Hello Lonely.. my name is

Hello lonely, 

I felt it's been so long that addressing you was finally due, because i’ve not addressed you, I've just treated you as an elephant cowering in the corner of my room. So Hello my name is Me and i feel you closely each night, each day, and even in a sea of people. I have had emotions that come in waves and pool at my feet like the tides on a summer evening beach trip. But you always seem to be prevalent within those tides.. You control them as the moon. You root yourself within the happiness I feel when I look at those I love and you root yourself within the anger I felt when he said his final goodbye. Sometimes I can pretend that you aren't there lurking in the shadows but at the end of each day I can still feel you creep up my spine and into my heart, my soul, and my brain. So maybe within this letter will finally accept that you've consumed me.. And that I've allowed you to consume me. Because up to this point living on my own is something I’ve refused to do because I hate who I am. 

Sincerely me

Nights like these

I feel good tonight. I am still anxious as fuck with how my short term future looks but Physically.. i feel better tonight. My life has been built for others for a long time and I have shifted and changed my ways to accommodate those around me. It is really hard learning to be selfish and learning what that looks like for me. What does selfish self care look like? Who knows.. But I think it starts with quitting my job and perusing things that bring me joy with the time that will open up. 

- your friend

not done for the night

The fun thing about this website is the lack of people who will se any of this. It is more public than a diary but more private than paper. The final scream for help that I can emit into the world around me. More than two margaritas in when should I worry? When I stop tasting the sting as it goes down?

welcome back to me

I haven't touched this thing since high school but now that i am in college and actually have a reason to be depressed.. I figured now is the most perfect time to connect back to my roots. When I was 13 the world gave me the potential for depression but at 21 it has given me the cold hard reality. After 2 sexual assults, emotional/physical abuse, shitty jobs and the world collapsing. I sit here listening a depression playlist not meant for me... joji is not my generations sadness. No my generation is built of lego houses and skinny love. It is so odd to see how the music of each decate has the influence on the young it does. Slow dancing in the dark doesn't feel the same as therapy (I am a walking travesty). In my head I write this and it is some poetic influential words that someone is going to attach to but in reality.. its just the thoughts of a 21 year old girl 2 margaritas in. 

-your friend