understand

I understand that accomplishments won’t defeat any pain

I know that no euphoria won’t erase any destain

Maybe these acknowledgments keep me sane

I look from within to plow the snow from my lane

Darkness is apart of my human nature, how i understand

The sky is inevitable and the ground is temporary

When i was younger that realization was scary

At 27 the options to expand my mind vary

My demise has me weary, but i know the celebration will be camera worthy

I was never my feats, worried every fall my heart would cease to beat

I don’t know where this leads- i thought of this while soaking in the heat

I hope my happiness repeats, when i sink too deep

I understand—

Victory is the company you keep.

/n(y)oo🦇

Reborn/A song I wish u heard

“Reborn” is the fifth track from “Kids See Ghost” self titled album. The hip hop duo is made up of Kid Cudi & Kanye West. Two long time collaborators with a tumultuous and successfully creative relationship. This relationship that also birthed many memorable songs and albums that would define a generation, also potentially revolutionizing the sound of modern hip hop music. The two giant artist reunite to make a project that buries the hatchet and their demons. Their relationship and their singular journeys that lead them here is something I feel very instrumental to the tone of the project and their song “Reborn” is a beacon of the album that represents it all.

The road begins with the start of Scott Mescudi’s music career. In 2007 Mescudi moved from his hometown Cleveland, OH to New York City. With nothing more than $500 in his pocket, Scott was determined to get his rap career started. He moved in with a long lost uncle and began working at a BAPE store in the city. Legend has it that Mescudi & West would meet at the store accidentally when West set off a security alarm. Mescudi would assist with removing one of the security tags that was left on clothes. This was post Graduation Kanye West where at the time his star was shining the brightest. Nothing came of this exchange but it wouldn’t be the last time their paths would cross.

Scott unleashed A Kid Named Cudi on the world on July of 2008. The tape was acclaimed by the hip hop community. Cudi was praised for his unique rhymes and smooth singing voice that provided a flavor to his music that would lay the blueprint for many sounds to come in the next generation of hip hop. West would soon recruit the young artist to assist with hooks on Jay-Z’s The Blueprint 3 (2009) and later with the helm his upcoming album 808s & Heartbreak, one of West most polarizing and influential pieces of work to date. Cudi contributed to songwriting on many of the albums most memorable tracks such as “Welcome to Heartbreak”, “Heartless”, “RoboCop” & “Paranoid”. At the time 808s did not receive overwhelming acclaim as West past projects but the portrait West had painted was hard to break eye contact with. Kanye’s auto tuned, heartbroken lyrics colliding with 808 beats opened up another dimension of hip hop that would make genre more bulletproof and revolutionary than it was before. Ten years later it is looked at as a turning point in sound.

After a successful musical chemistry West signed Cudi to his label G.O.O.D. Music. After signing Kid Cudi started to create one of his debut if not his best album, Man on the Moon; The End of Day (2009) This album would also become a staple in the evolution of Hip Hop. MOTM came with an intergalactic, psychedelic- warped production that took you out of this world. Along with God like narration from at the time GOOD Music affiliate and Chicago rap legend, Common who guides Cudi and the listener through the album. The lyrical content covered included, depression, anxiety, loneliness and other introspective themes. Kanye would be there for production and writing further extending their creative relationship.

With the births of arguably two hip hop classics, the relationship changed as Cudi developed into his own artist and urban legend. Kanye became more of a musical icon that grew by the project. In the following year they continued to collaborate on hip hop staples such as Man on the Moon II: The Legend of Mr. Rager (2010) & My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy (2010). In these triumphs that started this successful relationship there would be growing pains to muddy the waters. In 2013 Kid Cudi request to depart from G.O.O.D. Music, he recalls it as nothing more than a business decision. At the time Kid Cudi was getting his own label off the ground ‘Wicked Awesome” and preferred to put his creative energy toward its inception. This was difficult for Cudi at first since Kanye has always been a big brother to him. He was afraid of damaging their relationship with his departure. Following him leaving Cudi stated has nothing but love for the label. That same year West’s mind bending album- Yeezus was unleashed that summer, on the track “Guilt Trip” there’s an un-credited vocals by Cudi, which gets praise from fans and critics alike. Unbeknownst to Cudi, he was unaware of this and had mixed feelings of the record. He felt good that he was thought of from his ex collaborator and friend but it disturbed him that Kanye did not reach out. Cudi soon felt the vocals were used to coaxed his fan base for the record instead of calling Cudi in to work on the record like how they used to. This wouldn't stunt their creative relationship entirely, Cudi would assist West in creating his Yeezus 2016 follow up- The Life of Pablo. Creating fan favorites such as “Father Stretch My Hands pt.1” and lending back vocals to the Chance the Rapper arranged track “Waves”. This reunion to the surface shows the two back at the creative relationship that we once knew them for, thus it would open up another rough road in their relationship.  

In late 2016 Cudi went on a Twitter rant seeming to aim at his competition in the hip hop landscape. Calling out self claimed “top five artist” who have writers crafting their hits. At this point in hip hop, Canadian rap superstar, Drake was faced with allegations of having a ghostwriter. This information was exposed by Philadelphia MC Meek Mill during a battle between the two, where a recording of rapper/writer Quentin Miller is referencing key tracks on Drake’s successful 2015 mix-tape If You’re Reading This, It’s Too Late. Cudi went as detailed in his rant where he named Kanye and Drake together claiming he was aiming at them or anyone like them, while giving props to the younger acts he has inspired. West was on tour when these tweets surfaced and decided to respond in classic Ye fashion; ranting while performing on his “Saint Pablo Tour”. West feeling disrespected; claiming to have ‘birthed’ Kid Cudi’s career and sound and being responsible for his influence over today's hip hop.

Though the rift seemed to be a volatile one the collaborators reunite once again on the same stage they started on. In November of that same year Cudi came on stage during West’s Sacramento stop of his tour to perform “Father Stretch My Hands pt.1 and other classics between the two. Following their latest reunion Kanye West had to end his tour prematurely due to his wife Kim Kardashian being robbed in Paris and having nervous breakdown to due exhaustion. West remained out of the public close to a year until the spring of 2018, where he teased five new projects to be released from GOOD Music, one of them being Kids See Ghost which he would label he and Kid Cudi’s collaborative group. The album bloomed in what is being called “The Wyoming Sessions”. West rented out a private ranch in Jackson Hole, Wyoming where he would produce the five albums he teased in the spring. This was a similar tactic West used to make past classic albums such as 808s in Heartbreak and My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy.

Kids See Ghost was released on June 8th, 2018. The albums unleashed a sound of psychedelic-rock style rap music. The album is produced entirely by West with contributions from Kid Cudi, Mike Dean, Justin Vernon, Andre 3000, Plain Pat and others. The lyrical themes throughout the album dealt with depression, isolation, anxiety, redemption and freedom. This type of subject matter was common for Cudi but uncommon from West whom lyrics in the past mostly covered braggadocios claims of his status in hip hop, effects of stardom, also his past relationships and his childhood with his parents. The album’s creative direction positioned the artist in places where each of their strengths help the others weakness. Kanye with his production and vision help give Cudi the space to navigate and flourish as the artist he truly is. Cudi is lyrically creating a safe haven for Ye to express his trials and tribulations that all came in tow in the spring and summer of 2018. Cudi being a master of this realm musically emulates a creative embrace to help guide Kanye through the storm to come out the other side and alive along with cutting edge product for the fans consumption.

The song “Reborn” idealizes that the best. It’s produced by Kid Cudi, Plain Pat & Dot da Genius creating a warm and comforting production accompanied by Cudi’s distinctive and signature humming. If there was a song that felt like it was embracing you close this one would be a shoe in. Cudi opens the song “I’m so- I’m so reborn. I’m moving forward, keep moving forward, keep moving forward.” A mantra that is so simple but so compelling in the environment that ‘Kids See Ghost’ created. Between the two members both have gone through plenty since their last falling out to move forward from. In 2016 after the release of his sixth studio album “Passion, Pain & Demon Slayin” Cudi placed himself into rehab after dealing with severe depression and suicidal urges. In the same year West had to cut his Saint Pablo tour short due to exhaustion, extreme paranoia and depression still reeling from his mother's sudden death in 2007. Following those struggles in 2018 Kanye went on many manic rants that sprung some discouraging quotes such as “Slavery for 400 years?! That almost sounds like a choice!”  In addition showing his support of the controversial 45th president, and sporting a MAGA hat to ensure his support. And with that support came much backlash from the public and fans alike. ‘Reborn’ feels like an emotional baptism, where Cudi and West lay all the cards on the table and come head to head with every demon that haunts them. And by the end of the song they create a sensation of levitation and a relief of freedom from being stripped from what has held them back to feel free to move forward. “Ain’t no stress on me, lord. I’m moving forward, keep moving forward, keep moving forward.” In this song came the best verse Ye laid down on all five albums he released that summer. He exposes most of the elephants in the room and gives answers to most of the trending tribulations he went through.

“Very rarely do you catch me out

Y'all done especially invited guests, me out

Y'all been tellin' jokes that's gon' stress me out

Soon as I walk in, I'm like "Let's be out"

I was off the chain, I was often drained

I was off the meds, I was called insane

What a awesome thing, engulfed in shame

I want all the rain, I want all the pain

I want all the smoke, I want all the blame

Cardio audio, let me jog your brain

Caught in the Audy Home, we was all detained

All of you Mario, it's all a game”

This albums inspires nuances of healing and growth. Both of the members of “Kids See Ghost” have been through their share of trauma, heartache, loss and immense pressure in the respective careers and have made classic hip hop music as an escape. This album becomes the perfect path to redemption and peace for them and anyone experiencing anything similar. I believe art and creation from one's soul can be a remedy for another. Creations can be the cure to help one not feel alone and knowing that there is a light at the end of the tunnel of suffering. This song did that for me personally in one of the hardest times of my life.

The spring of 2018 was a very anxious time for me. Every other person I either knew of or loved closely, I lost due to acts of god and sadly by their own hand. One of those lost ones was my younger sister; Jasmine Alyssa. I remember I was waiting on for a connecting flight to Georgia for her funeral. If there was any trace of hope or innocents in my body before that spring it was all gone by then. “Kids See Ghost” dropped that morning and I gave the album a listen to numb all the sorrow i was drowning in. I managed to do so with the first four songs until “reborn” started to play in my headphones. As the song played through I started bawling uncontrollably. It forced me to come in touch with every emotion I pushed away since the lost of my sister. I was crying not only because I lost her but because she wasn’t alive to hear this message. I knew she was suffering with a lot, some very similar to the artist. Though I know that a simple song can’t solve everything that’s wrong but in my own personal experience I know how powerful music can be. Art can be the teacher we all didn’t have but the lesson are always available to us if we’re lucky enough to stumble upon them.

I won’t lie to you or whomever this concerns. Everything this song inspires takes time and a long look inward. As I write this i’m not completely put together, i’m still broken in my best areas. But whenever I am close to the edge and see nothing else in front of me, I take this song and many songs like this to push myself forward to the person I want to be. Take the first step to the where I want to be, shoot my first of many shots at the dream I want to realize. If i’m lucky to be talking to anyone like my sister or Kids See Ghost, find what sparks your soul and use that as your fuel to push you along the road of redemption. Use that shine to remedy your pain and be the conduit to others who are hurting.

Be reborn & keep moving forward because we can’t do this without you

Until nXt time

/n(y)o͞o🦇XXI

COME BACK TO EARTH // a wish that will never come true

-screenshot from “Self Care” music video (2018)-

“Come Back To Earth” is the opening song to the album SWIMMING (2018) by the late artist Mac Miller. This opening track sets the tone of the album, detailing the desire to leave the entrapping feeling of depression, while patiently waiting for the bright salvation. It begins with Miller crooning the sobering lyrics before the full instrumental drops. "My regrets look just like texts I shouldn’t send / and I got neighbors, they’re more like strangers we could be friends." An accompanying soft strum of a guitar lays as the piano joins in. "I just need a way out of my head. I'll do anything for a way out of my head..." These haunting lyrics invoke almost a prayer-like sensation; meant solely to uplift the listener and cling to the faith on the horizon.

“In my own way, it feels like living. Some alternate reality. I was drowning but now I’m swimming.”

I feel the first verse travel through Mac’s troubles he may have had or currently had at the time of recording. Swimming’s purpose to me seems like a redemption, or resurrection from his drowning. This album would have been his ascension from his abyss into the shine where he was meant to excel, and with this purpose also came honesty. From my basic knowledge of Mac’s final months, they consisted of crafting, releasing SWIMMING, dealing with the hangover of a public break up, a DUI, and a pre-existing drug problem. With those shadows lingering, I believe he wanted SWIMMING to propel him above, using his art as the greatest form of therapy. After listening to the album as much as I have; if he would have lived to see it, I believe he would have achieved his redemption and more. I see SWIMMING as this is one of, if not his best pieces of work. “Come Back To Earth” grabs you by the heart strings, yet only to innocently soothe and comfort your inner demons.

“Don’t you know that sunshine don’t feel right when you’re inside all day? I wish it was nice out but it looks like rain...”

A personal favorite line from the song; it comes with awareness in a melancholic state. A sunny day doesn’t feel as vibrant and lovely as it’s meant to be experienced, if one is locked under the weight of depression. With that realization, comes a conclusion of hope with the last line:

“Gray skies are drifting, I’m not living forever…they tell me it only gets better”

In just a duration of 2 minutes and 42 seconds, the songs delivers full production accompanied by healing lyrics sung warmly by Miller. It creates a infectious atmosphere that has you playing the song more than once. Almost like if you replay it enough, with a glimmer of of hope Miller will eventually come back to earth. Even though that wish will remain just, a wish.

In the wake of his sudden death on September 7th, 2018, songs with this lyrical content come off as the most haunting. One might consider the album to serve as a personal eulogy, or a swan song to exit with grace. Miller’s musicianship along with his song writing, with famed producer Jon Brion along for the ride, they have managed to make a musical embrace that makes you feel like it’s okay. Even though this may be your worst nightmare, “It only gets better....”

Rest easy, Malcolm

In a time where music has become more microwaved and forgettable you were heading in the opposite direction. You showed growth with every album and your music became timeless. Though you're not here with us anymore, your music will live on to enrich many generations to come and that’s all any artist wants in the end. I know you can’t come back but I’m thankful you were here at all.

until next time -

https://youtu.be/VzAjXdBJsEc

“stuck in trumpland watching subtlety decaying”

📸: gabrielle cavallaro

OVEREXPOSED (2014) a short story by /n(y)o͞o 🦇

It’s scary how fast your life can change. Some days you’re challenged with difficult outcomes that warps the world you once knew. With every challenge you’re left with a new perspective. A new perspective can come with new habits of coping. You dance with that new habit until graduates to a regimen. You can lose yourself within it and forget who you once were. While you sink lower into the numb there are reminders of what it used to feel like. The reminder exposes our truth and identify the habit as a crutch. The news is sobering but it will only last a moment. My eyes suffered that faithful pale Saturday afternoon. Who would have known a good time would haunt me so much? Who would have known the haunting would shape me so well? I don’t know what I have to tell you, but I need to.

Elliot or ELLZ was a pleasure to be around. The time I was granted to had known him, he challenged me. I almost feel like I wasn’t worth being the person he’d share his last moments with. It was just supposed to be a normal Saturday afternoon. Goofing off until it was our greater plans for goofing off were amongst us. I just wanted to smoke and look at the sky. I knew he would appreciate the gesture. I had just bought a pen and I had wanted to test it and see how good it would work for me. I knew Ellz would be a solid judge. That was one of the very few things we enjoyed together including the mutual friends we’ve shared and the women we eye fucked. “Wanna give my new pen a test drive tomorrow and hit the lake?” I asked coked up at a gathering that we held that Friday night at some ‘trap house’. Saturday we were planning to attending a wild party by one of our many mutual friends were throwing. Getting high at the lake seemed like a cool thing to attach on to the plans we had later that night. “Does a wild bear shit in the woods? He said blowing smoke. I’ll text you tomorrow.” I said sealing the deal on our plans. I thought it was slightly odd that he didn’t ask to invite anyone else to help bridge the gap between two guys who aren’t best friends but an acquaintance. Despite that he seemed comfortable meeting me the next day and have it just be the two of us I am comfortable to say that after that afternoon, Elliot and I became friends.

I waited for him on a bench that was adjacent to the path that led to the water. As I waited, I tried out the pen and of course it was fucking awesome. I was in my blissful zone until it was interrupted by Ellz loud screamo music that roared from his car speakers. He exited his car with an excited pep in his step, especially when he saw the pen in my hands and the number nine clouding up my eyes. “Just in time my friend.” I welcomed him to his final hour with the temptation as exception. “That’s what’s up.” he said with his smile wrapping around his face. He took it from me and used it exceptionally as if he had his own. After his hit he released the smoke with a small cough that followed. “That’s dat dab boy...” he let out. We laughed and headed for the lake. Taking turns flying into our blissful mental state that we favored so much. 

The lake was dressed around stone and scattered rocks with some sand. We walked on and around the rocks since it was the only path because the sand was being washed by tide. We traded the pen between hits as we walked and in-between the walks we’d stop and look into waves. It was pretty beautiful at that time. “I love this shit.” He said in almost a whisper. “Weed? Me too, man.” I said not paying attention to what he was referring to. “Well yeah, that’s great too but i’m talking about this.” He gestures to the water, the waves and over-exposed sky wrapped around it. “I love that look of forever into the water and gray sky. To some eyes it looks like infinity.” “Infinity?” I asked to stoned to grasp what he meant. “Just that blurr into nowhere. Let me show you something.” he pulled out his phone and navigated to picture of a small figure on an old dirty beach. You can see the water, a few birds in the sky and that’s it.

It almost looked like someone was painting a portrait and did not finished. It was almost visually unsatisfying but intriguing at the same time. I came to find out that the small figure was Elliot and the picture was taken by his girlfriend from another school. “Where is that?” I asked not knowing at the time. “My girl took it last summer, this is at Duncan beach, a beach near her school. We took pictures and edited them together, it’s kind of our thing. Well, more of hers to be honest. She’s a photographer and she does amazing work. I kind of adopted the hobby from her, she inspires me. I think that’s when I fell in love with the illusion of a pale abyss. I wasn’t even high but in that moment the beauty of it made higher than i’ve ever felt.” he told me staring at the picture, the wind slightly blowing our clothes, and the goose bumps that arose on our arms. I was jealous of that story he told me, personally I can’t get anywhere without the influence of drugs and alcohol. I didn’t know if I was just an addict or just lazy but that day I understood the true reason why Ellz was ecstatic about my invitation that day. He wanted to get a chance to bask in the earths many portraits. “Do you mind taking a picture of me out here while the waves are still flowing?” He asked me with his phone already handed to me. “Yeah man of course.” I took the phone from him and it was already set to the camera setting. I turned it sideways and got ready for him. Elliot went down the sand and face away from me as if it was a candid. Extremely similar to the picture his girlfriend took of him. I snapped a few of his plain pose and background.

Within a few seconds after snapping about four of the same picture for him, he turned around and gave me a thumbs up. He climbed up to the rocks we were both standing and rejoined me by his side. I showed him the pictures I took, which weren’t too different in my opinion but he seemed excited and very grateful. “Nice, I can’t wait to edit these.” He placed his phone away and took another hit of the pen. He blew out a solid cloud and then asked me a weird question. “What makes you happy?” I looked at him like he offended me but my stink eye did not phase him, he look me right in my eyes and pulled the answer from me his self. I didn’t speak I just raised the pen and took a hit. He got the hint but was not satisfied. “Anything else besides that?” He asked his final question. “I’m not sure if i’ve found it.” I said, one of the first honest things i’ve said lately. “Don’t worry you’ll find it. Or should i say it’ll find you. When it reveals itself, just always remember it when shit gets empty.” He said calmly. “You make it sound too easy.” I challenged. “The process is never easy. It’s the hardest part. The most difficult scenarios usually have the simplest answers.” He patted me on the back and turned his head to see behind us. When he craned his neck back to the water he seemed to have lost his footing and started to slip. Elliot was wearing boat shoes that faithful day and the rocks were on was kind of wet so these clashed and created his fate. He started to say something which drew my attention to him. Before I knew it Elliot was falling reaching for me to grab him as I reached for him but gravity won in the pull and Elliot fell hard and hit his head really hard on a sharp rock. crack! Once I heard his skull crack and realized Elliot was dead instantly I immediately blacked out from shock. I remember screaming hysterically.

His funeral was held about a week later. I sat in the far back because I felt that the ones who were closer to him belonged up front. We were only close for that afternoon we shared together. That afternoon where we became actual friends other than being just acquainted. Before his accident I planned on spending more one on one time with Elliot. So he could pick my brain, get high and talk more about the next view and what it meant to him. Since we had only one real memory I wonder if I’m out of place amongst love ones. Am I just the guys who invited him to his fate? If I would have left him in his house instead of at the lake, standing on the rock that ending up killing him. He could have been doing something more productive with his time then doing dabs with me. I feel like everyone hated me here at his funeral. Though no one was treating me that way, I still blame myself.  I watched all the lost souls pour their sorrow into their lost friend, son, brother. I saw Elliot’s girlfriend Rita sitting with his mother and siblings. She barely looked up from her phone. I expected she was looking at pictures of him, remembering. The blame and regret was too overwhelming and I left before it even ended. I didn’t feel like I deserved to attend a funeral where no one knew of the afternoon Elliot’s and I shared. I left and drove to this park where i usually clear my head. 

On top of the hill I began to inhale from the pen begging for bliss to wipe away my guilt and anguish but all it did was make it hazier and worse in a way. The sky was an un-inviting dark gray, rain might come. I looked at it thinking would Elliot enjoy this? Would he be happy with what I am doing? Is he mad at me? The the sky opened up and the sun shined up on the park through the gray. I smiled, I knew that in honor of him I should just appreciate with what’s given to us. The world, the physical world that we take advantage of gives many beautiful portraits for us to be apart of. No matter how dark it can get inside, the sun with remain shining in one way or another. And people like Elliot could see a sun in any shade the sky gives us. I knew that my initial path to my happiness is to find a new way to get high without substance. 

As I was leaving the hill I came across something shocking discovery. The picture I took of Elliot just moments before he died was posted through his Instagram account. Not even ten minutes ago. Once his followers and followers of his followers discovered this the rumors spread. No one put two and two together, no one would besides me.

They still believe i’m alive. 

/n(y)o͞o 🦇

Human Nature: A Love Letter to a Perfect Jam

by /n(y)o͞o 🦇

https://youtu.be/ITQPxZKm9dY

https://youtu.be/nP7_ayzoG0c

https://youtu.be/vHwXoY0LiQk

https://youtu.be/3hOZaTGnHU4

https://youtu.be/7V2GzYcRK9E

https://youtu.be/EfXK4jauJV4

/n(y)o͞o 🦇

brooklyn bridge

NYC - circa October 2016

📸: gabrielle cavallaro