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MimiOhSoRandom♥

@officialmimisparkz-blog

I am a weirdo adult child who loves Anime, among other stuff . . . Oh, You don't like anime? ... I don't care 🙅😑 loll

69%

Context: Homebrew sci-fi RPG. Party consists of 2 high-level psionics, (a “dark elf”, and a prudish squidman), an herbikinetic (controls plants), and a low-INT wolfman gunslinger. The system uses percentile dice for skill checks. Our squidman psion repeatedly attempts to do things, but keeps getting 69%. 

First time

Squidman: I use my Telekinesis to crash the ships into eachother. 

Me, DM: Roll it. 

Squidman: *69%* Seriously? 

Rest of the party: KEEP IT! KEEP IT!

Me: *barely keeping it together* Ok…you succeed at crashing the ships into eachother, but you end up twisting them into the shape of a dick. 

Squidman: *rolls his eyes*

Second time

Me: You have acquired a Med-Fab. You take it up to your quarters. 

Squidman: Can I make it portable?

Me: Gimme a INT roll. 

*success*

Me: Alright. You now have a portable Med-Fab. 

Squidman: I wanna make it more powerful! 

Me: Roll it. 

*69%* 

Squidman: *looks at me with a “don’t you do it” look in his eyes*

Rest of the party: *loses it*

Me: *evil grin* You succeed at making it more powerful, but it ends up spewing out condoms and aphrodisiacs. Suffice to say, you are going to be busy for a little while…

Squidman: C'mon…man…

Third time

Me: The captain of a pirate ship hails you, demanding your surrender. 

Squidman: Can I use my psychic abilities to change her mind? 

Me: *considers a bit* Yeah, ok. I’ll allow it. Roll against me. 

Me: *Gets a 69%*

Squidman: *Beats my value with an 85%* Did I do it? 

Me: *chuckles* Yeah, you did. You get on the comms and convince her to stand down instead. In fact, she’s so impressed by your speechcraft, that she wants to have a private meeting with you…

Herbikinetic: You got a 69% didn’t you (my name)? 

Me: YEP! 

Squidman: Oh, for God’s sake! 

“I want to speak to a manager,” the middle-aged woman said in her stern I-used-to-be-a-soccer-mom-ten-years-ago voice, looking down at me over the top of her Gucci reading glasses.

A wicked grin split across my face and the gates of Hell opened up behind me, releasing a gust of hot wind that whipped my apron around my body and forced the woman to shield her face. Demons came forth, dancing around in flames with songs of, “She wants to speak to a manager. Did you hear that? She wants to speak to a manager!” before erupting into earsplitting shrieks of laughter, none louder than my own cackling.

I took in the woman’s look of utter horror before my eyes rolled back into my head and I growled,

“I am the manager.”

a thing for one of my favorite posts on this site

lol