Me: Waiting for the eventual Black Noir and Soldier Boy fight scene.
Me a little later:
I love tumblr. I love that tumblr is the best social media site of 2021.
Every other site has spent the last decade perfecting the art of targeted ads. I am a wallet of flesh and blood which must be stripped bare and profiled and picked apart for the maximally efficient way to squeeze profit from my presence. Every other site will fold and morph itself to a shape of my liking - like a fairy tale trickster stealing memories and taking their mold - to lull me into compliance and loosen my coin purse.
Facebook sees me searching fitness equipment and injects my timeline with athletic wear ads. Reddit profiles the subreddits I follow and eagerly promotes a new coding bootcamp or cloud service at every turn. Google overhears me lamenting over my moving to-do list on voice call and fills in my “how much to tip movers” query before I’ve gotten the third word typed out.
Tumblr never even tried.
They could have. The information is there. The basic infrastructure, presumably, exists. Tumblr can recommend me tags based on tags I follow, blogs based on blogs I follow, even posts that for one reason or another may strike my fancy. Tumblr could be - SHOULD be - funneling this framework into advertising, as the only means that free-to-use social media platforms can turn a profit in our capitalistic hellscape.
They just don’t.
Today I saw an ad for treating Hyperhidrosis - a condition, I think, in which a person sweats too much - and I saw it twice, four posts apart, and it is so incredibly benignly impersonally ineptly untargeted toward me compared to all other pinpoint-aimed advertising that I’m endeared to it. Tumblr knows NOTHING about me. 8 years, 51,000 likes, and tumblr has not learned a THING about me.
Advertisements for a mattress? Shitty mobile game ads that don’t make even the slightest pretense at being anything other than a candy crush rip-off? Choose-your-own adventure games either about Royal Espionage or Choosing The Wrong Dress For Your Date with ZERO in-between.
And then this. This here. The culmination, the crown-jewel of tumblr’s nihilistic non-compliance with the state of social media advertising. Any pretense of capitalistic exchange is abandoned at the gas station by the side of the road. This is not a company. This is not a product. This is not anything that fulfills the contract of consumer and seller.
THIS. THIS IS WHAT TUMBLR HAS TO OFFER INSTEAD.
“Pour vinegar on your bread, fuck you.”
“Put it in the garbage, fuck you.”
“Your wife says you’re a fucking dumbass, fuck you.”
That’s it. That’s the advertisement. You vinegar-breadless cuck. You virgin extraordinaire bereft of bread and garbage can. I am fucking your wife right now in our vinegar-soaked motel bed. She puffs a cigarette which I pulled from the trashcan and we both laugh heartily at her recounts of your immasculine ineptitude. I don’t want your money. I don’t want anything from you. Fuck you.
Amazing. Amazing. What a state of things to ring in 2021. What a great platform we all collectively choose to be on.
I started screenshotting my favorite ads
Just fucking take a bite out of your soap you piece of shit. Sleep with it and eat it
I don’t even know what this is trying to sell me. Tumblr doesn’t either. The ad doesn’t know either. Did I click on the link? Fucking absolutely. I think it was broken
Beautiful a+ 10/10
A compilation of my favorites:
Hi listen I know I’m OP but I’m losing my fucking mind over this.
Truly, this is what tumblr is about.
how come everyone else is getting benign dada, and i’m getting bottom of the chumbox clickbait like, at the absolute best, “remember him? he’s dead now”, usually with the names of celebrities i don’t like
@vassraptor, are you sure tumblr isn’t offering you a bespoke assassination service?
I can’t believe this got to 20k notes. Is there something about this that resonates with people on some level?
To be totally fair to Willy Wonka, at least a couple of those candy factory casualties involved kids deliberately circumventing reasonable safeguards, sometimes aided and abetted by the parents who were supposed to be supervising them. What happened is at most 60% his fault.
oompa loompa doopity dare
the court finds you breached your duty of care
oompa loompa doopity disk
that’s what the courts call assumption of risk
oompa loompa doopity do
only a partial judgment for you
thes3nator
Oompa loompa doopity doubt,
The rest of the class action lawsuit is hereby…
(SLAM) (SLAM)
THROWNITY OUT!
Fun fact an actual lawyer has gone through this on Youtube
When your hamster shoves an entire stick of zucchini in his cheek and then goes about his day. 🤣
everything in life is bad. takes a shower. washes off the gunk. oh. oh it was the gunk again.
does hatsune miku qualify as a fictional character or is she real. like it's different from, say, gorillaz, cause her entire thing is that she's a robot/computer program/what have you, and also she isn't an alter ego for one specific artist. so by being canonically digital in her lore and also the same thing in real life i don't think she is fictional. my point is when you play games that feature her she is actually talking to you like you are conversing face to face with the actual real hatsune miku and not just her likeness
this is the money garf. reblog for untold pasta and riches to come your way