Random

A Cut Above

This is like the exact opposite energy to A.Shipwright‘s  Detective Noirot Chase

Sooo hilarious but I can completely see this being a real conversation between streaming execs 😏

(original vid: Asif Ali - instagram - https://tinyurl.com/2p8jpkzz)

“they even put an Indian guy in WandaVision”

hang on a second, I gotta look up something

yeah, this is really funny

[id: An IMDb text box. It displays an image of the actor in the above video, and reads:

"Asif Ali

Actor, Wandavision (2021)". end id.]

(Source)

image description: a painting of a male deer standing between a dark forest on the left and a wildfire on a hill on the right. the deer's antlers and eyes are ablaze with fire. there is text on either side of the deer. on the left, the text reads "We will avenge our burning forests on the banks, the oil companies, all the halls of extraction, power, and violence." on the right, the text reads "We will grow a better, greener world from the ashes." end of image description.

So D&D black dragons are supposed to live in swamps, right? Pretty amphibious, live in swamps, lair in...

caves. With a main entrance and a back entrance.

In swamps.

I really have trouble with the idea that there's these dragon-sized caves in an area with such a high water table, y'know? We have to go through miles of swamp to reach this lair, it's not one little boggy place in a mountain valley otherwise filled with nice caves. And the cave has to have two entrances, too? I can believe in dragons, but not this geology.

So... maybe it's not geology. Because a lair in a marshy place with exacting design specifications sounds a lot like a totally natural thing --

A beaver lodge.

So now I have this new image of black dragons industriously gnawing down giant trees to construct their mighty swamp lairs, and I am so much happier.

He's building his lodge.

To anyone worried about this eliminating the fear factor, don't worry; instead, imagine a lair full of sharp spikes formed from logs. Imagine previous, less fortunate treasure-hunters, dragonslayers, etc. being impaled on those spikes for your party to see.

That's brilliant! I'd done a dragon with shrike behavior in my game before, but it was a red dragon. I had the wrong species. We do know that black dragons like to let their food decompose a bit before tucking in. So they put in on a meat hook for a while.

i figured they were burrows dug into the wet ground, with submerged entrances and the central lair soupy with mud. i still like this, but i like the beaver dam idea more, so i think i will combine them.

how about: black dragons dig a mud burrow when they're small enough to need to hide, and live like salamanders or frogs. but as they get bigger, they start reinforcing the burrow with branches, then logs, as they expand it. piling brush and mud on top, maybe constructing mazelike branch tunnels to stash both food and treasure.

imagine raiding such a lair, chest deep in mud, slimy moss-hung branches spiking out of the walls. the reek of the dragon's larder choking you. you've already killed the adult dragon, but from somewhere in this soggy deathtrap, you can hear a sound like baby crocodiles...

Does this also imply that a black dragon might make a swampy area by damming up a river if it can't find a suitable one?

Imagining a party being called in to relocate a dragon that dammed a local river, flooding surrounding fields and villages.

what a hook! i love it! dragons could be such a force for landscape rearrangement, but i've never actually seen that be the problem in a campaign.

The summoned hero is effective if not a little… eccentric. He claims that he is a “dark souls player” and keeps saying “why should I wear armor if I don’t intend on getting hit”. Nevertheless, the great foe is no match for him, and the people love him.

I liked this post, scrolled for like another minute before I went “SHIT FUCK SHIT” and scrolled back to reblog it

I always reblog this one when I see it on my dash. When someone posts their own art, writing, or music here they are really hoping you will share it.

Life may suck but at least youre not scrolling through tiktok right now

Are fedoras really that bad?

YES YES THEY ARE

voidethered:

wait, does that mean?

oh boy…….

Luckily, this nonsense doesn’t work on girls.

Observe…

IT’S GOTTEN BETTER!

This post is immaculate

It can’t be true.

And it can’t possibly work on motorcycle helmets.

I must test it.

Nothing happening so far…

HOLY SHIT IT WORKS

What in the world?

Oh why not? This should be interesting.

Here we go!

Were all mad here in Underland!

What the hell! Never Again!

… Actually …

One more time.

Alright, I gotta try this!

Can’t be that bad!

….

…oh my god…

ask-gmodsfmrocks:

This just gets better and better

This is one of my favourite things to look at

holy shit this stuff is back

The Gravity Falls one though

i wonder if it works for flower crowns?

here goes nothin-

w HAT THE

DID I JUST-

WHAT THE FUCK

Okay Clearly something is up.

Hmm… I wonder

I’m sure nothing could possibly…

HOLY SHIT

IT GOT BETTER

I HAVE BEEN SEARCHING SO LONG FOR THIS POST OH MY GOD!!!

I wonder what happens when you wear 8 of these at once…

Never not reblog

IT’S ON MY DASH. ACTUALLY ON MY DASH.

Oh my God, there are so many new ones

It’s like looking at an influential piece from an art period…

It’s like looking at

an influential piece from

an art period…

Beep boop! I look for accidental haiku posts. Sometimes I mess up.

it obviously makes sense, but one of my friend’s kids is going into swim class, and all the parents got an email today going, “when little ones are scared, they cling on to instructors. PLEASE trim their nails.” 

i don’t know why that’s so funny to me, but just. the idea of this poor, scratched swim instructor having to make sure to email before each class as a reminder to please declaw the children SENT me. 

the fact that a river ends at the mouth implies that the source is the anus, and a river flows from anus to mouth

not for this one I don't think so

??????

Returns to the scene of my crime post 10k notes like I'm watching a bonfire and bringing my favorite additions to roast like marshmallows over the flames.

Adult Swim making an unholy amount of sense.

Truer now than in 2013.

why are you calling him green shrek?? shrek is already green??

No one is regular, everyone is extraordinary

Fixed

This post is a train wreck.

Why do you need to put ordinary? Shouldn’t it just be the words without the adjective?

Surprisingly, this is not a Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy reference, but an actual fact. From Burnout: Solve Your Stress Cycle, by Emily and Amelia Nagoski

I think Doctor Emily Nagoski has a PHD but YEAH

[image ID, photo of a book page:

[bold, centered text] Forty-Two Percent [bold ends]

So how much is “adequate”?

Science says: 42 percent.

That’s the percentage of time your body and brain need you to spend resting. It’s about ten hours out of every twenty-four. It doesn’t have to be every day; it can average out over a week or a month or more. But yeah. That much.

“That’s ridiculous! I don’t have that kind of time!” you might protest - and we remind you that we predicted you might feel that way, back at the start of the chapter.

We’re not saying you [italic] should [end italic] take 42 percent of your time to rest; we’re saying if you don’t take the 42 percent , the 42 percent will take you. It will grab you by the face, shove you to the ground, put its foot on your chest, and declare [image ends here, mid-sentence]

end ID]

Here’s the last paragraph, completed courtesy of Goodreads:

We’re not saying you should take 42 percent of your time to rest; we’re saying if you don’t take the 42 percent, the 42 percent will take you. It will grab you by the face, shove you to the ground, put its foot on your chest, and declare itself the victor.

You were once an adventurer but when was turned to stone. Your party tried to save you but it was too late, so they place you in the center of a town they founded, now years later an army marches onto that town and with every once of willpower you try to move…and with groan you take a step.

Art by u/reachling

Get his ass

If someone cut down whole fucking trees on a property I owned without my permission this would instead be a post about the graphic details of my murder trial (worth it)

the group chat when i ask whos available to hang out next week

Honestly this is one of the best formatted jokes of all time.

despite staff's recent changes, we're... winning??????

yo thats steven bradbury, winner of the short track 1000 metres at the 2002 winter olympics! yooo!! he’s the first man from THE ENTIRE SOUTHERN HEMISPHERE to win a gold medal in the winter olympics!!!

hold on, lemme tell you about steven bradbury because the man’s olympic career is WILD. not to be an annoying australian but the whole “purely out of the luck of everyone else crashing, i unexpectedly won!” thing is like 50% myth. lemme explain

so the man actually won gold in the world championships as part of the australian relay team in 1991, but when the team went to the winter olympics the next year, they dropped from third to fourth in the semi-finals and failed to make the finals. get this: the reason is, his teammate lost his footing and crashed. (bradbury was a reserve at the time)

so in the 1994 winter olympics, the australian relay team (with bradbury as an active racer) decided to take a safe and conservative approach. they prioritised staying safe on their feet and hoping other teams would crash. sure enough, the canadian team had a crash, and while they got back up again it lost them significant time and allowed australia to eke out a bronze--this bronze was also the first medal australia EVER won at the winter. in fact, australia could have gone for the silver, but richard nizielski (the same teammate who crashed at 1992) decided to cede the silver to the american he was racing against in order to avoid risking another crash. safe, steady, conservative.

bradbury didn’t just compete in the relay team at the ‘94 winter, though. he was also in the 500m and 1000m short track, and he was INCREDIBLE, but also had insanely bad luck. for the 500m, he came second in his heat and then WON his qtrfinal. he ultimately came fourth in the semi, losing his shot at the finals, after he was suffered a crash from being knocked down by another competitor, and ended up limping over the finish line. for the 1000m, he was ILLEGALLY SHOVED OVER by another competitor, dropped his position, and was elimated.

but his worst luck came at the montreal world cup of the same year when, during a collision, another competitors blade sliced through his thigh. he was in the middle of competing, his heart rate was high because of the adrenaline, blood was pumping like crazy through his body--right out his wound as a result. he lost four litres of blood. all four quadriceps had been sliced through by the blade. he almost died. he later recounted that he was fighting to stay conscious because he thought if he lost consciousness  he would definitely die (he probably would have). he ended up with ONE HUNDRED AND ELEVEN STITCHES in his leg, which he could not move afterward for three months. he ended up needing 18 months to get his leg back to full strength.

not only did the man almost DIE short tracking, he almost got a death sentence on his career at the time. his leg was almost disabled, and even though it healed, he was out of training for over a year because of the injury.

but he didnt die, and his career didnt end. bradbury kept training, and remained on the australian team. the man almost died and he still went, yeah nah, i’ve got a few good years left in me.

so bradbury comes back in the ‘98 winter olympics, both on the relay team and in the 500m and 1000m. the relay team unfortunately fails to qualify. devo. for the solos, bradbury was actually considered a real contender, he was still top of his game, but in the end he didn’t qualify for the quarterfinals. the reason for this was that his time had dropped due to collissions with other competitors. so he went home with nothing but a relay bronze. but bradbury was determined to see a short track win.

too bad fate fucking hates him apparently.

now, if you think almost dying because a skate blade sliced through your thigh and you almost bled out was bad, bradbury’s career was really threatened in 2000. during an exercise one of the other skaters fell in front of him. bradbury tried to jump, instead not only did he clip the other skater, but it caused him to lose his balance and he stacked it straight into the barrier, fracturing his vertebrae.

not only did the man spend months in a halo brace, not only did the man need to get pins skull and plates and screws bolted to his back and chest, but he was told explicitly by doctors he would never, ever be able to get back onto the ice again. that was it. he survives almost dying in the 94 world cup only to have his world crash and burn in a training exercise six years later.

anyway, fuck that, bradbury got back onto the ice. clearly. because goddamnit, he wanted that winter gold on a solo win.

look, not only did the man have a near death experience and metal bolted to his bones, but he was also aging up past the prime of an olympic athlete. he was, what some may say, not in his prime. it was a longshot. he admitted this. but he also wanted that fucking medal, and i guess everyone really liked him or felt incredibly bad for all the bad luck he’d had, so come the 2002 winter olympics, he’s on the team.

bradbury won his 1000m heat.

too bad in the qtrfinals he was racing against the gold medal pick of the host nation (ohno), and also the defending world champion (gagnon). only top two finishers could proceed to the semis.

bradbury came third. that was it. he was out. his olympic career was ov-

BUT WAIT, WHAT’S THAT! ON THE HORIZON! IS IT... A DISQUALIFICATION??? YES FOLKS, GAGNON WAS DISQUALIFIED FOR OBSTRUCTING ANOTHER RACER!! BRADBURY WAS IN!

he was in, but he still had the semis and the finals to get through. bradbury had, it was fair to say, an indomitable will, but his body was not in the same shape as his competitors. it had been through some shit. he knew he was slower than his rivals. so he took the same strategy as the australian relay team did all the way back in ‘94: conservative, steady, safe.

so here’s the thing. bradbury had a whole career, and body, full of proof that falls happen in short track. may as well call it short stack. it was a question of when, not if. people fall down, people collide, people trip, and medal chances are missed due to lost time. isn’t that what happened to him over and over again? so this is where i say that the whole “oh golly gosh who’da thunk everyone would fall down and i would just win!” thing is 50% a myth.

because that was his whole strategy.

you can’t be 100% certain the favourites are gonna fall, so of course there’s an element of chance, which is why i say only 50%, but bradbury’s plan for the semis and the finals was always to cruise along behind the other competitors, concentrate on skating safe and staying on his feet, avoiding collissions and trips, and just hoping (expecting) the other competitors to eat ice. he just wasn’t faster than his competitors, he was older, he had injuries, and he had to do (if things went well) four races in one night. it was a good strategy.

during the semis, bradbury’s “cruise behind the other races” strategy put him firmly in last place for most of the race. but then the other competitors all crashed, including a defending champion. bradbury cruised right into first place and went on to the finals. which is not the events of the picture above.

yep, that’s right. come the finals, bradbury repeats the exact same strategy. crusing behind the four other competitors, he kept a firm hold of last place and just concentrated on safety and steadiness. and then it happened. it wasn’t just a crash. it was the crash. a four-skater pile up. li (china) took the fall on the last turn of the race, just short of the finish, and triggered a chain crash that took all three other favourites down. bradbury was trailing 15m behind, putting him well clear of the collission.

bradbury hoped to get a bronze. he skated away with the first gold ever taken by an australian, by any man in the southern hemisphere, at the winter olympics.

he had over a decade of crashes and bashes. he almost died, twice. he almost had his career permanently destroyed, twice. he almost grabbed medals countless times, only to lose them to trips and shoves. he was the second oldest competitor, and the oldest of the finals. he was slower than everyone else. he was past his best. but let’s allow bradbury to say it best himself:

and what a goddamn slog. i want to say, firmly and proudly as an australian, the man didn’t win the gold at the 2002 winter olympics because he got lucky when seven competitors all tripped and fell. he won the gold at the 2002 winter olympics because he survived a ten year olympic career despite all the odds, never gave up despite the long shot, and used what he knew.

if there is a lesson in this as it relates to the original picture, it’s that while other social media platforms like twitter and reddit are jostling and shoving each other in competition to take first, tumblr has been slowly and steadily trailing behind, just focusing on keeping itself afloat, because it knows the simple truth that taking a fall is a matter of when, not if. and now everyone else is caught in a pile up and all it needs to do is keep cruising.

also, raise a glass to steven bradbury. man earned his medal.

clark reupload

edit: forgot the sweater comic

Can’t believe you forgot the Connecticut dog!!