three fun and sexy facts about me: 1.) i have a slight fructose intolerance which manifests itself mostly in me getting violently ill whenever i eat garlic. 2.) i have “delayed phased sleep disorder” aka my body wants to sleep during the day and stay up at night. 3. i am extremely sensitive to sunlight and cannot be in direct sunlight for more than like five minutes without getting burned or overheated.

extra bonus fun and sexy fact: the one and only time i stepped foot in a catholic church, someone spilled hot coffee on me and i got a bad burn on my chest and had to leave before the service started

unrelated: i think i might start taking classes to become a phlebotomist 

wait i gotta google something

yeah this is funny

hey everyone its april fools. but dont worry i dont have anything planned. just going to sit here and...

I LIED !!!! GET PRANKED

POST BELOW ME GET FUCKING WET

"Does The Way Christians Use Capitalized He/Him For God Count As A Neopronoun" - the greatest thread in the history of forums, locked by a moderator after 12,239 pages of heated debate,

i went to the boardwalk today and convinced my dear sweet friends to go on the log flume ride and we got into the wet log and trundled up fifty five feet into the air and went about a little wet winding path above the park and then we saw that right before the Big Wet Drop there was stationed a ride employee, up there with us, i assume watching to see that people were secure in their logs before they flumed all the way back down to earth (wetly)

and i, brain off due to Fear of Wet Drop, delighted by sheer surprise, said to this gentleman "hi! do you like your job?"

and he said, pretty nonchalant or perhaps nonplussed,

"No"

and I said "I'm sorry to hear that!" and then hurtled forever out of his life

You know who you are.

Which is great because I don’t.

dont talk to me if you don’t know that this, recruits, is a 20-kilo ferrous slug. Feel the weight! Every five seconds, the main gun of an Everest-class dreadnought accelerates one to 1.3 percent of light speed! It impacts with the force of a 38-kiloton bomb! That is three times the yield of the city buster dropped on Hiroshima back on Earth. That means: Sir Isaac Newton is the deadliest son of a bitch in space. Now! Serviceman Burnside! What is Newton’s First Law?

An object in motion stays in motion Sir!

No credit for partial answers, maggot!

Sir! Unless acted upon by an outside force, sir!

Damn straight! I dare to assume you ignorant jackasses know that space is empty! Once you fire this hunk of metal, it keeps going till it hits something. That can be a ship. Or the planet behind that ship. It might go off into deep space and hit somebody else in ten thousand years! If you pull the trigger on this, you are ruining someone’s day, somewhere and sometime. That is why you check your damn targets! That is why you wait for the computer to give you a damn firing solution! That is why, Serviceman Chung, we do not “eyeball it!” This is a weapon of mass destruction! You are not a cowboy shooting from the hip!

yall with adhd or autism or such ever just get…. bored. like so Painfully bored. like its not “oh hehe i was so bored and i made this” to flex or “oh im so bored bc i have nothing to do” but like a “i am physically incapable of ending this horrible understimulation with any activity i might attempt” and its genuinely fucking painful

Bonus points if you try a bunch of things and none of them are right so you’re just walking a circuit around your place, getting increasingly frustrated about all the things you don’t want to be doing and not being able to settle on a task

Opening and closing the tabs on my computer hoping for the stimulation but getting nothing

friend is explaining me the american healthcare system. WALK IN CLINICS COST MONEY??????

like. walk in. talk to the doctor. they say a solution and maybe perscribe something. that costs money? like i knew ambulence rides and perscriptions and treatments costed money. but just SEEING a doctor too???

cool! i think all politicians and people lobbying for this to die 👍

fuck all romance except for whatever that girl who came back from the dead and that lesbian nun have going on

the cunt who makes my life decisions (me) and the idiot who has to live with them (also me) somehow have diametrically opposed world views how am i supposed to live like this

me sowing: the harvest will be glorious. farmers tremble before my sowing prowess. i'm the king of the hill

me reaping: why the fuck did i sow all this. what the fuck. who let me have all these seeds. why the FUCK do i own a field. what the fuck.

the woobification of mormons by the fallout fandom and its consequences

if you sing an american idiot cover and you refuse to say faggot you’re horrible and boring and lame and i hate you i hate you i hate you.

ok. well maybe i’m the faggot america. you ever thought of that.

lesbian slasher call that a butcher

my favorite emotion is when someone does something kinda foolish and all you can say is “i love you” in response

rip Achilles you would’ve loved hightop sneakers

'thats probably fine' is my favourite thing to say after seeing something that is incredibly obviously not fine. it is very played out and i will never ever stop doing it