so much blood, given to the docs, for tests, only to find out everything is normal
I’m thankful but still my insides feel swollen
the anticonvulsants gather so much extra weight on my midsection, and my appetite sucks, barely a handful of food leaves me gasping for air I’m so full internally
seizure activity is as always, lost in a stupor of petit mals and memory loss
there’s an EEG scheduled for next week, no coffee for 24hrs beforehand and, they want me sleep deprived, 4 or less hours, which would be manageable with my mania turned back on, if off my meds I go
guess I feel out the moment as per usual
then GI tests and eventually an ultrasound, which weirdly enough I feel guilty being a man taking the doctor away from watching over babies still cooking in the oven, probably shouldn’t feel guilty, lotsa people need their guts looked at
neurologist reschedule puts it out till spoopy season, way out to October, she wants a skin biopsy done first, still chasing auto immune stuff as root cause for shorted circuts
nobody listens to my opinion though, I’m just the test subject, people have books to write, just be a good abnormal case study, let them run their tests
western world can’t comprehend Kundalini Syndrome, and I’m a fool, no teacher here, I just stumble, no explainable steps forward, I just am smart enough to smile and enjoy the trip on the way through
“That’s how you know you love someone, I guess, when you can’t experience anything without wishing the other person were there to see it, too.”
— Kaui Hart Hemmings
“You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him find it within himself.”
— Galileo
“The world gives you so much pain and here you are making gold out of it — there is nothing purer than that.”
— Rupi Kaur, Milk and Honey
Go read Adam Smith ‘Wealth of Nations” to understand how capitalism was supposed to work
“Sometimes I keep my feelings to myself because it’s hard for someone else to understand them.”
— Unknown
finally starting to feel better.
had the worst 48 hrs a day or so ago. general phantoms of pain, nerves gripped and crunched in neck and shoulders, appearing then disappearing, appearing then disappearing, coupled with a solar plexus seizure, the moon was not good to me, but the teacher I needed, like always, constantly thoughts raced, typical hallucinations turned to strobing rapidly instead of the gentle lazy river. it felt as if there were a dozen daggers drove deep into my solar plexus, the medications didn’t help, so I had to take the emergency strength meds, that were able to knock me out in short blasts, only to wake back up into the sickness of being, pass out then wake, pass out then wake.
so much shifting that the additional sea sickness swept in swiftly, eventually waking from heavy antihistamine dose only to vomit again and again, soundly like I was yelling up yak.
then more naps, finally stable enough to get more meds down, still overwhelmed by visions of variable velocity, “if only they’d slow down, this would be easier”, i whimpered again and again to my wife.
the majority of the next day still lost to a sickness like a bad trip on organic psychedelics, bloated still despite wrenching, shaking, suffering shoulders and screaming nerves in neck never-ending, finally able to eat around dinner, with the help of delta gummies destroying last of sick.
the moon whispered wildly wonderful wicked into my head like a fog horn, now as rest returns, a month or so ahead of fantastical flashbacks of visions vast and fast and too intense to realize in the moment of now.
this is my usual, but never monotonous.