cast fat people in normal roles that do not revolve around being fat/ridiculed, I dare you

Everyone may *think* they hate country music, but when Jolene, Before He Cheats, Take Me Home Country Roads, or Life is a Highway comes on, everyone is suddenly a liar.

This is Sweet Caroline erasure

depression: who would ever love you?

me: 

10 Times Retrievers Proved They Are The Best Dogs Ever

#1 Fascinated Retrievers

#2 Capturing Unexpected Moments Sometimes Turn Out To Be The Most Memorable Of All

#3 When You Get Buried In Snow But Your Dog Is A Retriever

#4 This Briefcase Contains Important Lab Results

#5 Hi There

#6 This Golden Retriever Has A Black Birthmark On The Left Side Of His Face

#7 Little Guy Fell Asleep In A Basket With His Golden Retriever Puppies

#8 More Peanut Butter!

#9 I’m Pretty Sure Wally Thinks He’s A Cat

#10 This Is Ralph. It’s His First Time Out In Public. 11/10 Good Boy

Wahoo, hiya everyone! It’s-a me, Luigi!

Now, I need to-a talk about something serious. People are-a living their lives in a sad, sad way. They don’t think that they’re-a number one! They think they’re-a number-a one billion! Oh no!

So if you’re-a reading this, I want you to know that Luigi loves you very much. You’re-a gonna do some-a great things, you know! You? You number one! Live life to-a the fullest! You’re-a great, friend!

why am I genuinely happy that Luigi cares about me

Well I-a do! I care for you and-a everyone! You’re number one, my friend! You! Are! Number! Oneeeeeee!!!

One of the funniest things I ever experienced was when I went to go see John Mulaney live, and halfway through a bit about how expensive college in the States is, he looked down at the sleeve of his suit jacket and just. stopped. dead halt, mid sentence.

And after like three seconds, where we’re all trying to figure out the punchline because the story clearly hadn’t ended, and John Mulaney quietly says, “Has there been tinfoil on my buttons the whole goddamn show?”

He’d taken his suit to the drycleaner, and they’d wrapped the buttons on the sleeves and the coat with tinfoil to protect them, and John Mulaney didn’t notice until half-way through his set, and was SO FLABBERGASTED that he never did finish the story about college and instead did five minutes on how stupid it was that his buttons were reflecting the light and he just didn’t notice, and in that moment I understood more about John Mulaney as a person than I ever have.

during one of his portland shows, he noticed this like 7 year old girl in the front row and asked her (and her parents) if she ‘is aware that she is physically here right now’ or if she was just brought along. turns out her favorite john mulaney bit is the “and I’m new in town” bit and that she’s seen all his stuff. He was so shocked and discomforted by the fact a SEVEN YEAR OLD has seen his shows, that he couldn’t get through a bit about donating to charity without interrupting himself at least three times to import good life lessons on this small child, as if that makes up for all the horrible things he’s said that she heard

When I saw him in Ft. Lauderdale, there was a bar in the lobby that people kept leaving to go to. At one point, a guy in the front row just got up and BOOKED IT to get drinks. John Mulaney looked over at a woman who was next to the empty seat and asked, “Are you with him? What’s his name?”

She was, in fact, with him, and she did tell him her date’s name. John Mulaney considered this, looked around, and unplugged his microphone. Leaning in to us, he told us that we were going to trick this guy so fuckin hard. He said, “At some point during the show, I am going to stop and say, ‘Well, you guys know what they say here in Ft. Lauderdale,’ and then you guys are all going to scream back ‘WE LOVE MILKSHAKES!’ He’ll be so confused.”

He then continued on with the show as normal, the drinks guy returned to his seat, and that was that for quite a long time. We thought he had forgotten about it until, at some point during what I believe was his McDonald’s drive-thru bit, he shrugged his shoulders and said, “You guys know what they say here in Ft. Lauderdale…”

Naturally, we erupted with “WE LOVE MILKSHAKES” and John Mulaney SWUNG around to face the drinks guy and said, “I bet you’re real confused now, huh, JASON?!”

ah so john mulaney is a chaotic neutral cryptid

i saw him last night and there was a good ten minute interlude where a woman told him everything she found wrong with his suit, including that his pants were too high waisted to which he replied “that’s where my hips are” and someone in the back shouted “look at that high waisted man he’s got feminine hips!” and he yelled back “that’s my joke! i’m offended!!”

political argument

person a: solve problems! help people! we need to be better

person b: you can’t legally enforce being kind! everyone has the right to be terrible

Item: Double-Wands of Worm-Summoning

I just want to live in a little stone cottage in the mountains that’s so overtaken with plants that it’s unrecognizable as a house until you get close to it and have a small little flock of sheep and some ducks and a couple of giant dogs to keep me warm and I’ll make natural medicinal remedies that I’ll take to town every so often with my big dogs following me so people are intimidated but also oddly comforted and eventually I’ll just become a local cryptid

There he goes

armoured ferret

Omg

what is this???

is he ok

no

Why don’t we get more women written in the “lovable asshole” character type

because people call them “bitches”

the fact that a cat considers “sit in the same room ignoring each other” to be an acceptable social activity and not an insult is great for me because that’s how i like to socialise

Weak Trope: Having a character’s driving motivation be REVENGE up until the last second when they pull the “revenge won’t bring my wife/sister/town/three-eared dog back” and leave the bastard they’ve been hunting down alive.

Strong Trope: Hello! My Name! Is Inigo Montoya! You Killed My Father! Prepare! TO! DIE! *corners count rugen* Beg for your life *slashes cheek* Offer me anything I want in the world!  *slashes other cheek* I WANT MY FATHER BACK, YOU SON OF A BITCH. *stabs count rugen to death*