If my boss emailed me in space while paying HIS debt saying my wife's cooking is mid as hell, I'd just crash the ship and kill myself

I had a dream that Joe Biden addressed the nation wearing a Miko robe like a Shinto priestess. He was also visibly 8 months pregnant. He didn't talk about that until the press asked him about it, to which he replied "I bear the child of a great spirit" as if that was like, something mildly inconvenient like getting stuck in traffic.

Laika how did you make this that fast

Who do you think gave you the dream

Day old chicks are so funny, they just fall asleep so easily

youll have to excuse them... it is very tiring to be small and tiny

david tennants so funny to me cuz  hes like. a very private and quiet person. and all characters they call him to do are like mr slutty mcthot

David Tennant can do three things, be a detective, a serial killer, or wear very tight pants

i always think the venn diagram is Slut, Sad Dad, and Serial Killer.

Change my mind

for the love of all that is good in the world, someone needs to do that completely feral welshman next

michael sheens venn diagram is a circle labelled Slut

i didn’t think this could get better but then it did

Image ID: yellow bumper sticker that says "horn if you're honky" in all capital black block letters

Pero buatefack

You idiot. We could have been... us.

Good Omens (2019 - ) // Our Flag Means death (2022 -)

the new dj crazytimes song … now that’s what I call music!

you don't like mourning dove? hwoo hoo hoo hoo?

No fuck off. Dale gribble is a loving kind man who openly accepts his father for being gay. Dale gribble is a good man who has some crazy ideas but very few are actively harmful to others and he would never vote for trump ever. He would absolutely believe (and be correct) that trumps Fandom is a cult. Fuck this post.

they told you it’s cleaner to wax your pussy raw remove its natural barrier completely fucking up your follicles and risking damaging your skin permanently and then they told you it’s sexy to wear polyester underwear that doesn’t let air through creating the perfect environment for all sorts of bacteria to proliferate in and also goes IN your ass creating a direct channel from your anus to your bald defenceless pussy and you believed it. you believed it

i never know how explicit to make the sex scenes in my books. do i placate the ppl who think that saying the word ‘cock’ is basically porn or do i write for my fellow degenerates who want all the horny details

*taps sign*

u know what ur so right

When i had breast reduction surgery, i got into the OR and got put on this table that looked like a flat crucifix (arms out so they could get to the girls), and i said ‘god, don’t nail me down’

they put the mask on my face and the nurse said ‘no jesus treatment today’

and the last thing i said to her was ‘jesus with some big ass titties’ and then passed out. 

Post complete. We can all go home now

i am absolutely mesmerized by shrek 1 on xbox what on earth is this energy it's putrid

Turns out the potassium nitrate I had as fertilizer for algae to feed my slut isn't fucking a nitrate salt at all and I am pissed

I think a slut needs a more varied diet than just algae?

This is the worst typo in the world

unbreakable warriors bond

love how this implies they’re meeting in the afterlife