I would have been such a faggy lil caveboy, they'd be like "grug come learn hunt and throw spear now" and id be like waaaa no let me pick berry with old gran. I'm the best berrypicker and all the elders love me and are soso sad seeing me cry getting dragged off to do hunting.

At dark around the fire, uup the wise would say some shit like "different flower bloom different way, let grug bloom" and everyone would be like "aaaaaa thog see now, thank you uup the wise." so next day im allowed to pick berry and seed with old gran again and she lets me eat the juiciest ones (o^－^o)

watches a six minute long porn video frowning deeply chin resting on my hand occassionally going hmmmm or jotting down a note. video ends I sigh take off my glasses rub my face. well. what do you even want me to say? it was derivative - even an amateur like yourself must see that.would I call it art? of course I would. a grim reminder that art mustn't necessarily hold any value or vision.

I feel like if humans swallowed rocks like birds do to help grind up food we'd have so much fun with it.

Can just imagine all the girlies on tiktok going "I know this is a bit controversial but I honestly love using limestone as a gastrolith. Not only can you readily forage it but they are just so pretty when smoothed out after regurgitating them"

and then all the comments would be like " girl 😭 😭 calcite dissolves in stomach acid!! Just use quartz if you want a pretty gastrolith like 💀"

work cafeteria is getting weird with pride month inclusion but like ok i guess

you’re god damn right there isn’t

call your girl Bluetooth Speaker the way I made a temporary connection with her that she will always remember

how i see this post

we hunt the mighty pasta BEAST

and breadsticks are its BONES

ALFREDO FLOWS inside its veins

its organs are CALZONES

LASAGNA plates its armored hide

and should the hero dare

you'll find the noisome Jaws are strung

with garlic angel hair

As a bisexual person I'm keenly aware of how such stereotypes are inevitably harmful to us, but unfortunately when I see bisexuals in fiction who are Evil and stylish and fuck like champions I can't help but go "oh work" for a sec. It's a difficult conundrum

Hey, y'all, does anyone know how to counter the Wall of Flesh opening????? The answer is time sensitive.

Naming a color "flesh": 👎🏿🤢🤮❌😒🙅🏿‍♂️

Naming a color "apricot": 👍🏿😀😇✅🫶🏿🫃🏿

Naming a color "nude": 👎🏿🤢🤮❌😒🙅🏿‍♂️

Naming a color "unsolicited Grindr pic from a guy in Maine": 👍🏿😀😇✅🫶🏿🫃🏿

Why do I get the feeling that's not a real color name

dj pensive got the whole club saying hmmmm

dj ex-pensive got the whole club just mindlessly dancing as they should

My unemployed mommy dom texting me at work: grrr mommy needs kitten rn 😈

Me, on my fifth smoke break in an hour: I need you to actually kill me during sex this time please

Another commercial I would produce as an advertising executive:

A husband and wife eat a bland dinner together in a dimly-lit kitchen. They don't speak or look at each other. The meal: a pathetic Salisbury steak.

Cut to their bedroom at night. The wife lays sleeping in the bed while in the background the husband is putting on her dress, pantyhose, pearl necklace, heels, makeup, and a wig. When he's done he quietly leaves the room. The wife opens her eyes as soon as she's sure he's gone.

Now we're in a seedy dive bar. A small crowd of mustachioed men wearing leather jackets, black boots, and sunglasses sip beers and puff cigarettes while the "show" unfolds. Camera pans down, then pans to the side. Between the black boots we see the husband on his hands and knees, greedily eating a Chipotle Chorizo Burrito Bowl with Cilantro Lime Rice from a plastic dog bowl on the floor. His makeup is ruined, face smeared with sour cream and hot sauce.

A man steps forward. The husband looks up, and his expression changes to that of a deer in the headlights. Cut to reveal that the "man" standing before the husband is none other than his wife, in elaborate drag as a Tom of Finland biker, false mustache and officer cap and all. She smiles warmly, and nods. The husband smiles too, and resumes his meal.

Chipotle: Own Your Fantasy

My girlfriend was like "ohhhh can you make me this recipe for breakfast uwu :3" all innocent, messaging me some tracker-riddled short form video hell link, and I oblige, of course, but then am quickly faced with the reality that short form video is not a good format for recipies. There is no rewind and no written recipe, so if you want to see something you have to watch the whole thing all the way through. So you're standing there in the kitchen trying to prep, watching this guy with a lisp unhelpfully narrate all the ingredients in rapid succession, gathering a new ingredient on every playthrough. And then you notice, of course, there aren't any measurements, because why would there be? Oh, "add a splash of almond milk" he lisps, literally showing a top-down of the almond milk in a pyrex measuring cup. How much? A splash! He got to measure it. Do you? Of course not, fuck you. And that goes for the baking soda as well. He says "a half teaspoon of baking soda" and dumps a pea's worth of baking soda onto a literal kitchen teaspoon. Is this moron allergic to numbers? You remind yourself that in the grand scheme of things it's just a little recipe, it's really not a big deal, except maybe it is bad a little bit in a chinese-water-torture kind of way, because you can feel your thirteenth playback of this video beginning to drive you insane. You feel the brief urge to stick your head in the oven, before you realize preheating instructions are actually after the ingredients list, so you watch it through one more time to learn the correct temperature for your oven. Eventually you mimic the proportions of the ingredients you see on this monument of garbage, and toss it in the oven relieved. Surely, all this is going to work right? The timer beeps and your stupid fucking breakfast bars haven't even risen. OP Is a liar and a fucking moron, and now so are you, for daring to take them at their word. You must now explain to your girlfriend why your breakfast bars are a liquid unrisen sludge compared to the video's beautiful, unreasonably large result. Fuck. Back into the oven with these goddamn breakfast bars. You hope they burn.

ultimately the cheesecake factory menu fails to tell a queer narrative

the way she had to turn the comments off...this shouldn't be controversial 😭

if you think you need a chiropractor what you really need is a physical therapist