kinda wanna stop using tumblr to cross post all my insta stuff
i like having a little private world
if you wanna add me there or on fb just send me a message and i’ll be happy to add you
week eight and i’m full of hate 😩 i hate this episode and how it’s making me feel. the last depressive episode i had was so brutal and devastating because i felt all this self doubt and hatred i hasn’t felt since i was a teenager. it’s come back so while it’s not as severe, i feel like my inability to function is so much worse. i’m struggling with everyday stuff especially all the stuff that helped me have some kind of routine and normalcy last time. this essay is fucking me up and i just feel lost and awful and so emotionally worn out from the past month 😞😞😞
japanese patties with slaw and wasabi mayo 👌🏻 this depressive episode is crippling and nothing that kept me together last time is there or possible so i just feel hopeless and like i’m a shell of the person i was 6 weeks ago. ticking every damn box for depression and it’s just weighing on me so heavily. i’ve gotten nothing done on my essay this weekend and have just been crying and having panic attacks. i just want to feel okay again and i don’t know how long that’s going to take 😞 i want to do my essay and find a housemate and just feel like myself again and it’s painful to miss yourself so much
thursday nights seem to be the hardest lately. going to group is hard and the trip there and back feels long and group takes quite a lot out of me. i don’t feel positive about the things we discuss and i feel like i have nothing good to report so by the time i finally get home i just feel so sad and empty. after facing the week all alone and not having any potential housemates to meet with on the weekend, i just flop in bed and feel awful. i don’t have a fun outing this weekend because i’m too worried the crowds at the aflw will be too much to handle and i’ve got an essay to write so i feel like i have nothing but anxiety and stress awaiting me. anxious about talking to my teacher on monday and i’m just trying so hard to remind myself why this is important and something i need to do and not let anxiety rule this. i am just struggling to find good moments because i know that’s the best i can hope for right now. coming out of this depressive episode is going to be slow and it won’t really hit until i’ve had a few good days in a row and i’ll go oh wait i haven’t cried in a while or felt anxious or upset and then it’ll hit me like a ton of bricks in a good way just how many things have improved. very very very over feeling depressed 😞 i feel like a very hollow version of myself and i miss the version of me i love and enjoy
living alone is really bad for me and it’s probably going to be a few more weeks. still no solid interest so i’m emailing my ex housemate on the weekend to tell her she needs to pay rent again. just gotta keep looking and messaging people and hope next week is more successful. he might pee on the carpet sometimes and barks at people, cats and dogs who go past but he loves me on those really hard days and reminds me i’m important, matter, worthy of love and a happy home and i’ve had a lot of them lately
chilli con carne with a major side of depression 😩 showered, did housework and cooked dinner despite spending the afternoon crying so idk if it’s a win or a tie at this point. this shit sucks
he does an amazing job of loving me on the days i struggle
classes this tri have rattled me and it didn’t happen last year but i figure it’s due to wanting to work on getting experience this year and kicking things up a notch. after making myself cry on the train home from insta captioning it took me a bit to realise a lot of this comes down to having a depressive episode. sometimes the symptoms can be subtle and i think today is a good example of it. the career and job prospects, anxiety and doubts i have might be factual but they might only be 20% where my brain feels like it’s 80%. so it’s all consuming and feels depressing and impossible when it might only be a small part. i got good feedback on my first essay and heard from a really awesome speaker today. i think the long day just drains me a bit so my anxiety comes up easily and it’s hard not to be thinking about where i wanna go in life and what i wanna do. i am so fucking worn out though so i’m very thankful to have leftovers and fruit salad. i also don’t have another early morning til the 9th so i’m going to enjoy my sleep and hope this depressive episode doesn’t get too much worse
week seven and this morning is a struggle 😩 i’m going to be counting down til i can flop in bed later for sure. last week was a public holiday, next week i don’t have a morning class and the week after is easter so at least that means no early mornings for a few weeks
thai style pork salad 👌🏻 three weeks and no solid interest with potential housemates and it fucking sucks. i hate living alone 😩😩😩 doing all the housework sucks, not cooking tons sucks, cooking for one and eating alone sucks. i just hate it and want to find someone new and wonderful already. i don’t want to settle for the first person i interview and want to have a few options so here is to hoping this week brings me a bit more success
the relief of submitting your essay without any further panic attacks. things had been building for a while and wednesday was just breaking point and that’s okay. i still have two more essays and a group assignment and at this point it’s making me wish it was an exam 😩 time to breathe and pay myself on the back and hope this gives me my first hd 🤞🏻
feeling tired and awful and it just sucks. i wanted to skip group to finish my essay but i’m dragging myself there. stressed that i don’t have any potential housemates to meet this weekend and just feel like my ex housemate has given me no proof that she’ll be cooperative and pay more rent. i don’t want to settle for the first person i interview and end up with a bad fit like before. things just suck and i feel like i’m trying really hard to keep together but i had two awful panic attacks last night and everything i’ve been terrified of hitting me from the past few weeks hit me so hard 😞😞😞 just gotta try take each day as it comes and hope things somehow work out
black bean, corn, roasted red capsicum, tomato and jalapeno quesadillas 😍😍😍 the flip was a bit of an epic fail like today has felt. the day after a really good day always feels a bit off and difficult even if i don’t actually feel bad. this essay is definitely a struggle and i feel like i haven’t done enough work on it tonight but don’t want to go to the hassle of getting an extension. i know they exist for a reason and i have a pretty high stress situation happening right now as i’m about to post a fb ad. i just need to practice some self care and kindness and get the medical certificate and see how i go tomorrow night and whether i can finish it or not. if i do then i do and if i don’t then i can use the extension. tomorrow i’ll go to the dr, get some donuts and fruit salad and hope for the best but hopefully allow myself some compassion that i’m just trying my best and if i can’t get it all done tomorrow then that’s okay. time to flop in bed and watch some tv
no eight dua lipa 😍 i don’t think i even saw eight last year so this feels awesome. the palais is such a cool venue and i’ve seen some amazing shows here like florence and the machine when i first moved properly to melb and knew this was the beginning of things really falling into place. i saw halsey here and it was a defining point in my life because i was incredibly sick with migraines and hit a turning point of them going from bad to horrific and i almost didn’t go but i pushed myself. i sat at the side of the venue with the staff and just felt my life aligning and making sense and that i wanna work in music and found the right degree and over two years later it’s so much better. i know live music is where i belong and that it’s going to be a challenge to get experience and work my way up and juggle my health problems but it’s where my passion is. it’s a daunting thing to undertake and i’m going to face continued anxiety over inexperience and my age and my health issues but what’s the point of anything if i’m not following what makes me the happiest and turning that into what almost my entire world revolves around. my happiness is so important to me and i know as each concert goes by things are feeling better and i’m getting closer to my goals of working and doing this 👌🏻 today’s been a good day and i really really needed it
i’ve had more crappy or bad days lately than good or alright ones and it’s hard. i don’t take for granted how easily i can leave the house or not be anxious to go out because i’ve had plenty of days where my anxiety is crippling and i’m in tears before and after leaving. the past six months have probably been the best, most stable and busiest i’ve ever had and a big part of that was because of my home environment. it made the world of difference to have the kind of support i had and feel so comfortable at home. it’s four years since i first moved to melb next month and three years since i came back in july and i’ve had one stressful or uncomfortable situation after another but now i know what i need and want. i know it’s possible to have that and i know i’m a really good housemate. i just have to hope that this next person works out because it’s felt so wonderful being out and about in the world being so happy and busy but coming back to a good environment just made things even better. i’m putting an ad on the queer housing group tomorrow so fingers crossed i get some interest and can meet people this weekend 🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻
butter bean ragu 👌🏻 essay is going alright but i don’t know whether to get an extension or not. i’m out tomorrow and thursday and it’s due friday 5pm. if it was due midnight like other classes it’d be easier 😬 i don’t want to push myself too hard but going to take the form in for an extension will be an extra trip too. feeling incredibly lonely and sick of doing all the housework and just a bit sad. i don’t miss my ex housemate per say but i miss what my home life was. just gotta hope i can organise some meetings this week and find someone soon 🤞🏻
brown pork fried rice with a side of major panic and stress about my essay. i was so worn out last night i felt like i couldn’t do much beside gather articles to look at. my job this afternoon was to begin mapping it out and writing it and i just got overwhelmed and had all my current life stresses rush to my head. i seem to need one big cry and meltdown while doing essays before i get some confidence and momentum going. my confidence feels awful for someone who’s only gotten distinctions so far so it’s frustrating. i’m doing an essay on the stresses of touring and was struggling to piece it together because part of me was having that self doubt of will i be able to handle doing this for a job? being chronically ill and functional of any kind is a challenge and being a tour manager would be demanding and stressful work. it’s hard not to be intimidated by it and wonder if i’m cut out for it but on the flip side i know it’s where my heart is. i know i’m passionate beyond belief and with a little experience under my belt that it’ll be something i find is a calling and if anything being chronically ill has taught me how to manage multiple things at once, be organised and problem solve. i have to believe that if my passion is there that my natural abilities will come through and give me a fulfilling career. i’m ready to take up some volunteer opportunities and saw one i would have taken up but am dealing with needing to keep weekends free so someone can move in. i have more confidence in the past half hour in this essay than i’ve had all week and found this 196 page study about the stresses of the entertainment industry in aus which is a goldmine. being that mental health issues are so prevalent in my life and is something i’m passionate about i think is really like to incorporate that into a part of my career too. years ago i wanted to get into psychology and this is just some of that area coming back. this might be the essay that gets me a hd 🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻
definitely exhausted 😩 didn’t sleep the best, updated my support worker on everything and took a very long three hour trip to pick up meds. too tired to do most of the housework or cook dinner and that added fatigue from depression just fucking sucks. my energy levels in the past six months have been incredible and now i feel like i have to pick and choose what i can handle on any given day. i know bipolar is an episodic illness and there doesn’t have to be a trigger for an episode but when there is, it feels there is double the stress to try cope with. just tired and need a hug and to not feel like i’m having to handle all of this on my own
didn’t cry in group but i feel a bit like a depressed zombie so idk what’s a win or loss right now 🤷🏻♀️