When trans women are mocked and made into jokes in the media, I get very upset, and I am often told “Kay, you can’t go through life getting offended every time someone makes a joke.” And I sputter and object but they don’t hear me. So I want to be clear for once, about why the jokes make me angry.

I learned to hate myself for being transgender before I knew I was transgender. I laughed at the jokes in stand up comedy routines, and prime time sitcoms, and animated comedy shows, and in the movies, and in books, and in games, laughing at trans women for existing, about “men in dresses”, about people who “got their dicks chopped off”, and I learned to think that was worthy of ridicule.

And then a day came when I felt a pang of envy at what my female classmates were wearing and I repressed it, and felt guilty, and a day where I felt incomplete because I had no breasts and I repressed it and I felt disgusting And a day when I realized the only images of romance that made me feel anything showed two women together and I repressed it and I felt like a monster And a day when I realized I felt sick when I looked at myself in the mirror after every shower before work and couldn’t bear to look at my own face, and I hated myself. And then there came a day when I hated myself so much, and I thought I could never understand why, and so I just wanted it all to end. And it was just a miracle that I swerved my car back into my lane in time.

And all of it started with a joke that I heard on TV, and then kept hearing from all the voices from the ether, over and over and over, worming an idea into my mind before I was old enough to realize I was absorbing it, the idea that a man in a dress is funny, and that changing your body parts makes you a freak, and that women who have penises instead of vaginas are liars and hurt men. And they’re still making these jokes. And somewhere out there right now, just like all those years ago, there is a little girl in a t-shirt and cargo shorts with buzzed off hair watching the TV, hearing that joke and absorbing it without knowing it, who will someday have to pry herself apart to tear it out of her head, just like I did.

That is, if she doesn’t kill herself first.

Unpopular opinion

Okay, I’m not a fan of Miley, and I’m all for Nicki standing up for herself against a perceived threat, but did y’all even read the interview?

Nicki’s tweets:

Miley’s interview:

She’s not wrong. When you make something about yourself, it has much less impact than if you make it about an entire group of people. “There’s girls everywhere with this body type.”

The only problematic thing she actually said was this:

Which, by the way, is also not wrong. Nicki is a boss ass bitch, and sometimes that means being perceived as rude. But sometimes it also means derailing the point you were trying to make in the first place.

And y’all not even talking about Taylor Swift’s involvement in all of this. Probably because she’s your resident fave.

Nicki is also the only female rapper to ever win six BET Hip-Hop Artist of the Year awards six years in a row, so, you know, maybe she’s a little more pissed about not winning this particular award rather than not being able to represent girls who don’t have slim bodies.

And personally? If someone had called me a bitch on national television, I would have torn them a new asshole. But no one’s talking about how Miley handled it: “We’re all in this industry. We all do interviews. We all know how they manipulate. Nicki, congratulations.”

Miley doesn’t deserve the hate she’s getting, and I think somewhere inside, you all know that.

But then again:

This post is wrong on multiple levels.

First, EVERYONE talked about Taylor Swift’s involvement in this. It was the biggest thing in the news for awhile, and it was a huge. There were tons of op-eds about Taylor and her ignorance in butting in and making the conversation about her, as well, from major news networks. I don’t know where you were during that huge hoopla, but it was everywhere on tumblr when it was unfolding.

But guess what? Taylor Swift, unlike Miley Cyrus, apologized. She and Nicki Minaj made up. They were friends to begin with and although Taylor Swift fucked up majorly, she said sorry and they emerged as friends again. To act as if people are just randomly attacking Miley Cyrus and not Taylor Swift, ignoring that people did fiercely criticize Taylor Swift and that she apologized, shows that you have not been following what’s been happening,

Also, you are only quoting isolated excerpts from the interview with Miley Cyrus. I will quote in full the conversation she had with the interviewer about Nicki Minaj. I also think you are minimizing what Miley Cyrus said and the nature of her attack on Nicki Minaj:

Please note that at first she didn’t attack Nicki Minaj and actually said Taylor Swift “butted in,” but notice how fast she changes her tune when the interviewer suggests she, as a white artist, might have been implicated in Nicki Minaj’s statements:

This is literally classic tone policing. “I’m okay with your message, but not the way your delivered it.”

Then Miley Cyrus continues ranting.

This is a character assassination. Miley Cyrus isn’t claiming that what Nicki Minaj said wasn’t polite or kind in the moment, it’s that Nicki Minaj herself is not kind or polite as a person, something that you would know about her character if you are acquainted with her. That is an attack on Nicki Minaj’s character. It’s also ironic that Miley Cyrus later claimed the press pits stars against each other when she’s called out for criticizing Nicki Minaj, but here she blamed Nicki for the way the press framed the conversation between Taylor and Nicki, even though the two made up and even though Nicki Minaj herself spoke out against the press making it a beef between Taylor Swift and her. Even though Nicki Minaj specifically said she never attacked Taylor Swift and that it was a misunderstanding.

Miley also omits the fact that Nicki Minaj never mentioned Taylor Swift in her tweets. Taylor Swift is the one who made it about her. Notice, Miley seemed to imply that in the beginning when she said Nicki Minaj said white women were awarded and Taylor Swift “butted in,” but as I said before, she changes her story, or reveals her true opinion, when the interviewer implies Miley could be implicated in Nicki’s statements about white pop artists.

This is the last thing Miley says on the matter:

Throughout her comments, Miley Cyrus continually acts as if she knows the situation better than Nicki Minaj, as if she, a white woman, knows the proper way to address racism in the media and is claiming Nicki Minaj didn’t go about it the right way. She even goes further and says “MTV didn’t do it on purpose,” which also emphasizes her ignorance about racism since she doesn’t even get the basic idea that much of systemic racism isn’t intentional. All of this is made richer by the fact Miley Cyrus has a long track record of racism, especially against Black women, through her appropriation of Black culture. She even used the term m*mmy during the awards ceremony, which I have noticed defenders of Miley Cyrus ignore.

The irony of this situation is that Miley claims the press “spun” what she said, but the interviewer actually tried to stop Miley Cyrus. Notice the interviewer continued to try to correct her and explain that Miley Cyrus was wrong, but she kept ranting right over the interviewer. Also, note that Miley Cyrus already admitted earlier that she “didn’t follow it” and didn’t know much about what happened, which I think is clear from what she said, but then she rants on and on as if she’s an expert and knew the situation better than Nicki Minaj does.

The very least you can say about the situation is that it’s a VERY bad case of foot in mouth where Miley Cyrus spoke with way too much authority about things she should have stayed quiet on, and that an interviewer sort of baited her into revealing more about how ignorant, egotistical and racist she was. But still. The fuck up was hers. She’s the one who came for Nicki Minaj. She’s the one who criticized Nicki Minaj’s character; tone policed Nicki; framed Nicki in a misleading and bad light; blamed Nicki for the press distorting her message; implied Nicki was egotistical and short-sighted; and implied she herself, a white woman, knew better than Nicki how to address the issue of racism.

Nicki Minaj is totally in the right to call Miley Cyrus out on this. Miley should have STFU’d and kept her nose out of things that aren’t her business and don’t concern her. The fuck up was Miley’s and Miley’s alone, and Nicki Minaj has so far done nothing wrong. Twice, white female celebrities have fucked up completely when Nicki Minaj made a general statement about racism in the media, by butting in and making it about themselves, allowing the media to turn it into a feud. Twice, people have blamed Nicki Minaj for this happening.

The difference between Swift and Cyrus, is the former apologized and made amends with Nicki. The latter has, as per usual, not done anything of the kind, and in fact, when called out by Nicki for it, completely deflected responsibility for her actions by blaming the media.

Another thing I noticed is the media and you keep highlighting Nicki Minaj’s anger and cussing, but omitting Miley Cyrus’. This is what you claim she said:

This is what she actually said:

She cussed twice, using swear words that are censored on national television. She might have tried to act casual, but it’s obvious she was being snarky, sarcastic and barbed in her response. Look at the full video of their interaction: Miley continually looked in Nicki Minaj’s direction when she talked about “losers” in awards ceremony and clearly directed her comments at Nicki Minaj when she talked about losing awards not “being a big deal” and people “getting over it.” Which again: she’s turning the issue into losing an award instead of being about race and body image in the media. She claims Nicki Minaj made it about that, when really, the media and now Miley Cyrus are making it about that.

So yeah. The only way you can defend Miley Cyrus is if you distort the actual reality of this conflict and censor what she actually said and completely ignore the context around what Nicki Minaj said.

The real problem here, in my opinion, is that someone spent so much precious time and energy writing this screed dissecting the words and motivations of pop stars.