. I will never truly know.
Or maybe that is the lie I am telling myself - and believing - now.
the chapter following regis' introduction opening with not one, not two, but THREE quotes about vampires is incredible. hmmm do you think 🤔 there's a vampire in our midst 🤨 i wonder who it could be...... 🤷♀️
Take a Monsters hand
Okay gif attempt number 2. That transiting was a bitch, and I hate how oddly the loops on his jerkin move. I think my biggest grip though is the fact that Daz refused to animate his hair. It just straight up said no.
It is much smaller though. Last gif was 8 gigs this is 5. So I'm getting the size down.
Based on the post I made a while ago:
I feel like Regis is just silly fella. Also higher vampires love shiny things like their lesser cousins and you can fascinate a higher vampire with a piece of jewelry
(I chose yarrow (common yarrow) beacause It grows everywhere here and in Polish the name is krwawnik and it relates to blood (krew- blood) haha funny.)
Anonymous asked:
headcanons on what Regis is like drunk on blood / if he relapsed?
For young Regis, blood was the nectar of confidence he so desperatly craved, and was sure he was lacking. It not only lowered his inhibitions but also put him in a merry mood. On top of that, it tended to quite severly mess with his better judgement. With poor company added to the mix, disaster was rather unavoidable.
On blood, young Regis invigorated and full of life. He felt himself able to reach the heights he dreamed of, socially and otherwise. Crucially, he also felt that he belonged. No longer the object of laughter and pranks, but now a participant. And the blood was effective at silencing his conscience and better judgement.
Quite literally drunk on those feelings, he was prone to showing off, not only going along with unwise ideas but rather coming up with them himself. Eager for the boost in social standing that provided but also relishing the thrills of the murderous adventures.
Foolish as it all was, Regis enjoyed it for a rather long time, and it wasn't until he began to realise the emergence of his problem with blood that he also allowed himself to touch upon those thoughts and feelings he's been silencing with his excessive drinking. The more his conscience ate at him and his inner self felt at odds with his actions, the more he drank, though, to silence it. All until reaching that point of no return...
Were Regis to relapse into blood addiction again, it would undoubtedly be coloured with great shame he would feel for himself, for falling into the weakness. Drunk on blood, he might be pleasant company, but those who know him now would likely find this version of him unsettling: louder, prouder, over-confident, prone to boasting, to indulgence in fleeting ideas. Forgetting all that wrenches his heart until the high is over and that weight doubled with the shame added to it.
On a side note, as per my personal headcanons, the complete physical regeneration which Regis underwent with Dettlaff's help has reset his bodily issues with blood. In other words, physically, he is not addicted anymore. It is also why he permits himself alcohol, which he had been avoiding before as well. But that doesn't mean the danger of falling back into addiction is completely gone for him, as the psychological aspect still remains. He is however far more resistant to it now, after several centuries of not only self reflection but also self growth. Him drinking raven blood was a well thought out decision, calculated and deliberate, a necessity, with his full awareness of possible consequences. He trusted himself to be able to resist the temptation afterwards, and to seek help if should his own will fail him.
This meme format is what I call ol reliable I’ve used it so many times
My portraits inspired by Across the Spiderverse so far. There’s one character left!
Best profile in the series.
