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@paratactician / paratactician.tumblr.com

the Master of Balliol has a solemn duty to stamp out unnatural mice

Adventure Log: ARE YOU NOT EDUTAINED

There was no Adventure Log last week because I spent the entire week ploughing through a huge pile of essays. As compensation, this week I have hired a professional. Sit back and relax as urbanAnchorite and I take you on a tour of the early-90s edutainment software ‘scene’, a scene which turns out to have had a greater influence on both of us than previously suspected.

Below the cut: Granny’s Garden, Winnie the Pooh in the Hundred Acre Wood, L: A Mathemagical Adventure, Stickybear Math Town, Hazard/Rescue, Treasure Mountain!, and a couple of runners-up.

Adventure Log: Fallen London (browser-based, 2009-)

Now, when I were a lad, all of this was fields, you could still get a pint of beer for £1, and Fallen London was still called Echo Bazaar.

When you made an Echo Bazaar account, you hooked it up to your Twitter. Then, when you took actions in the game, you had the option of letting the game post a Tweet – a tiny snippet of narrative, summarising whatever it was you’d just achieved. This was called an ‘echo’. So if you had friends on Twitter who were playing the game, every so often you’d see something like:

This is an excitingly risky reproductive strategy (for the game, not the player), because it’s balancing intrigue against irritation. If people get sick of #ebz Tweets sprouting all over their timeline like mushrooms, it’s going to actively prejudice them against the game – so you have to hope that, before irritation sets in, they’ll have been sufficiently tantalised to click on a link and get ensnared.

I was using Twitter in 2011, and several of my friends were playing Echo Bazaar. I could very easily have developed a Pavlovian antipathy to the very words ‘London’, ‘bats’, and ‘delicious’. And, honestly, if you’d tried to elevator-pitch me on the whole concept, I’d have wrinkled my nose. ‘A dark and hilarious Gothic underworld’? Dear God, it sounds whimsical. I bet it’s got flippy-floppy skellingtons like a Tim Burton movie, and the kind of arch, pallid humour that used to characterise about 70% of fandom’s Rose Lalonde dialogue. I bet everyone wears hats.

But I was curious. I clicked a link. Three years later, I was using Echo Bazaar (now hight Fallen London) to plan my wedding.

Adventure Log: Theme Hospital (PC, 1997)

Of all the games I’ve never finished – a long and humiliating list – I’m not sure there’s one I’ve started quite so many times as Theme Hospital.

Theme Hospital is a game where you build and run a hospital. You win a level by amassing a sufficiently high score across several different categories: total funds, number of people cured, etc. Then you get a letter from the Ministry of Health encouraging you to move on to a new challenge, i.e. opening a brand new hospital in a new town (and thereby starting a new level). Most of the crucial scores can be accumulated by making a decent hospital and then keeping it functional for long enough. People cured, for example: you can’t uncure someone, so even if you’re only curing ten people a year, you will still inevitably end up meeting the requirement.

The sticker is a score called Reputation. Reputation can go down as well as up – if you cause a public health disaster, for example – and it can also just stay put: if you’re running a perfectly ordinary hospital that’s not collapsing but also isn’t distinguishing itself, your Reputation is going to hover in more or less the same place, no matter how long you play. In other words, you can’t drag up your Reputation just by treading water and being patient.

This is the first of many useful life lessons that Theme Hospital has taught me.

Adventure Log: Unreal Tournament (PC, 1999)

Like Spelunky, I don't know why I started playing Unreal Tournament. I must have been about fifteen, and I remember discussing it with some of my friends at secondary school, so maybe one of them convinced me to try it out. Again like Spelunky, it's not a kind of game I'm normally drawn to. I've played a few first-person shooters in my time – it was kind of hard to be a young man in the 2000s and not end up playing first-person shooters, since GoldenEye and Halo were both so fundamental to adolescent male social interaction – but it's always a genre I've enjoyed with friends in the same room, rather than as a solo pursuit. (To this day, I think the closest I've ever come to playing and completing a solo FPS is with the Mass Effect games, which are party RPGs clad in a very thin FPS veneer.)

UT, though, I played all by myself, and not even against strangers on the Internet. I have never once entered a UT match against another human being. I played UT exclusively against robots.

Adventure Log: Shadowrun Returns trilogy (PC, 2013-15)

There’s a bit in one issue of Sandman where Lucien, the Librarian of Dream, is giving the reader a tour of his library – which contains every book ever written. He comments that he’s even got your books. What’s that? You haven’t written any books? Yes you have, here’s one: The Bestselling Romantic Spy Thriller I used to think about on the bus that would sell a billion copies and mean I’d never have to work again.

I never actually had that book. Everyone has a novel in them, but I’ve never found mine. (My romantic spy thriller did very well and I’m proud of it, but here I am, still working.) What I did absolutely have, for years and years, was the bestselling video game that I used to think about on the bus that would sell etc. etc.

And oh, that game! What a masterpiece it was. A party-based RPG, with a strong narrative, characters you could care about, a flexible build system so you could be the kind of PC you enjoy being, big dramatic set-piece battles, and – crucially – grid combat. No dull JRPG auto-fights where you hammer the boss with your strongest spells for eighty turns until he finally switches to his second form and becomes immune to poison; no irritating real-time-with-pause compromises where you queue up a bunch of brilliant manoeuvres, hit space, and watch your party completely fail to execute any of them. Real, proper, granular, transparent, beautiful grid combat. Tank holds the bottleneck while the mage charges something cataclysmic in cover and the rogue patiently circles to the higher ground, and you know when you’re in range because there’s a bunch of fucking squares on the floor that tell you so. Exquisite. Oh, this is my stop.

Then it turned out someone had actually made that game, and it was called Shadowrun Returns.

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THE REALM OF MISDOING—Cackling with glee while observing the turmoil brought about by his consternating ways, enchanted goblin Grumblethor the Mischievous—creator of the world’s chaos and confusion—revealed Wednesday that he is pleased with the mayhem his magical antics have wrought upon White House–FBI relations. “Look at the halfwits in Washington as they fall under my bewitching spell, sniping at each other like the hapless fools they are—Oh, it has all been so devilishly simple!” said the Lord of Mischief and Mayhem, peering into his smoke-filled Globe of Deceit with visible delight as resentful tweets appeared from Andrew McCabe, Donald Trump, John O. Brennan, and James Comey, among others. “Soon, I will befuddle the dunces in the Supreme Court into posting Facebook statuses about their anger toward Congress, and so Grumblethor’s diabolical plans will come to fruition! Fye-dee-dee, dum-dee-dee, another triumph for rascally me!” At press time, Grumblethor was seen cantering in joy through his Cavern of Disorder after a minion brought word that millions of Americans believed that a “deep state” in the government pulled levers behind the scenes.

Adventure Log: Spelunky (PC, 2013)

I started playing Spelunky – the ‘enhanced edition’, not the lo-fi original – in March 2014, during the last Oxford vacation I ever spent at my childhood home in Birmingham. I don’t know why I bought it. It was cheap in a sale on GOG, but even so, it’s a famously hard platformer and I am famously bad at platformers. I never honed those nerves and thews on Mario. I miss jumps; I get stressed. I think I lasted half a level in Meat Boy. I ought to have bounced off Spelunky after my first handful of deaths.

Instead, I got hooked. I’d play it a few times (which doesn’t take very long; early in one’s Spelunky career surviving for five minutes is a significant achievement) and then decide it was too hard and not for me. The next day I’d fire it up again, wondering if I’d somehow magically got better at it overnight. This lasted for the rest of the vacation, until I went back to work and lost all my free time again.

an experiment

It says in my About page - I know, because I put it there - that I sometimes write long-form stuff about video games. That is more technically than wholeheartedly true, at the moment. I’ve done it, like... five times, in as many years.

I’m going to try doing it a bit more, and see what happens. It’s good for me to write things that aren’t just for work. I don’t know whether I’ll be able to sustain it, or whether I’ll manage two or three rambles and then give up, and one rule I’ll establish right now is that if I do give up I’m not going to feel guilty about it. This is not a commitment, and I’m not going to treat it like one. I have quite enough of those fuckers to be going along with.

But: tomorrow I shall try to post something I’ve written about a video game. In about a week I shall try and post something else. Beyond that lies only mystery. I will, concurrently, resume a drip-feed of reblogging stuff I like, either on a queue system or at my ineffable whim: this is likely to be pretty similar to the stuff I was reblogging before I dropped off the Internet back in November, i.e. nice photos and anything beginning ‘I trained a neural network to generate...’

‘Do you know, Crenshawe, I think that blighter paraTactician has disappeared off the Internet for g - ’

SURPRISE!! That is not dead that can eternally provide thirst-quenching refreshment on the go

uA and I have been locked in a structurally unsound and weirdly tiny pyramid for the last six months working on our books, but hers has, on balance, turned out a lot more fun. Let’s run the numbers:

HERS: - bone magic - swordfighting - lightless crypts - gay

MINE: - no bone magic - very limited swordfighting - I do actually propose a rather neat emendation at line 264 - Martin Litchfield West read the draft and died almost immediately afterward

For real though: I venture that no-one on Earth except Taz is quite so familiar with the morbid intricacies of Gideon the Ninth as I am, because I’ve been married to it for the last year, and therefore no-one is in a better position to tell you that it’s really, really good and you’re going to enjoy it when it lands in late 2019. There are scenes in this thing where she got me over to look at them and said ‘Do you think this bit works?’ and I said ‘Fuck!!’. And I’ve been picking holes in her writing since 2011, so I am no longer very easy to impress.

This book is sort of like if Utena had been made by Evanescence, sort of like if The Last Jedi had actually followed the plot of the Mountain Goats’ ‘The Ultimate Jedi Who Wastes All the Other Jedi and Eats Their Bones’, sort of like if Temperance Brennan had gone to Hope’s Peak Academy, and sort of like everything else Taz writes, i.e. funny and horrible. If you’ve enjoyed her past stuff, you have a treat in store. Unfortunately the treat is bones

'No Ordinary Sunday' (Jon Stallworthy)

No ordinary Sunday. First the light Falling dead through dormitory windows blind With fog; and then, at breakfast, every plate Stained with the small, red cotton flower; and no Sixpence for pocket-money. Greatcoats, lined By the right, marched from their pegs, with slow Poppy fires smouldering in one lapel To light us through the fallen cloud. Behind That handkerchief sobbed the quick Sunday bell.

A granite cross, the school field underfoot, Inaudible prayers, hymn-sheets that stirred Too loudly in the hand. When hymns ran out, Silence, like silt, lay round so wide and deep It seemed that winter held its breath. We heard Only the river talking in its sleep: Until the bugler flexed his lips, and sound Cutting the fog cleanly like a bird, Circled and sang out over the bandaged ground.

Then, low-voiced, the headmaster called the roll Of those who could not answer; every name Suffixed with honour - ‘double first’, ‘kept goal For Cambridge’ - and a death - in Spitfires, tanks, And ships torpedoed. At his call there came Through the mist blond heroes in broad ranks With rainbows struggling on their chests. Ahead Of us, in strict step, as we idled home Marched the formations of the towering dead.

November again, and the bugles blown In a tropical Holy Trinity, The heroes today stand further off, grown Smaller but distinct. They flash no medals, keep No ranks: through Last Post and Reveille Their chins loll on their chests, like birds asleep. Only when the long, last note ascends Upon the wings of kites, some two or three Look up: and have the faces of my friends.