your honor, in my defense, you wouldnt get it
you had to be there, your honor
judge, you see... what had happened was...
one of the more valuable things I’ve learned in life as a survivor of a mentally unstable parent is that it is likely that no one has thought through it as much as you have.
no, your friend probably has not noticed they cut you off four times in this conversation.
no, your brother didn’t realize his music was that loud while you were studying.
no, your bff or S.O. doesn’t remember that you’re on a tight deadline right now.
no, no one else is paying attention to the four power dynamics at play in your friend group right now.
a habit of abused kids, especially kids with unstable parents, is the tendency to notice every little detail. We magnify small nuances into major things, largely because small nuances quickly became breaking points for parents. Managing moods, reading the room, perceiving danger in the order of words, the shift of body weight….it’s all a natural outgrowth of trying to manage unstable parents from a young age.
Here’s the thing: most people don’t do that. I’m not saying everyone else is oblivious, I’m saying the over analysis of minor nuances is a habit of abuse.
I have a rule: I do not respond to subtext. This includes guilt tripping, silent treatments, passive aggressive behavior, etc. I see it. I notice it. I even sometimes have to analyze it and take a deep breath and CHOOSE not to respond. Because whether it’s really there or just me over-reading things that actually don’t mean anything, the habit of lending credence to the part of me that sees danger in the wrong shift of body weight…that’s toxic for me. And dangerous to my relationships.
The best thing I ever did for myself and my relationships was insist upon frank communication and a categorical denial of subtext. For some people this is a moral stance. For survivors of mentally unstable parents this is a requirement of recovery.
gentle reminder: you are very capable and I’m excited for your future
slightly less gentle reminder: you do have to work for it
Stephanie Meyer: Rosalie Hale killed her rapists one by one. Including her fiancée
Me now and at 13:
learning how powerful it is to say “this is what i feel” and “this is what i want” and firmly standing by it
Most important lesson I learned in the past year is, don’t let anyone turn you cruel. No matter how badly you wanna give the world a taste of its own bitter medicine. It’s never worth losing yourself over.
i say this to every girl i love: abandon shame
my body may be a temple but i am the god to whom it is devoted
do not presume to tell me how i may decorate my altar
This is quite possibly the best way I’ve heard to say “I dress how I want, deal with it” There needs to be more things like this
Here’s to all the kids out there “breaking the cycle”.
Decision fatigue.
Now that I’m a couple of months in being a lawyer, I didn’t expect how exhausted I would be from making so many decisions all day. Frequently, if I have dinner or a drink after work, I let the server or bartender pick it and I am relieved - because that’s a decision I don’t have to make and can rest.
Clothes are another source of this decision fatigue. I’m beginning to see the value in having a “work uniform” to eliminate some of that. I was supposed to have my first solo trial yesterday (it was defending a small claims action - so v small). I wore these shoes and a dress with a blazer. (Side note: Case against my client got dismissed so yay!) I’m planning to slowly switch my wardrobe over to a capsule wardrobe with the same/similar colors so I just grab and go.
Anyone else?
This sweet kitty has had a lot of changes over the past couple of months. Moving to a new city, losing her best friends, getting a new kitten so she stops crying, lots of bad weather, more changes, her human working 12+ hour days away from home.
So she quit eating. She’s been losing weight and very upset. We are taking the vet’s recommendation to spend more time together very seriously with countless cuddles today. Not even upset that I paid $50 to learn my cat is heartbroken and pissed at me.
Love her forever.
