in my phonebook are a psychiatrist and god

ever since i was a little girl i knew i wanted to be a stressed adult male protagonist splashing water on his face in the bathroom

"you shouldn't bite the hand that feeds you" if you insist on treating me like a beast then you can't be shocked when i play the part

"you shouldn't bite the hand that feeds you" then you shouldn't have had a hand as warm, impersonal and unpredictable as the meals you saw fit you give me. how was i supposed to know the difference.

not supposed to be on the table but she looks so polite

Bro floor dreams hit different. Like you sleep in your bed or on a couch that's one thing. But floor dreams? Buckle in baby

In this dream I was driving with my husband on the interstate and as driving in dreams goes I can't reach the goddamn pedals. So this makes for a slippery time of course and at some point I end up rear ending the car in front of us going full speed because I'm in the back seat trying to steer the car (???). We survive of course but end up fleeing the scene because SWAT shows up and tries to take us in.

Aside from the fact that it doesn't make sense that SWAT is handling a traffic stop, we end up going to prison. But it's not just any prison. I end up getting sentenced to work in a childcare center, but my husband got the short end of the stick. Because he ends up in the Crimson Bucket.

The US Navy takes my husband to the middle of the ocean via helicopter, and a massive, reddish structure rises from the waves. It's made up of hundreds of cells that are kinda shaped like cassette tapes, and these launch from the structure to receive prisoners or whatever. So they deposit him in one of these cassette-cells and it reattaches to the main structure and the whole thing sinks beneath the waves again. This dystopian, maximum security black ops site straight up swallows my husband forever like a kraken.

And as it sinks into the depts, I hear someone say in a rueful tone, "The Crimson Bucket. You go in, then you go under. And there's no re-winding."

I woke up in a cold sweat after that with that phrase echoing in my mind

vampires have been drinking human blood for centuries they don't give a fuck about guys on eight different antidepressants. they were sucking on asbestos factory workers

The absolutely hilarity of imagining some older vampires hectoring younger ones. “Back in my day, I had to drink blood with radium in it and I liked it! We glowed in the damn dark for weeks!”

[sits up suddenly in a cold sweat] what if my corpse doesn't rot

It will not bloom new flowers.

dude. don't say that.

Not to be a Boomer but your social media should be your own space, not something employers are allowed to look at to judge you beyond the qualifications stated in your resume and cover letter

The other day my work had us take a social media survey about what social media platforms we’d be comfortable posting about our products on and I selected “I don’t use social media” before immediately coming over to Tumblr to dunk on them

guy who makes a spreadsheet to figure out if his crush likes him back

the slenderman mysteries (2017) - nick redfern

"collect my pages"

collect my blackout poetry

ibid

"target audience reached"

Hello, today is my birthday, and I would like to share a comic I made in the last year with you. It's called Broomistega and Thrinaxodon.

This comic was originally printed with yellow, fluorescent pink, light teal, and violet risograph inks. Physical copies are available in my shop.

Handle with care

god I fucking love strawberries

ooghhh ohgg stummy hurty too many strawberries

With God as my witness, if this gets 10k notes I will add Strawberry to my legal name

Strawberry as a name would suit you, methinks

LET'S GO OP

God fucking dammit

NICE

OK what's our 100k stretch goal

And at last, the Archivist looks up.