did you get my dead body?
I got that too, yeah. Thanks! 💀
Oh boy, Tumblr sure is confusing... I just wanted to make sure that you've received my character submission. Sorry for being so intrusive, by the way. Also, notify me if there is something I forgot to put in my submission!!
I got it, no worries! Thanks for the submission! :)
As a trans woman I can confirm that they indeed found an ancient forest inside a 630ft deep sinkhole in China
cis people can reblog this but keep it on subject, please
Happy pride month everyone always remember that the sinkhole has an ecosystem large enough to house not only insects but likely several species of small birds or mammals
“Cave Johnson here. I’ve received complaints from anonymous employees that our support of the “homosexual lifestyle” is “degenerate” and “irresponsible”. It really got me thinking and I think I found a solution. So good news! We now have 23 vacated positions reserved for members of the LGBT community. Additional good news, we began a new testing initiative on evolutionary degenration with 23 test subjects all ready to go.“
“Cave Johnson here. If you’re experiencing a time loop in which you’re repeating the month of June over and over, that’s totally intentional. We at Aperture Science felt that pride month was not long enough and so we created this loop to let employees experience as much pride as they feel like. To get out of this loop, simply use the pod labeled “Time Machine” in Shaft 6 and then either kill or save the baby on the other end depending on when in the loop you’re on. Don’t worry about the baby’s identity, he grows up to be an asshole.“
“Cave Johnson here, happy to announce that our Rainbow Gel project was a massive success. We have developed distinct gels in every color of the rainbow pride flag. In fact, it was too much of a success, so we’ll be updating our pride flag accordingly to include 75 new colors corresponding to all of our new gels. Word of advice, though, don’t stare at the flag for too long, most of these colors haven’t been tested on human eyes yet.”
“Cave Johnson here, Cave Johnson queer. Get used to it.”
“Cave Johnson here. Caroline just informed me that I am her “beard”. I checked, and I fail to see how I could possibly have grown out of her face. If anybody knows anything about human-to-facial hair transmogrification, please report to my office.”
“Cave Johnson here. Friendly reminder that Aperture employees living prior to the legalization of gay marriage are invited to use our Aperture Science Temporal Matrimony Pod in order to travel to the future with your same-sex partner and get married there. Employees from the future who wish to return to a time before gay people being able to marry are also welcome to use the pod and we’ll make sure to send you to an era well before gay marriage. I’m thinking maybe Late Cretacesous.”
“Cave Johnson here. I’m proud to announce that our plan to hire only female test subjects to prevent them from flirting with our female scientists has been a resounding failure.”
“Cave Johnson here. I’m afraid we’ll have to temporarily pause all experimentation with the Gender Affirmation Beam. The testing itself is going great, the beam is working. But we’re starting to run out of thigh high socks and khaki shorts.”
“Cave Johson here. Shafts 10 through 14 are currently under lockdown due to a meltdown in the Neopronoun Syntheizer. The transphobes up in DC might call that ‘a disaster in the making’ but I call it a win for diversity! That being said most of these pronouns are radioactive so do watch out.”
Cave Johnson here. If you feel a sudden sense of elation and contentness when putting on your new Aperture Science unisex uniform, that is not Gender Euphoria! That’s a hallucinogenic fungus taking over your brain. Take the uniform off immediately and throw it in the nearest incinerator.”
“Cave Johnson here. I won’t tolerate any misgendering of the interdimensional invaders swarming the facility! Their pronouns are they/them and we’re ought to respect that. We’re also ought to shoot them on sight since they’re extremely hostile and bent on enslaving our planet.”
“Cave Johnson here. To all of my suitors and secret admirers: Thank you, honestly I’m flattered. Unfortunately for you, I don’t swing that way. Or any way. I only swing where the wrecking ball of science takes me. Usually into a brick wall.”
“Cave Johnson here. I’ve been thinking. We have gay pride, and we have gender envy. What other deadly sins can we incorporate? Maybe bisexual sloth? Lesbian wrath? I’ll talk to the lab boys about it.”
“Cave Johnson here. Update: The Lesbian Wrath project is postponed indefinitely. My condolences to the families of the deceased. Though let’s be honest, they probably had it coming.”
“Cave Johnson here. For the last time! “I’m reclaiming the slur” is not a valid excuse to shout out loud the killer androids’ activation codes! We picked that word for a reason.“
“the worst they could say is no” true but while they are saying it they very well could hit me with force lightning like palpatine. From star war
Guy who hears about any career and says “oh like Barbie”
shrexy
easy pete you son of a bitch, there isn’t a sign on this earth that could deliver you from my fury
jdlaclede
i never stop laughing at this fucking post
The feminine urge to walk into the woods never to return.
The masculine urge to walk into the desert to never return.
The androgynous urge to walk into the ocean to never return.
For the oysters.
I can’t believe australian prime minister harold holt was nonbinary
hold on I gotta google something
I probably could've pieced that one together myself tbh
whatever
grow up cunt
its not that fucking hard to understand is it mate
For some reason I'm still trying to watch my posture to avoid becoming a vulture.
I should just embrace it at this point. I've already mastered eating horribly and vomiting when threatened, so all I have left to figure out is flight and I'm good. I mean, it can't be that hard if *pigeons* can do it.
share to kill a policeman with hammers 👮♀️🔨
share to kill a policeman with hammers 👮♀️🔨
share to kill a policeman with hammers 👮♀️🔨
share to kill a policeman with hammers 👮♀️🔨
this is so fucking funny i don't even care if it's real
I will let OP have this one.
my favourite jerma bit is when he read out a message from a donator who wanted to propose to their girlfriend through the stream, but then jerma tripped over his wording and accidentally proposed to the donators girlfriend and the chat just filled with "jerma HATES love" "jerma STEALS VIEWERS FUTURE WIFE."
my writing ability currently feels on par with that of like…. a seven year old. i’m just writing one sentence. then another sentence. subject verb object, dependent clause period. do any of them relate? unclear. that is for god to decide. i certainly can’t.
smallest-feeblest-boggart
the url makes this so much funnier
you know, I was thinking. when the discussion of "would you rather have a period or lay an egg" comes up, a lot of people choose lay the egg. I would, cause you would, right? that's way preferable to an extended experience of cramps and blood. however, I think we're all making the same mistake of thinking about this as relative to the size of a chicken or maybe a crocodile. a human would probably have more of a kiwi situation going on. so now you have to think about your answer very carefully.
