blue

I am thankful beyond words. You beautiful kindred spirit, I wish you all the beauty and happiness in life. Thank you for the prayers, truly.

i lost my husband - in whom ive found my first ever home, feeling of safety, complete trust and saw for the very first time in my life not blankness, but a clear picture of the future the end of december. i was always one for solitude, never let anyone near me before him, with him i was perfectly comfortable in solitude. that day i have died too, with a heart still beating

thank you so much for checking up on me sweetheart. i am holding on… quite literally, hanging by a thread. my living conditions are terrible but it comes nowhere as horrid as my state of mind is. i will be perfectly honest, if i wasnt emotionally manipulated by relatives who cease to even talk to me at all, other than asking every couple of days about whether i am still alive, i would be without a doubt gone now. truthfully… i wish i could be that selfish, because even though i am trying to take everything day by day - or say, minute by minute.. it is an endless amd constant bleeding heart that knowing myself, is never going to heal - how could it? i am trying. i am trying, when i can get myself to it, i make some art or read, write, film or watch a movie; things that i have loved in the past bring no joy, not even comfort to me anymore. i long for something that can never be, the only thing i am afraid of it - my brain will not be able to take this much terror anymore and i will develop a mental illness in which not only am i harmful for myself but for others as well - the simple thought gives me shivers. thank you again for your caring, it really means so much / and you can definitely contact me off of anon, i am glad to talk to you - when i come online. much much love to you, i hope you have a sweet whatever time of day it is where ur at <3

Hello!! Gosh, i have so many asks like this… i would not like to lie so i can not say i am remotely alright in any way - physically and mentally i am at my ultimate breaking point. i got myself ‘back’ after a lifetime of praying not to have to go through another day - about 22 i quit drugs completely (benzos no, not in this lifetime, ive been on that shit since age 12 and i was born a child anxiety ridden, any memory i have from the earliest days of my, they are me thinking in the corner of a nursery - oh god, mother wont come for me because of a traffic accident or such. or father will not come, because he keeps to his promise of /hanging/ himself, all my life even in the calmer times, i found something to worry about, all my mights restless. ive healed all my childhood trauma, the r*pes from my addict years, the loss of many and general not having foumd a reason to ever see a future in front of me. before i met my love again, he has secretly loved me and wrote me poems lettered to me from the age of 16’ 2016, after us meeting twice doing dr*gs together - i asked if i could sit by his table for it was the only one without more people. i have always been comfortable living in solitude, i got to be in my head, filming, reading, in my bed sedated a lot of the time, walking around on my own, being lonely i got to fall in love with from childhood, every meeting has made me a little bit anxious before and a lot has left me completely drained afterwards. solitude and silence are beautiful gifts of life, if you can learn to be good in your own company. MEDITATE A L0T! it will be difficult for the first couple times but keep doing it, it will be the most rewarding thing. David Lynch has a wonderful very sweet and brilliant interview about transcendal meditation on youtube, pretty sure you can still find it. i never let anyone get close to me partly due to my previous traumas, partly something from my childhiid that made me look at love as a burden, something id never want on anyone. back to your question…. ive been doing the best i have in my life, cant say i was happy, because later on i did for the first time experience happiness with him, definitely a feeling unfamiliar before, so i will say i found comfort in artworks, music, film, forest walks etc alone.

he randomly messaged me after many years of not talking (he was very hurt by me not returning his feelings, but first, he was 16 at the time and me two years older, so it couldnt even cross into my mind, and i have never played with peoples feelings before, if we cant be, i will say even if its hurtful at the time, i wouldnt wish heartbreak from fake love on anyone.)

before him i never even had a boyfriend, my tiny group of irl close friends, a lot of the times i wouldnt even accept hugs from (for a long time i wasnt comfortable with human touch) them, - last august he messaged me asking if i could help him out with anxiety meds, as he knew i was on meds and i messaged back saying i will help with it only because i knew he also desperately needed and had had a long time benzo problem. this is how we,ve met for the first time. we spent the whole day talking, i even stayed for the night (i was able to sleep in his huge bed next to a then complete stranger i had talked to in detail for only half a day. it was his energies and mine, nothing between us has ever happened by accident. i swear writing about our first weeks together puts me up the clouds when i think back. every single sentence, every morbid joke we shared, every movement and conversation has stuck in my head for this life - and i have a tragically horrible memory (in the past ive had brain haemorrhages from overdoses on amph*tamines (gross.) ptsd, not feeding my brain with good or any kind of fats, eh, erased a lot of things too. our little time we shared lives so vividly in my brain. i think about it and sob whilst i smile. turned out, he bought me an engagememt the next day after i left. he proposed to me after two weeks of being together - oh the panic i constantly was in as (two weeks? i start worrying about an exam a year beforehand) and more so he had some very dark dark thoughts and opinions. (sometime later he told me, late after ive said yes to the proposal, that he was prepared for a refusal and was planning out a suicide, he was hard to believe my yes but he was like a little puppy afterwards, and his happiness gave me the utmost joy - whilst i was already in a much healthier mental state when we met, he was extremely depressed and the search for meaning of existing in human forms he never got to find - before me, as he told his best friend me learning this after he passed.

i was smiling all the time, even during my anxiety attacks.)

his biggest dream other than a career in music was to have a wife, have a family. a healthy and loving one. we agreed on everything, we never had a fight or am argument even, under the course of the year and the half this cruel god gave us.) he wanted the wedding too, after a few months only, the only time we argued was when i asked please to wait a little bit as we get to meet each other more and how living together will be. still, we got married in March. it was very small, very hurried, no family members of mine attended.

*his mind was truly sick, even sicker than i had thought prior to his death. he was extremely depressed and hurt from an early age and i guess he was dissociating so much, that he created different identities for him that truly lived inside of him (he called and thought it to be demonic possession. he was dangerous at time, being on a very high scale of diagnosed ASPD, but with time from the infatuation he started to love. i taught him feelings he never had felt before and was in such awe. and he taught me to accept the love given. it was beautiful seeing him go from a complete nihilist and h. addict grow into a person that, quoting from a writing written of us this september by him “ would gladly live a thousand more years of his sorrowful, distressed life spending it with simply being with natalia”. his last few months he was a completely different person, a beautiful soul that would not only love to receive but to give also, and not to me exclusively other than himself. he thought himself to be the devil but he was just a truly lost and broken angel with vile thoughts that wouldnt leave him rest.

i made many many compromises so we could be together, all of my saved up money we have lived up too, he had to be fed and his social anxiety wouldnt let him work - i was happy i could feed him from my previous art sales and above all, we spent almost every single day in isolation together. complete solitude together!!!! a beautiful almost made up way of life in my head. after very little time i didnt even want to spend a few hours at least alone, first, because he always craved my company, even at the times i would read etc, then i just started missing him too after a few hours spent in different rooms. so we lived in his “ our “ living room and were as happy as i ever could (not even) have imagined - poor, drug free, but together. for the first time in my life i had a place i could call HOME, at 25 yo, and so did he. for the first time in my life i had a feeling of total safety and not constant terror of something random happening. whenever he held my times, i was in ecstasy. i was not familiar with the feeling of healing human touch before. him holding my hands felt like taking 500 pieces of xanax or clonazepam for the very first time. it felt better.

i could have known everything was too beautiful to be true…. he did give me some hard times, but i dont even like to think of them or mention in any kind of detail, because god, we are talking of a broken soul with on a high spectrum of ASPD lowering and lowering by the day beside me, how could i ever be angry, i never felt anger only sadness whenever something bad happened in life. now he truly is the angel i always felt putting my ice cold hand on his terribly warm heart.

all the things that happened in the course of less than a year and a half 97% spent in the same flat is the most blissful memoir of my life. i have tasted happiness and for the first time in my life had a future drawing out before me, both of us, and then he went.

this home is now a shelter, an extremely painful reminder of our life that never got to be - the day he went we had a conversation about when to have kids, what film to see the following day. i have been in complete-psychosis the following weeks, i am still unsure of time, i just remember it being december 22 morning, everything to come since feels like a lifetime of terror. the worst i have ever felt in my life, the most helpless, never in my life have i been in so much pain. you know, there are things, if you are strong enough (it takes a lot but most people can, try!) as i had been before…you do not want to recover from. i do not ever want to be ok with him never coming back “home”, not seeing me smile at a quirky remark of mine, not being able to accidentally step on his shoes when he tries to grab me, never holding his hand again. it is absurd, brutal, unfathomable.

the reason i am still here writing in tears, is the reason i am being constantly told i cannot leave this world, i must suffer every second of what is to remain, the people, family, who have not talked to me in years and who say nothing to me other than being angry its hard for me to even breathe - i wake up with my whole body trembling and my left hand has gotten completely numb for the first time in my life one day waking up from a nightmare. i dont dare to sleep because if i am able to fall asleep, the dreams i remember vividly and they follow me around the entire day, shit like the only way for redemption of the people chained down is by killing myself, waking up to repeating a mantra to myself ‘suicide is only a temporary lapse of judgement so it can be forgiven.’ 4-5 hours need to pass after waking up (after taking meds and kratom) for me to be able to stop the sobbing and shaking. sometimes i throw up in the morning even from the knowledge, that pair of grey eyes is not to look back at me when i open my eyes. the greatest feeling ive had in my life. sleeping holding hands with him.

i cant say i have any want at all to continue living and suffering incredibly, other than the emotional blackmail of how i would be missed and me feeling extremely bad about it, the only thing keeping him back is having his other than being wed, dream come true: to become an acknowledged musician. even thought i wrote lyrics for him and i shot his music videos (in one take too…., he hated that i was a perfectionist wanting to finish every shot picture by picture if it was about his music vids).

i could not help him achieve that in this little time, and so my only reason left, if i can do anything at all, is to start making music on my own, i kind of started writing (everything is extremely hard. i live in the flat he passed away in, surrounded by everything of our life gone, no heating or hot water (im freezing) - i dont have money left as ive been paying for food and neccessities and heating etc mostly from my savings and i promised not to step foot again in my ‘blood family’s home thanks to my father - iwas taken there for a couple days after he went (maybe a week or two even, time is not real for me anymore) before he did something i can never look into his eyes again. hes done all the harm in the world, but after this, i know he has seen the last of me.

if i wanted to start getting better….. and the things is, i truly am hesitant as to whether i do or not do try and get somewhat better than this, because for now, i dont even have an idea where i am going to be living from march on with no money, WAITING ON HIM, getting sicker and sicker physically and mentally by the day. the truth is, as ive said, this is not something i can recover from, i never was a happy child, or a person in my life before him, and to think even of having someone else for him is sickening, the simple idea is repulsive to me.

i dont know. i dont.

(i am extremely happy i used up maybe 400 gbs of memory to film him, our talks, him singing and playing the guitar, still wish i had more. i cant look back at them or listen to his music still, i am in a constant breakdown all the time already still, and the days that pass, day are making life harder and harder to bear. i will be honest, if i am not emotionally manipulated by ppl into keeping me alive when i had lost EVERYTHING in my life …i am dead in a heartbeat.)

the entire fateful and fatal story would make the most heart-wrenching tragic love drama, but i have capacity for nothing, resources for nothing, BELIEF in nothing.

thank you so much for the many questions of my wellbeing, i am terribly sorry to have to tell you every minute is spent in agony, solitude that once was a safety blanket i could hide behind has now become horrifying. i pray for a very early death and i am so sorry to say that. before that, i have to force myself to make as much art as possible, start singing writing my scripts etc but the only reason i would go on to be able to do these things if i had the basic neccessities even (heating, rent, food, equipment, a laptop to write, edit etc on) it is impossible to see a future in front of me…… what once was our bed for my meditation has now become his gravestone to put my head onto his gravestone every day i visit the basement of the church they put him. instead of holding his always hot hands, i try and sleep holding his tiny box of ice cold ashes in my hand. i cant see a future and they wont let me die. sorry for the brutal honesty. much love. please take care of others <3

i dont know if i can carry on. being honest, i truly dont want to. half my heart and soul is already buried, how could one ever live with this knowledge? his dreams of becoming famous with his music and art are the only reason i still try and do anything at all.. i started singing by myself, i wrote 60 pages or so in 4days. I dont have enough medication and i know i need to get out of here asap if i want to live - i know iwill not and .. would not allow myself to live along life, but whilst im still here i want to make him proud. I wake up and the first three hours is just nonstop sobbing, whole entire body trembling, i dont want to go on… i would need to go somewhere, far far away, as soon as i can but all my funds basically i have spent on our living expenses- i am very glad looking back he didnt have a job and mine was just online art sales, we had all the time together in that year and the half that was given.. ❤️ thank you so much for caring