I think I’m circling in on the reasons why my father treats his aging and health the way he does. (He basically is ignoring any health problems and he has also really throttled back on interacting with people. He rarely wants to leave his house, he avoids family and he has stopped doing things that he used to do. He also is not moving forward on lots of issues that are increasingly necessary, like getting his house re-stuccoed.)
I read an advice column in the Washington Post about an Asian mother who lied to her American-born children about having cancer and how angry and betrayed they feel by this. The columnist said one sentence that struck me: “She tried to control and maintain your perception of her and her reality.”
I think my father is still just in denial about aging. He doesn’t want things to change and he doesn’t want his own body to change. My brother told me the other day that he (my father) refuses to go to a bar they used to visit because he wants to lose weight (this is not a man that anyone would consider overweight. He’s put on a few middle age man pounds, but really not much). But he also won’t go to the gym or exercise at home — and he has a body that responds early and well to exercise. Basically he’s just not doing anything except sulking.
I think a BIG part of all of this is he was forced to stop drinking about 18 months ago. And my dad is an alcoholic. So another thing that has become apparent to me is that he used alcohol to make him feel comfortable in pretty much every single social interaction outside of work. I now see a lot of social anxiety that the alcohol was masking. It makes me so sad for him.
My fear is that he’s so avoidant of managing his health that he’ll either 1) die early of something preventable or 2) have a massive stroke and will become physically dependent on my brother and I. I really really really want to avoid that second scenario — sorry if that seems callous but I can’t think of much worse than spending years managing my ornery father in a wheelchair. He claims he has long-term care insurance but I don’t trust him.
ANYWAY, does anyone know of any resources like books that are for children of aging parents? I have plenty about getting medical power of attorney and logistics, but I mean more the psychology of it. I think that’s what I need to navigate this situation with him.
