good night

will never forget when i worked in a fast food joint. some customer wrote like “86 cherries” on their mobile order, as like a pretentious way of say no cherries, but the store was run by a bunch of high schoolers who are working their first job so they collectively went “why the fuck does this guy want 86 fucking cherries” and like piled them onto his milkshake

so when i made this i didn’t expect ANY notes so i feel like an asshole now for not explaining. so incase you check the notes, 86 in restaurant terms means “unavailable or out of stock” but has kinda morphed into “omit” or “leave out”. but none of us had worked in a restaurant before, also why would you not just say “no cherries” it’s the same amount of characters to type

Man ordering food: I work in the restaurant business ;)

Children working at restaurant: this guy must really like cherries. Got something in your eye there sir

The fact that Beretta sells a Bobcat with a factory threaded barrel is so fucking funny to me

The 21A in its designed role as a pocket pistol makes complete sense, even if you don't agree with it. It's tiny and lightweight and you can carry it basically anywhere and it makes a really loud bang when you put holes in stuff. Sick. Put a can on it and it's none of that anymore, and you can't even use the sights. There is literally zero practical application for this gun other than murdering somebody in the back of the head from muzzle contact. This is a gun for villains. This is a machine for a guy with a grudge and a plan. It's so fucking funny I love devices with no purpose but harm.

I watched a video about this one time where a guy said he pocket carried one with a can on and loaded with rat shot so that while he was walking his dog in his Florida suburb he could dispatch venomous snakes "without disturbing the neighbors" which is objectively funny as hell to imagine

i love adding explosions mid sentence. like i could be in the middle of rambling about something or i could be attempting to be funny and then i'll j💥

thank you. please dont do this to me

what is your problem

HELLO ????????

[Image IDs: Tumblr tags. paperKutzBlog: #this reals like it has thousands of notes. lluckless-lavendar: #so you're saying it could. blow up. krystal-prisms: #JKF core /End IDs]

joe hills

When the polycule is planning to road trip

I dreamed that I was playing mariokart and there was a track that took 3 days to complete and when I somehow managed to get 1st place a popup came onscreen that had a pic of koopa troopa and text that read “congratulations!! you’re gonna have so much sex” and I started laughing so hard I woke up

*Lemony Snicket voice* The word ‘poison’ here can mean many things. ‘Poison’ may literally refer to the presence of an unwashed llama in a stream from which a nearby village likely collects its drinking water. Likewise, it may figuratively refer to the effect of greed and isolation on the priorities of a young ruler, or the machinations of a villainous royal advisor on the health and wellbeing of said young ruler. In this case, however, ‘poison’ most literally refers to the poison, the poison for Kuzco, the poison chosen especially to kill Kuzco, Kuzco’s poison… That poison.

i feel like i was just rick-rolled

my dnd party has run into an npc who may or may not be evil and may or may not decide to betray us and the dm was in chat today like “just so everyone knows…not addressing this comment at anyone in particular…his favorite colors are red and black…wink” so now i’m desperately trying to get a real physical friendship bracelet done before session tomorrow in the vain hope that i can somehow stop this npc from trying to do a murder on my party

UPDATE: the npc was in fact a shapechanged adult black dragon with violence and conquest in his heart. however he did let merry put a friendship bracelet on him and then when she was like “hm okay how big is your wrist in dragon form” he was like “you wanna see?” and then turned into a dragon and let merry measure him for a second, dragon-sized friendship bracelet. the dm described him afterwards as being deeply confused as to why he did this or let any of this happen to him. call that the merry effect

this guy is now a recurring npc because merry was SO determined to make him her friend that it actually somehow worked. he cast dream to talk to one of my party members like “hey…how’s it going…how are the tieflings in the party…not that i care…also i’m not lonely. bye” and the player was like “is he still wearing merry’s friendship bracelet in this dream” and the dm was like “yeah…”

fsdfjhskdf the dm just sent us all this image

so merry taught naeric (the dragon) the power of love, obviously, and because his heart was open and beautiful he started dating…a SECOND evil dragon. and then that gf betrayed him and cast ninth level imprisonment on him so now naeric is our damsel in distress and we have to save him from his girlfriend, the actual villain. how the turntables…

and. in the most horrible plot twist of all. the gf stole his friendship bracelet.

I've come to make an announcement: the moon kaiser is a bitch-ass motherfucker. He killed my best friend. That's right he took his lenny fucking spiked helmet army and he killed my best friend. And he said his army was 'this strong' and i said that's disgusting. So I'm making a callout post on themechanisms dot com. Moon kaiser you got a weak army, its got the strength of this walnut except way weaker, and now here's what my army is like *pffft*. No spikes, No lennies, look at that it's just two guys and a wooden toy. He killed my best friend so I'm gonna kill his entire army! That's right this is what you get, my super laser manslaughter! Except I'm not gonna slaughter his army, I'm slaughtering THE MOON! How do you like that moon kaiser I'm blowing up the moon you idiot! You have 23 hours before the lunar cannon fires and blows the moon out of the sky, now get out of my sight before i blow up you too

for those interested in cowboy hat pet pics

i want to be a conventionally attractive wealthy skinny ciswoman so i can go on the bachelor and make it all the way thru the competition, and when the guy proposes to me i just like leap towards him and close my teeth around his neck and bite as hard as i can. just absolute animal brutality like shaking his neck like a ragdoll, growling ripping tearing etc, and then before anyone can stop me immediately run into traffic and die so no one ever gets the chance to understand why that happened

Customer: BORN GAY DMV: my instructions are to run any gay or lesbian plate by the review board, but as long as its positive it is acceptable… Customer’s last name is Gay. Verdict: ACCEPTED

LOVE WINS!!!!

Ian Stone, Doubting Thomas, oil on linen, 12x16 in, 2023

"If you know the painting by Caravaggio, Doubting Thomas, it was my direct inspiration for this piece.

A doubting Thomas is a skeptic who refuses to believe without direct personal experience. 50-60 years ago, it was not uncommon for people to think or believe that being gay was a phase or a mental illness or deviance in some shape or form. It's embarrassing that the same things are being said about trans people today."

STOP SCROLLING!!! THIS IS NOT A PHOTO IT'S OIL ON LINEN!!!!!!!!!

one small stupid thing that will never stop making me laugh is when streamers/let's players call any in-game currency dollars

the more fantastical and removed from our currency the in-game currency is the funnier it is. like calling rupees dollars is hilarious, but calling souls (dark souls currency) dollars? absolute peak of comedy to me

real-life non-dollar currency being called dollars? eh. depending on the context it can be a little bit funny, but most of the time not

fictional currency which is still in the form of coins and bills (eg. gil, pokemon money, simeleons) being called dollars? kinda funny

currency which isn't coins and bills, like jewels (eg. rupees) and other such valuables being called dollars? very funny

very weird and unusual currency which in no way resembles real-life valuables (eg. souls, blood echoes) being called dollars? MEGA funny

Being nearsighted makes sense to me, it’s like having a render distance. The concept that some people are farsighted scares me, what do you mean you can’t see things the closer they are to you

i recently noticed that @ jetblackcode created a really interesting tool that lets you see your tumblr stats, one of which is a comparison between the number of notes you’ve gotten on all your posts to the entire userbase! so, i figured a fun reblog game would be to put in your blog and tag which color you got:

i’ve colored the buckets on the histogram so that it’s easier to tell where you landed on the graph rather than just using numbers ^_^

Some facts:

1) Black Americans created jazz. 2) Jewish Americans created comic books. 3) These things are said to be the only original American art forms.

4) black Americans invented rock and roll.

5) Black AND Jewish Americans created musical theatre.