Es ist faszinierend wie schnell man von "pass bitte auf und überstürze nichts!" zu "lass uns die Treppe hoch und ins Bett gegen für die nächsten Stunden" wenn die Eier langsam blau werden...😄🙈🤣

Already having two WIP

The white one will somewhen be a jacket for work, the grey and petrol will be a granny hexagon jacket.

And another time we're back to 🥶 and asking and begging🤦‍♀️ great way to end 2022 and start 2023🤷‍♀️

I had hope for a more pleasant way to welcome the new year.

War ne harte Nacht. Ein seltsames Wochenende. Ich weiß, du bist unterspielt hoch 1000. Ich war endlich daheim heute. Ich war müde. Ich hab geschlafen anstatt deine Fotos gleich zu machen. Mir war kalt. Und ich hatte null Idee was ich als Motiv nehmen sollte. Was ich knoten sollte. Ich bin schon dankbar dass mein Handyspeicher zig Fotos enthält die ich dir für deine Adventskalender Aufgabe schicken kann. Und selbst da bin ich oft so planlos dass es untergeht in meinem Alltag.

Mein Gefühl sagt mir es ist nicht fair dass ich mir jetzt ne Strafe eingefangen habe nur weil ich eine Aufgabe, die mich locker ne Stunde kostet, nicht mehr gemacht hab, nur weil ich vor Erschöpfung geschlafen habe bis mich meine Tochter geweckt hat.

Mein Kopf sagt mir ich hätte es trotzdem machen sollen. Ich bin den Raubbau doch gewohnt sagt er. Ich bin es doch gewohnt Dinge zu tun, die mir nichts bedeuten, nur weil jemand will dass ich sie tue sagt er. Ich bin es doch gewohnt dass jemand über mich und meine Meinung hinweg entscheidet sagt er.

Also warum fühle ich mich schlecht? Warum tut es irgendwie weh, drinnen? Warum liegt mir nichts an deinen Aufgaben? Warum finde ich sie im Bestfall süß und im schlimmsten Fall einfach bloß nervig? Ich hab dir gesagt ich male gern aus. Also kaufst du ein bondage-erotik-bdsm Malbuch und machst es zur Aufgabe daraus etwas auszumalen. Als ob die Bilder ausmalen meine Lust anheizen würde. Du lässt mich Videos gucken die im schlimmsten Fall Bedenken triggern, öde sind oder im besten Fall ein dezentes schmunzeln auslösen. Du lässt mich Fotos von mir machen und weißt genau dass ich Bilder von mir selbst nicht leiden kann. Dass wir selbst wenn du welche schießt zig Aufnahmen und Winkel brauchen bis ich eines sehe daß ich als ok empfinde.

Für Lust brauche ich Stimmung. Und für Stimmung eine Person die beteiligt ist. In Person beteiligt. Und selbst dann ist es manchmal schwer.

Was stimmt mit mir nicht dass mir dieses "good girl" so rein gar nix gibt?? Warum kann ich aus der Erfüllung einer Aufgabe keine Befriedigung ziehen? Wenn ich selbst der Ansicht bin ich habe etwas gut gemacht gibt mir das mehr als wenn du das sagst und ich das nur höre aber im schlimmsten Fall nicht der gleichen Meinung bin. Warum schreckt mich eine Strafe, selbst wenn es 2x3 Schläge mit der Tawse sind, nicht wirklich? Warum fühlt sich das erhalten einer Strafe einfach nur als normal an, selbst wenn ich die Strafe an sich als unfair empfinde?

It's pretty late so forgive me some odd phrasing or misspelling.

I can understand that it can happen that, when a person you know for a looooong time, changes gender, you accidentally address them wrong. I totally do. Old habits are hard to kill. Knowing someone as "he/she" and then you have to change to opposite or "they/them", or whatever it is in your language, is not easy. But it's a case of manners to do your best and try to get it inside your head. And if it happens and you slip...apologising don't hurt.

But there's one thing I don't understand. And that's having no respect for anybody who walks that path and changes. Call me naive or whatever. But a person I call friend is a friend. And friendship has no gender. At least for me. Somebody calling himself/herself/theirself female or male or nothing of those doesn't change a single bit of what they are. Your friend is the kindest and sweetest person you've met? Or funny? Empathic? Hilarious (in a good wa^^)? Someone you would steal horses with? Someone you talk to about every topic? Gives advice whenever you ask? Or someone you can fight with and still be best friends after? Why should that change just because the gender has? Or because of being gay, lesbian, queer or whatever else there is??

A friend is a friend. Period. And if you don't feel comfortable with your friend after the change (or the outing) anymore, you should really look at yourself what needs a change in your self.

Really? For some maybe. Not for me. Not for my family, not for relationships. Where's the reason for trying so hard to be me when being me means to fail any expectation set in me?

Yes, I should be asleep by now. Or better...since almost three hours now. I'm still awake. Sleepless again.

It was a long day. Work, kids, thinking about my contract with him. The changes that I'm no fan of. Those that need more than one serious talk. I've thought about, wrote email. We talked about your reply via email. I shouldn't had. I should had scheduled it for later. For Regensburg when we meet again.

But no, silly me talked. And failed with bedtime cause I took the time to shower and blow-dry my hair. Maybe I should cut it the lowest I'm allowed to. Then I could even sleep with wet hair. My goodnight was two or three minutes too late. Yes, not the first time this week. But cause of that you're already punishing me with your 'no sugar till it's Wednesday'.

I've set alarm for the rest of the month to be reminded early enough to be able to go to the bath before bed. I don't like to be punished with the tawse for every minute I'm overdue. And I won't talk to you after 9PM anymore.

Edit...ok, I checked log. It was 7 minutes late. There'll be no more minutes for this month.

Why do you play a game?

For me...I play games cause I like to play.

Yes, I do play to win too. But in case I lose it don't matter. As long as it was a fair game and you don't make fun of me.

I've never played to avoid something. Till this evening.

The first round I played to win. I lost. Not too high, but I lost. You told me you'd give me pins for each gold I win. I thought you're making a joke. I learned you did not. The clothespins hurt, but since it wasn't the amount of the gold I won it was bearable. Not okay but bearable. This was after the second round which I lost too. 99 gold was my sum up.

We started the third round. The pins still on me. Ripping them off after a while playing hurt like hell. But more the fact that you kept on with your 'joke'. I wasn't sure but decided to go again for win.

Do I have to say I lost again? The count is 147 minus the 7 I already got while playing. I'm pretty sure you will not pin them all on me. But still I have the feeling that I don't want to win the next game.

Don't matter if we will play cards or a board game I don't want to win anymore.

If just a simple game we play for fun is used to play with me I prefer to not play to win.

Dear Sir

Thanks for making the last two days not as hard as you could have made them.

Still, they were far from being easy. You gave me topics to think about. Things you would want me to do. To be. Not every second of the day, but much more often without being told to do.

When we started the first day you told me I'd feel down to you. Silent and short. Not speaking on my own. Answering when being asked but nothing more.

Yes, I was short, tone low. I felt the urge to control every word and every sentence twice before it left my mouth.

Obviously I am not submissive enough, not humble enough, not obsequious enough. Not enough.

Yes I am obedient. But I have a sharp tongue too. I give cheeky remarks. I point out the holes in your logic sometimes. I laugh with you. I give my opinion on things you plan for us. Yes, sometimes without being asked for.

I give my concerns about things. I ask, sometimes even demand, explanations for things you want me to do. Yes, I still hesitate to do things you know are hard for me to do. Yes, I sometimes try to navigate me out of them. I know I shouldn't. I know I should simply do as I'm told.

But I'm not perfect.

You told me I should see it like a role to play. But that's not fair to me. It feels like lieing. It feels like I am to amputate an important part of myself. I can be that way with you cause I feel comfortable with you. I feel safe to be a silly, bear-poking, cheeky, tiny-bit know-it-better sometimes. Cause that's what I am too sometimes. Not always, that not. But every now and then it's peeking through.

For the last two days you made me ask for eating, drinking, checking my mobile, going to toilette. There never was a 'No' for those asks. That was the nice part.

Yesterday when we parted you told me that you'd want me to be this more often. That was the not so nice part.

Cause to me I often am that way. Ok, not outright asking every time. I rarely eat without you, don't start eating without you. Every time I am thirsty I ask if you would want something to drink too. I fill your glass first. I ask if you want a refill if you empty your glass fast. When we're together I ask if I may go to the toilet before we go on with whatever we plan. I time my asks to the little pausings between whenever it's possible (urgent occasions excluded ^^).

You told me that this is just my normal courtesy.

May I tell you it's not? Yes, I am courteous most of the times to the people around me and especially to my partner. But aside the eat together part I don't do what I do when I'm with you, with other people. If I have guests I make sure they have drinks, I pour the first glass. But from that on they can fill their glass on their own. I may ask them after a while if they have what they wish for. Nothing more. I leave the room to go to the toilet with "excuse me, am back in a few minutes" , maybe adding "heading to the bathroom" as an explanation. I never would ask anybody if I am allowed to go. With a partner I make sure there's a fresh bottle but I rarely filled his glass every time he emptied it. I sure as h... never told him that I would like to go to the toilet. I just leave and come back after. Maybe I would have informed him that I go. Mostly not. With you...I am asking.

It's (to me) no sign of disrespect or that I doubt what you're telling me when I try things on my own. Even when the outcome is exactly what you told me it will be. I can admit that you were right without hurting myself. What I can't say easily is "I am sorry for doubting your words on this". Cause for me it's not doubting you. It's not that I don't believe you. To me it's easier. It's the simple fact that I need to experience some things first hand. And not "just believe" cause I am being told to do.

You reminded me of the words I choose for my mantra. Maybe I should do a change. Maybe I should change one sentence. I found out that "can be every kind of woman that you want me to be" is obviously not true. Maybe I should change it to "I will try and do my best to be the kind of woman that you want me to be". Some kinds I can be with little effort. Some will take more effort. And, as I found out lately, some are simply not in me to be and still be a happy girl.

I will never be your perfect slavegirl. For that we have too different definitions of what it takes to be one.

I am sorry for not being enough some times.

Yours, as you're mine

Ist es nicht schön dass Ela verbiegen eine Strafe ist?

Ich sag extra noch dass meine Gedanken dazu kein Wunsch/keine Forderung/keine Bitte um Änderung sind. Es sind meine Gedanken gewesen. Und nun hab ich eine Strafe die ich für drakonisch gehalten hatte, die aber in ein paar schmerzhaften Minuten überstanden und begraben gewesen wären, auf eine 4tägige Länge ausgeweitet bekommen mit jeder Menge Demütigung und verbiegen dessen wer ich bin.