I'm scared. I'm starting to withdraw too much from reality.
I find myself retreating more and more into my imagination and despising the real world so much that I just don't want to be a part of it anymore, it's just not enriching or interesting enough.
Almost all my time spent these days is at work or worrying about work or dealing with financial stress and debt, fearing death and the decline in my physical health since covid.
The only things that being me any kind of joy anymore are books, movies, shows, fanfiction, and what I dream when I'm asleep.
It scares me. I don't want to be like this again. The last time I was like this was when I was a teenager living with depression and a toxic and abusive parent.
If I had no responsibilities like i did when I was a kid, I wouldn't feel bad about withdrawing into fiction like I did before, but I have money to earn so I can pay bills and keep a roof over my head. I have appointments to make and a body to take care of.
It's all so monotonous and tiring.
There's barely anything making me want to stay present anymore.
I want to live my dreams, not this dystopian, capitalist nightmare I was forced into 26 years ago.