also another post bc I’m in a mood. don’t promote being sad all the time!!! @ all my friends back home, if you feel that way, I’m v sorry and I’m here for u, but don’t normalize it!! look for help, reach out to people, find coping mechanisms, but thriving off of being sad is super unhealthy and really toxic!! and also like… trying to promote your friends being sad with you is really weird and upsetting. I love my friends, I would never want to make them feel really sad so we can all “relate”. Like what??

— (via bl-ossomed)

Abusers don’t come with warning labels.  Abusers don’t hit you on the first date. They don’t write “I will humiliate and belittle you” on their Tinder profiles. They don’t wear “I break things to intimidate my partner” t-shirts. People don’t get trapped in damaging relationships because they saw an abuser coming from 20 yards away and decided “I’m going to date that person anyway”. That’s not how any of this works.  In the beginning, abusers can be some of the most thoughtful, attentive people you’ll ever meet. They’re obsessed with you; that’s what makes them so toxic and deadly as time goes on. Abusers buy you flowers. They remember your birthday. They remember to text you “good morning” and “good night”. They listen to your problems, confide in you and share silly inside jokes. They can keep that “loving, doting partner and best friend” mask in place for months or years if they have to.  So the first time they scream at you or hit you, you don’t see an abuser. You see your best friend, your confidante, the person who brought you soup when you were sick and always laughs at your stories about your nutty coworker. You tell yourself they just had a bad day. Maybe they were tired, sick, hungry, or under a lot of stress. You know them. You’ve made a life with them. And they’re so sorry and so ashamed of what they did. This isn’t who they are.  And so things go back to back to normal for a while. Wonderful, even. This is still one of the best relationships you’ve ever been in, even counting that one incident. You go back to date nights, cozy nights in and 5-hour-long conversations that feel effortless. And then it happens again.  And you still don’t see an abuser. You see the person who means the most to you in the whole world. You decide that maybe they’re just struggling. Maybe they have mental health issues. They’ve told you every horrible thing that’s ever happened to them as a child, and maybe it has something to do with that. But either way, they’re not an abuser. Not yet. They’re just a person who needs you more than ever.  Then things are good for a while. Then something bad happens. Then it’s good again. Then it’s bad. Good. Bad. Good. Bad. And every time it happens, it gets a little harder to get out. The time you’ve invested in the relationship goes up, and your self-esteem goes down. By the time you realize that, yes, the person you thought you knew is an Abuser with a capital A, you’re in deep. You’re a frog that stood in a pot of water so long it turned you into soup before you even noticed it was getting a little warm. But you didn’t ask for this. And you certainly didn’t know it was coming.  We have this image in our heads of what abusers must look like. We picture brawny men with low foreheads and stained white tank tops, screaming at their wives while they drink beer in front of the TV. We think they’re like wildlife, as if we could spot them with the help of a guidebook and know to stay far away from them. But they’re not. Abusers can be anyone. They can be female. They can be accomplished. They can be well-groomed. Queer. Politically far-left. Politically far-right. Artists. Athletic. Charitable. Intelligent. They can come from any walk of life, any spot on the gender spectrum, any religion, any background. It’s not the abused person’s fault for not spotting them - they can’t always be spotted. It’s the abuser’s fault for abusing. 

The most damaging thing is not their words. It is not the yelling, the hitting, the explosive outbursts. It’s the fact that they make you accountable for all of it. You don’t know it yet, but you’re their anchor. You have to predict THEIR mood swings, you have to soothe THEIR anger, you’re the one to console them and tell them it’s okay, you’re the the therapist, the confidant, the rock. Every irrational outburst falls on you. It’s not only your fault, but it’s up to you to absolve it. Tell them it’s okay, you forgive them, you still love them, no you’re not a bad parent you just made a mistake. Then it happens again and again and again. And you just have to take it, because you know if you voice any opposition, have any objection to the way you’re being treated, it’s going to be twisted around and now you’re doing it to hurt them. You don’t understand. You’re ungrateful. Selfish. You don’t see everything they do for you. Eventually it doesn’t bother you anymore because it’s rehearsed- you can predict what will happen. It’s easier to go quiet, let the light fade and recede away to where they can’t hurt you. Every hug and act of generosity starts to get tallied in your head because you no longer see it as affection, but an exchange. You don’t trust that any of it is genuine. You never relax. You expend a tremendous amount of unrecognized energy looking for signs- a sharp sigh. The silverware being put down too loudly. A sudden change in tone. You grow up to be remarkably perceptive because you’ve been trained your whole life to be so out of necessity.

What They Don’t Tell You

•Even after you cut someone toxic/abusive out of your life, they drain you

•They get to walk away and pretend like it didn’t happen, while you’re left to pick up the pieces

•Sometimes they’ll play victim, try to garner all the sympathy and attention even though you know they have no right

•Sometimes they’ll take a fake high road, accuse you of lying and say they did nothing wrong, that you hurt them, and pretend that they’re better

•Some won’t take no for an answer

•They’ll do anything to put the blame on you. To make you seem like the villain or the monster

•Most will hurt someone again. And the hardest part is accepting that it won’t be your fault

•You’ll feel a void in your life where they were. You might miss them. That’s normal.

•You have to relearn so many things. What actual healthy love/friendships/relationships are

•You need to learn to trust again, to see the world as more then its darkness

•You’ll think you’re faking it sometimes. Even if others believe you, the what if will always creep up

•You need support. No one can do this alone

•Healing isn’t linear. It has its ups and its downs. Some vary day to day

•Just because you have a bad day doesn’t mean you’re regressing

•Everyone heals differently, but there will always be a scar

•Somethings may never be the same for you, somethings will trigger you. And that’s ok

•Nothing you did caused this. You didn’t deserve it. You didn’t do anything. THEY chose to hurt YOU.

•Some abusers might have loved you, and it’s hard to accept that. Remember that this is toxic, unhealthy love

•You don’t have to forgive them. But you also don’t have to never forgive. Whatever helps you heal is what you need to do

•You may lose more people then just the one. Whether it’s people who support them, won’t support you, people you now see differently, etc. That’s ok

•You get to choose whose in your life

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Characteristics of the Narcissist.

These characteristics apply to males and females

1. Self-centered. His/Her needs are paramount.

2. No remorse for mistakes or misdeeds.

3. Unreliable, undependable.

4. Does not care about the consequences of their actions.

5. Projects faults on to others. High blaming behavior; never their fault.

6. Little if any conscience.

7. Insensitive to needs and feelings of others.

8. Has a good front (persona) to impress and exploit others.

9. Low stress tolerance. Easy to anger and rage.

10. People are to be manipulated for their needs.

11. Rationalizes easily. Twists conversation to their gain at other’s expense.  If trapped, keeps talking, changes the subject or gets angry.

12. Pathological lying.

13. Tremendous need to control situations, conversations, others.

14. No real values. Mostly situational.

15. Often perceived as caring and understanding and uses this to manipulate.

16. Angry, mercurial, moods.

17. Uses sex to control

18. Does not share ideas, feelings, emotions.

19. Conversation controller. Must have the first and last word.

20. Is very slow to forgive others. Hangs onto resentment.

21. Secret life. Hides money, friends, activities.

22. Likes annoying others. Likes to create chaos and disrupt for no reason.

23. Moody – switches from nice guy to anger without much provocation.

24. Repeatedly fails to honor financial obligations.

25. Seldom expresses appreciation.

26. Grandiose. Convinced he/she knows more than others and is correct in all he/she does.

27. Lacks ability to see how he/she comes across to others.  Defensive when confronted with his behavior.  Never his/her fault.

28. Can get emotional, tearful. This is about show or frustration rather than sorrow.

29. He/She breaks woman’s or men’s spirits to keep them dependent.

30. Needs threats, intimidations to keep others close to him.

31. Sabotages partner. Wants him/her to be happy only through him/her and to have few or no outside interests and acquaintances.

32. Highly contradictory.

33. Convincing.  Must convince people to side with him/her.

34. Hides his/her real self.  Always “on”

35. Kind only if he/she gets from you what they want.

36. He/She has to be right. He/She has to win. He/She has to look good.

37. He/She announces, not discusses. He/She tells, not asks.

38. Does not discuss openly, has a hidden agenda.

39. Controls money of others but spends freely on himself.

40. Unilateral condition of, “I’m OK and justified so I don’t need to hear your position or ideas”

41. Always feels misunderstood.

42. You feel miserable with this person. This person drains you.

43. Does not listen because they do not care.

44. Their feelings are discussed, not the partners.

45. Is not interested in problem-solving.

46. Very good at reading people, so they can manipulate them.  Sometimes called gaslighting.

Anyways “psycho girlfriend” culture needs to die and ppl need to realise girls can be abusive and they shouldn’t be encouraged.

Infatuation is not love. Manipulation is not love. Self destruction is not love.

minusthenegative.com

— i thought it was love, i thought it was love