It's almost been a year

I can't believe that it's almost been a year since his death. I am so glad that I end things when I did. I am a better person for it . I loved him but in a toxic way that wasn't good for either of us.

I don’t know how many days

Dear Jacob, Its time for me to move on with my life. I have gotten on dating apps and I am going out again. I feel no guilt goingout anymore. you used to get mad at me for going out with my girls and that wasn’t healthy. I am happier than I have been in a long time. I know that me saying that can be seen as selfish but I dont care. I loved you and your daugther loved you. You left her behind and that is the one thing that will always make me mad about your death. Good luck in heaven

35 Days

Dear jacob.. I miss you. i wish youwere here 

33 days Since you left this world

Dear Jacob, today i got my period two weeks early which made today a shitty day lol. I miss you like crazy still. I went to barnes and noble yesterday and that place just reminded me of you especially the romance section and the clearance dvds. You used to look at romance novels with me and try to find me new books to read. The dvd section was where we found little treasures. I wish you could be here still. For evers especially. She deserved to know her dad and grow up wtih you in her life. I think i will always be a little mad that you left her behind. She is and was a good kid. She was your spitting image. I love you.  

32 Days since you Left this world

Dear Jacob,it is officially 2023. I can’t believe it. Last night was kind of a bummer because the bar we went to didn’t have a lot of people and also they did karkoke till midnight and those songs and singers were not good. lol. I got drunk. I also made myself puke. My sisters got me a blowup doll as a gag. He got more action last night then all of us. I miss you and wished you could have been there to the new year with me but you made your decision. It’s time for me to move on and start loving myself more. you’ll always have a piece of my heart. I’m ready to start going to the gym and eating better. I also am gonna start doing a night or two a week where I spend it watching shows and movies I like or reading one of my many books. I am strong, smart and beautiful

31 days without you.

Dear Jacob, it’s officially been a full month since you left this world. It’s alsobeen a month since I found out you committed suicide. I can’t believe that it’s been a month already it feels like just yesterday you were here driving us around and listening to my terrible singing lol. I saw a van that looked like yours today and it made my heart stop for a moment. I saw it right after my therapy session so I am gonna take it as a sign from you that I am on the right path. Therapy was good. I told my therapist that I didn’t want to be medicated with prescription drugs. The drugs made me feel like I was spectating my own life which I hated. This past month has changed me alot. I told my therapist that I feel like I am 21 going on 32. I am changing as a person and I don’t know if it’s for the worse or better yet. I still miss ya alot and in March I will be releasing balloons with notes in them to say goodbye to you and to celebrate your first heavenly birthday since I didn’t get to go to your funeral because of your family which sucked but I think this is the better way to say goodbye for me. New Year’s eve is soon and I can’t believe I won’t be spending it with you like we planned but I will be spending it with my family which is hopefully going to be good. I know that on that night I will be thinking of you and will have a shot of tequila in your honor. Tequila was your favorite and I want to honor your memory since you won’t be there and won’t know the wonders and trials of 2023.I hope that you are at peace and that heaven is beautiful. Love ya 

Sincerely 

Cate

30 Days since you left this world

Dear Jacob, It’s been almost a month since you passed away. I can’t believe that it has been that long since you were still in this world. I made it through a month without you here. Now I just have the rest of my life to go my love. It’s a beautiful day. the sun is shining and the sky is blue finally. The sun is a welcome sight after the past couple days of snow and wind. It’s still super cold but I am not complaining. I reorganized my books today.  A little change to help with the grief. I also cleaned my bedroom completely. Now I just need to keep it that way lol. Any way I am gonna spend the day reading and enjoying the sunshine. love ya 

27 days since You left this world

Dear Jacob, Merry Christmas babe. Today was an okay day. we opened gifts yesterday with the whole family except for Ev. The roads were still a little bad so she didn’t come. I got two shirts, a candle,two stickers, perfume, a cocktail coloring book which I love and some hand soap. Oh also a polar bear ice pack. I missed you a lot yesterday but I made it through with grace and charm lol. I am gonna watch the twilight saga tonight and maybe take a bubble bath. I hope heaven is treating you well. Love ya.

24 days since You left this world

Dear Jacob, it’s been nearly a month since you passed away. I can’t believe it. Time has a flew by. Work has been busy like always. The weather here has been terrible. We will be in a blizzard warning tomorrow which is scary because I have to go into work in that but I’ll make it. Now time for the deep shit. I have moments where all I can do is think about you and all our memories of us like how I will never get to feel your arms around me again. I miss your hugs the most. I keep wanting to message you and have you come over just to hold me till I fall asleep but I can’t and I have to live with that which sucks ass but hey I got this right. Christmas is in four days and I can’t believe that you won’t be with me to celebrate it. I found the prefect gift to give you a couple days ago.. It broke my heart when I found it because you’re not here to receive it. I know I haven’t been journaling but it’s hard when I come home from working nine hours then having to do housework. I got to bed at 9 pm most nights. For a few days there I was waking up at 3:30 am on the dot. I wonder if that was you sending me a message. I miss you so much. I’m trying to take care of myself but it’s hard. This grief is going to be with me for the rest of my life and that scares me a little bit but it’s something that happens in life and I am coming to accept that. I’m still unmedicated which both a good and bad thing I guess. Good because I still feel like myself albeit the new version of myself. Grief altars the human body and soul in ways no one can expect. It’s a bad thing because there are days where I am on the verge of a mental breakdown I feel. I almost had a panic attack at work the other day and the only way I could pull myself away from the void is by telling me myself that I don’t need to be a shaking ketchup packet ( I was on my period). Thursdays have been hard for because on those days I have this feeling that I need to be doing something since it was our date night. I loved our date nights for the most part. My favorite one was the one where we went to the marina lodge and we shared our food then went to walmart and the sky decided to down pour. Haha We were soaked but I loved it. Another favorite memory of us is when we played we aren’t really strangers. It was like our third date and you took me to that spot and I thought we were going to get stuck lol. We didn’t thank god. I wore my light green dress with the floral print. You made me feel so beautiful. Thank you for always being there for me babe. You made those six months some of the best in my life. I really wish you would tell me why you did this. you had so many people who loved and cared for you. Was evers not enough for you ? It still breaks my heart that she won’t get to grow up with you in her life. She loved you so much. You were her dad and she knew it. She was your mini me but a girl lol. You both have those big hazel eyes that suck me in and make me never want to see tears in them. I’m so sad that I won’t get to look into your eyes again and see that sparkle in them. Jacob I’m sorry that I broke up with you the way I did. We were having some issues and I couldn’t take it anymore. I needed space to do my thing and figure out my life. you said to me why couldn’t I do that while still with you ? and to be honest it’s because I always put you before myself and stopped taking care of my mental health so I could take care of yours and that was destroying me. the way you treated me that night was the last straw. I had to break my own heart to do that. You saying that I used you was an awful thing for you to say to me. When you said that I felt betrayed and deeply hurt. Why would you think that ? I would never. Your actions that night set in stone that we weren’t working out as a couple and that we weren’t good for each other. you’ll always have a piece of my heart. Hope you’re happy where ever you are. 

12 days Since you left  this world

Dear Jacob, I miss you like crazy. I wish you were still here so I could call you and hear your voice. I listened to a voicemail you sent me on July 15th just to hear it again. I wish you left me more voicemails. I started cleaning my bedroom and I couldn’t help but cry because you used to help me with it. It doesn’t help that I am listening to sad music but I need a good cry because it’s the second Thursday without you here. Thursday were our date night and I think they will be the hardest day of the week for me for a while. You were good to me is playing right now and you were good to me. You really tried to be there for me and I really do appreciate that so much. I wish I could have showed that appreciation more but I can’t and I am at peace with that because I know next time I open my heart to a man he is going to have a lot to live up to because of you babe. I sang songs to you tonight. I imagined you were here. You used to love my singing. You always would stare at me with that sparkle in your eye when I would sing to you in the van. I will always cherish those memories. I hope if I get dementia that the memories of our times together are the last to go. I don’t want to forget you because you were honestly my one I think. We might have had our differences but we always tried to make it work until I couldn’t take the fact you become controlling of my life because I gave you that power and I shouldn’t have. I wish I could get a hug from you right now. Your hugs always made me feel loved and warm on the inside. I’ve been colder than normal and I think it’s because I am grieving your death. I hope that one day I can feel warm again but I know that won’t happen for a while.  On a lighter note, work was good. I’m back in the groove of things which is great. It only took one day. My coworkers are so nice. I work overtime tomorrow but I am okay with that. I love you dork. Hope heaven i awesome. 

11 Days Since You left this world

Dear Jacob, today I finally went back to work. I got back in the saddle. I started the day with my period tho which was very much shaking my fist at the universe moment. The work day started shaky. I was so anxious that I forgot my badge and safety glasses. I almost had a panic attack but pulled myself away from the edge. After lunch, it got better. I was so happy. I had a meeting with HR which went good. My lead was a bitch today but I managed it. Lol Im finally listening to music again. I also found a podcast about grief which is great and helping a lot. On a sadder note, I couldn’t stop thinking about evers and how she will never know you and the wonderful person you were. You were so good with her. She really loved you.  I miss you like crazy. I really hope that you are at peace. I love you

10 days Since You Left this World

Dear Jacob, I’ve been sick from the meds. It sucks. I’m gonna stop taking them my doctor said i could. I’m tired and still have a headache. My stomach is feeling a little better but that’s about it. The journal Lyndsey ordered me came today. I’m start using it to see if it helps. Not much has changed in my life. just taking it day by day moment by moment. I did the dishes finally. I’m proud of myself. anyway I love you babe.  

8 days Since You Left this World

Dear Jacob, I can't sleep and i also cant stop thinking about you. Tonight is one of those nights I wish you were still here so I could call you. I wish I could be held by you right now because I know I would fall asleep immediately. The meds also are making me nauseous which is normal because my body has to get used to them but it still sucks baby. I miss you so much it hurts. How's heaven treating you ? I wish I could have gotten one last hug and one last kiss but that won't happen so I have to take a deep breath and remember that you are no longer in pain and that you are probably happy as heck right and that makes me smile. I still love you so much Jacob. I just want to curl up in your arms right now and never leave let you leave but you're gone. I love ya babe

7 Days since You Left This World

Dear Jacob, I am awake extra early because my stomach got upset and I got diarrhea. I think it's from the meds. Ughh. I miss you like crazy. I can't believe that a week passed already but here we are. I haven't taken my meds yet because I am going to try taking them at night to see if that will help with the side effects. I think I am going to wait to go back to work till Wednesday. Just to take some time to get used to the side effects of the meds. last night was the first night I didn't dream about you which made me sad but also happy because I really hope you have found peace and that you are hanging out with your grandma and that you met my aunt in heaven. I know she probably is gave you hard time when you first got there to heaven. She is a funny lady and always was there for me. lacey and many other kids who become her kiddos. She was the person who always had good advice, a bed for you to sleep in when you were weary and good pb&js. Lindsey leaves today which is going to be a little hard but I know I can always call her or coco if I need. I have a great support system my love. Love you always babe.