A lot of people ask me what my biggest fear is, or what scares me most. And I know they expect an answer like heights, or closed spaces, or people dressed like animals, but how do I tell them that when I was 17 I took a class called Relationships For Life and I learned that most people fall out of love for the same reasons they fell in it. That their lover’s once endearing stubbornness has now become refusal to compromise and their one track mind is now immaturity and their bad habits that you once adored is now money down the drain. Their spontaneity becomes reckless and irresponsible and their feet up on your dash is no longer sexy, just another distraction in your busy life. Nothing saddens and scares me like the thought that I can become ugly to someone who once thought all the stars were in my eyes.

this fucks me up every single time

I never expected this to be my most popular poem out of the hundreds I’ve written. I was extremely bitter and sad when I wrote this and I left out the most beautiful part of that class.

After my teacher introduced us to this theory, she asked us, “is love a feeling? Or is it a choice?” We were all a bunch of teenagers. Naturally we said it was a feeling. She said that if we clung to that belief, we’d never have a lasting relationship of any sort.

She made us interview a dozen adults who were or had been married and we asked them about their marriages and why it lasted or why it failed. At the end, I asked every single person if love was an emotion or a choice.

Everybody said that it was a choice. It was a conscious commitment. It was something you choose to make work every day with a person who has chosen the same thing. They all said that at one point in their marriage, the “feeling of love” had vanished or faded and they weren’t happy. They said feelings are always changing and you cannot build something that will last on such a shaky foundation.

The married ones said that when things were bad, they chose to open the communication, chose to identify what broke and how to fix it, and chose to recreate something worth falling in love with.

The divorced ones said they chose to walk away.

Ever since that class, since that project, I never looked at relationships the same way. I understood why arranged marriages were successful. I discovered the difference in feelings and commitments. I’ve never gone for the person who makes my heart flutter or my head spin. I’ve chosen the people who were committed to choosing me, dedicated to finding something to adore even on the ugliest days.

I no longer fear the day someone who swore I was their universe can no longer see the stars in my eyes as long as they still choose to look until they find them again.

This is so fucking important and I think it’s something I needed right now

i’m starting to realize the “friendship where we bully each other” thing is a complicated subject for me, because as a survivor of bullying and my interests being mocked for basically my entire life, i don’t really find it funny or endearing when pals do it. i don’t mind gentle insults and inside jokes, but idk, there has to be a point where you go “maybe i shouldn’t cut on my friend’s new oc or special interest” and stop yourself. i think we should all try a little harder to know that boundary and not put our friends in those situations

My best friend and I used to greet each other with insults (“hey bitch!” “wassup slut?”) and generally poke fun at each other all the time. It’s how we showed affection, just constant little pokes and prods and minor nuisances. But I noticed that these exchanges were wearing her down through little behavioral ticks, like she’d go quiet or her laugh wasn’t as bubbly. So I changed how I show her affection and now scream “hi Dawn I love you :D” at the top of my lungs when I say hi. And I hear her stifle a giggle and she answers with either “love you too” or “hiiiii, love you!!!” depending on her mood at the time.

It’s fine to have a close friendship where you can pretend to be mean to each other and you both understand that none of that meanness is real. But the second it starts to feel real to either of you, that behavior should change.

Heyyy woo! I’m finally ready to share this online~ This has just been my experience being Ace. I’m selling these at cons and will have them at MSP Spring Con (at the MN state fair grounds, yo!)

But I’ve also been trying out gumroad too - so you can get a pdf of it off there too if you want~

here’s a hard pill to swallow: abuse does not just exclusively occur in romantic or family relationships. friends can be just as toxic to your physical and mental wellbeing as a partner or a family member. also, the aftermath of being in an abusive friendship can be just as traumatizing as any other abusive relationship. don’t boo me i’m right 

for some reason people don't know this but toxic friends can mirror all the same behaviors as seen in an abusive romantic partner. i will use my own story of my ex-high school best friend who abused me for several years. signs of abuse include but are not limited to:

anyway, abusive friendships need to be acknowledged more because they are not only extremely common but also very damaging to someone’s mental health. i personally had to go through years of therapy to unlearn the guilt and self-hatred that my ex-friend helped instill in me. stay safe yall

a GREAT addition from @mememic-bry

#also- because sometimes I think people throw around words like ‘abuse’ a little carelessly on this site #people who aren’t abusive sometimes might do one or two things on this list #because people are flawed #and sometimes we screw up and hurt each other and it’s ouch and it sucks #if your friend does one of these things once they are not an abuser and please don’t bring it up by saying ‘you’re being abusive’ #instead say ‘hey this specific thing you did hurt me and here’s why it was p stressful’ #and a good friend will hear you out. maybe they will get defensive or sad (cause who *likes* being called out let’s be real) #but ultimately they will listen to you. they will own up to their actions. #and they will make a genuine effort to not act in that way that hurt you again

#ON THE OTHER HAND #an abusive person will do several of these things *repeatedly* and *consistently*. it is a pattern woven in your relationship #and it just keeps happening #and if you try to bring it up they will deny any ownership of their actions #they will either say they never did those things OR that they *DID* but it’s not their fault #every single time they will gaslight you or make themselves the victim and refuse to hold themselves accountable for hurting you #that’s an abuser. that’s a toxic friend 

last part is important as well

Add one more to the list. If a person who is supposed to be your friend intentionally puts you in a situation which gets you in trouble (while staying out of the trouble themselves), knowing full well what they do and yet still doing it, they’re not really your friends. You’d better finish this “friendship” before they get a chance to really hurt you.

Treating you one way in public and being a completely different and much nastier person when you’re interacting one on one. 

Also, saying you have to choose between her and another friend.

As someone who has been living with severe suicidal ideation my entire life I wanna tell you all something, you don’t have to stay alive for yourself. People will say it’s a bad idea to live for external things because they’re temporary, and it’s true living for yourself is ideal but if you’re not to that point yet that’s ok too. 

I’ve lived for my dog for the past 4 years, before that I lived for my snakes, before that I lived for my cat. You can live for whatever needs you and whatever matters to you. Live for your best friend, live for your plants, live for your pets, live for your animal crossing town. Live for whatever keeps you alive and the day will come when you can live for yourself.

This is something everyone should see. Thank you for sharing this.

Transformers kept me alive. When the 2007 movie was announced I was going through an incredibly hard time emotionally. I saw the preview and every time I thought about killing myself I thought, “but then I won’t get to see this thing I’ve always wanted to see, good or not.” And it got me through.

I’m in a place where I live for myself now, but don’t toss away a life preserver just because other people think you should be able to swim on your own.

don’t toss away a life preserver just because other people think you should be able to swim on your own

My Daughter, The Jock

Oh no, I’m crying.

This is one of my favorite things about being a parent: how you learn things that you might not have had to otherwise. That’s the thing about it–yes, I love my daughter and she is the focus of my parenting goals, but my experiences with her have helped me learn and grow in ways I never expected, and I’m grateful.

YO this is legit

My dad has always had me do this, especially when I was little and kept the baby up. We would go into the back yard, point to the river (to keep the ship captains up at night) and scream. I was also told to jump up and down to “get all the scream out” 

I did this in college too. There’s nothing more cathartic than climbing the fence of the fishing pier, running to the end of it and screaming into the wind. It’s powerful, it’s therapeutic, it’s feral and wonderful. 

I did this with kids too, when they have too much energy. When I worked at a children’s camp and the kids had too much energy when the rain canceled pool time I took them out in the rain, made them jump up and down and scream, and then 15 some nine-year-olds and I would rance across the field screaming in the rain

Go scream, just face towards the river when you do it

Adventurer’s Tip #345: Sometimes you just gotta scream. Just face towards the river when you do.

My brother had a lot of trouble focusing his energy when he was little and my mom would have him go out in the yard and run a lap around the house screaming at the top of his lungs and it was like a reset button and also he loved it

If this resonates with you at all PLEASE, for your benefit, go read this tweet thread on “fawning”

Oh my god i finally have a word for it….

There’s such enormous power in naming and understanding things, isn’t there 🙏

I nearly fucking scrolled past this, but I came back and read it.

Now I’m sitting here, re-thinking all my past and present relationships with everyone, and….

Fuck

I mean I’m saying, y’all, if it gives you pause, let it!

Source 

These dudes are fucking legit.  They don’t just show up one day in court, either, they actually make friends with the kids and let them know they have a support system and that there are people in the world who care about them and will always have their back.  And less important, but also cool, is that the few times a couple of them have come into my cafe, they’ve been super friendly and polite and when I told one of the guys that I noticed his Bikers Against Child Abuse patch and wanted him to know how awesome I thought he was because of it, he got kind of shy and blushed and said, “The kids are the awesome ones, we just let them know they’re allowed to be brave.”

The source is long, but so, so good. These men and women are available in 36 states, 24 hours a day to stand guard at home, in court, at school, even if the child has a nightmare. Many of them are survivors of childhood abuse as well, and know what it’s like to feel scared and alone.

Actual tears.. hnngh

Show me more of people like this, world. I give up on humans too easily.

where do i sign up for this,i want to be in this gang

This is fucking amazing. It may be out of character for me to say this but rock on

Bikers Against Child Abuse was founded in 1995 by a Native American child psychologist whose ride name is Chief, when he came across a young boy who had been subjected to extreme abuse and was too afraid to leave his house. He called the boy to reach out to him, but the only thing that seemed to interest the child was Chief’s bike. Soon, some 20 bikers went to the boy’s neighborhood and were able to draw him out of his house for the first time in weeks.

Chief’s thesis was that a child who has been abused by an adult can benefit psychologically from the presence of even more intimidating adults that they know are on their side. “When we tell a child they don’t have to be afraid, they believe us,” Arizona biker Pipes told azcentral.com. “When we tell them we will be there for them, they believe us.” ( Article)

More about BACA, from their site

My parents are a part of this organization and they are metal af

They go on runs to protect the child if they feel even the slightest threatened no matter where. If the child needs them to go on vacation with them, they do. Bikers come from across the nation to watch over and take shifts for these kids. And the best part is once you’re adopted into this family as a BACA kid, you’re always one. Even when you’re 40 and the perp gets released from jail, they’ll come meet with you and find your best options for avoiding the person and maintaining the life you’ve built for yourself. Once a BACA child, always a BACA child. In Florida, there’s 100% rate for identifying the perp based on the child’s testimony. Why? Because BACA stands with the child and supports the child so they feel comfortable enough to point out their attacker.

What’s better than a badass biker gang being on your side???

NATIVE AMERICAN CHILD PSYCHOLOGIST WHO IS A BIKER AND NAMED HIMSELF CHIEF HELL YES I’M HERE FOR THAT AND BIKERS BEING BAD ASS TO PROTECT KIDS. HELL YEAH.

it’s back! I will always reblog BACA

Damn good people.

I know they wouldn’t consider themselves such, but these people are freaking heroes and the world is a better place because of them. 

Hey folks, it talks about this in the article but its not mentioned in this post, BACA is a 501 © (3) charity that depends in part on donations to help pay for stuff like gas for their bikes. If you want to help, consider donating. 

@copperbadge You like posting about heroes, Sam. Seems like this would be up your alley.

I love these folks! I’ve reblogged them before but it’s wonderful to see the donation information has been added. 

Always reblog. Keep doing what you’re doing y'all.

Guys? This post changed my life. I saw this post. Forever ago. And thought it was only in america… and wished desperately that they could help me. But then I saw it again, during a bad episode, and checked their site. They aren’t just in the USA

They’re in Canada as well and probably other countries. I met and talked with a native guy who runs the place near me. His name is Shaman. I got in, and I’m considered a BACA child now. Despite being 17, turning 18 when I talked to them. They spent time with me when my abuser was over, they gave me therapy resources. They give you something called a ‘level 1′ where they go to your house with as many bikers as they can, i shit you not a solid 20-40 bikers came from even out of province, and met me. I got to choose my biker name and I got a vest with patches on it and my name on it. They all hugged a Teddybear before giving it to me, and told me if I ever felt the BACA bear was running out of love, to give them a call and they’d refill it for me, and then I got a ride on one of their bikes. Just a day or so ago I went to an annual party with them and they we ate food one of them cooked and had a lot of laughs. 

I’ve never felt as loved as I did being a part of the BACA family. They also gave me dog tags with the names, and phone numbers of my 2 workers.  So I can call them whenever I feel scared. 

BACA is an absolutely wonderful group that will do everything in it’s power to help any child whos been abused. 

And it doesn’t end when you’re 18 either. As long as you get in contact/get your level 1 before you’re 18? you’re ALWAYS a BACA kid. I’m 18 now and they still invite me to parties, ask me if I’m okay, and are there for me. They’re still trying to find me resources for therapy. 

BACA has changed my fucking life. 

I hope you all can read this, and reblog it knowing from someone who fucking been with them, that they are absolutely amazing. 

listen to yourself and watch your language. instead of saying “sorry for ranting”, say “thank you for listening to me”. instead of saying “sorry that i am overemotional”, say “thank you for trying to understand something difficult”. instead of saying “sorry if i am a burden”, say “thank you for the time and energy you invest in our friendship”. good things will come when you realize you are not an apology.

People who rely on “oof” “worm” “mood” “same” when faced with their friend’s emotional pain need to stop digging their heels in with “well its actual a complex way to say you relate and are here for them blah blah shit noises” reasoning and learn how to be emotionally available and supportive. No one wants to hear that all the time when they are going through it. If you don’t know what to say, just validate their emotions and care to write more than a single meme word.

And what are the Comfort Words you suggest?

Any variants of these are good, I use them a lot too. You know your friend best and you know yourself you gotta be realistic with how much you can help and what you can handle. Just talk with them to talk about boundaries. I know it can be awkward especially if the friendship is online but I’ve told my friends “hey I really can’t handle that atm but we can talk about x later” and I’ve also been told that what I’m saying was too intense and that she hears me and we can come and talk about it at a later date.

These things aren’t even dependent on feeling empathy because I know that’s a real struggle but just communicating your needs and boundaries and being honest about what you can and can’t handle and when is important to making healthy relationships. You don’t have to be people’s therapists(especially because that can be a recipe for diseater) but just listening and giving them space to be open with you is key. Respect their feelings and handle it how you would want someone to handle yours when you need it.

Typo fixed but it’s not even about saying the right chain of words but just being there for the people you care about and genuinely engaging with their pain instead of saying a meme phrase that does nothing

x

“i can’t do simple hygiene bc im depressed” that’s easy babe! just do simple hygiene

Y’all always have to wallow in your misery instead of considering maybe, just maybe, the encouragement people like this give is just telling people to do one, easy thing instead of worrying about a whole routine. Can’t make yourself shower? That’s fine, just brush your teeth. Don’t have the energy to do your hair? Okay, just brush your teeth.

Making 1 small change that can start improving your mood leads to other small changes. When I couldn’t make myself shower I would make sure I changed underwear every day. And then I started using baby wipes to keep myself fresh. And then I worked my way back to trying to take showers every day. My record might not be perfect but I’m getting better.

It’s really unhealthy to keep the mindset that anyone who isn’t miserable and suffering under their mental illness or emotional problems doesn’t know what they’re talking about. Maybe they’ve just grown to learn how to love and care for themselves in spite of what they’re going through.

Mr. Rogers had an intentional manner of speaking to children, which his writers called “Freddish”. There were nine steps for translating into Freddish: 

Mr. Rogers Had a Simple Set of Rules for Talking to Children - The Atlantic

That idea is REALLY worth learning to talk to the kiddos. Mr. Rogers still has a lot to teach us–especially for our own kids.

hot take: moms need to learn how to listen to and comfort their daughters without making everything about their own traumas

a classic example

daughter: hey this thing you do bothers me very much and i wish you wouldn’t do it

mom: well my parents abused me and im not even as bad as they were and i had to sit through it so you gotta sit through whatever i do to you too

a common variant

mom: well i’m having a really hard time right now and you know that i’m doing my best and that i didn’t mean to hurt you ergo you are in fact the asshole for asking me to consider your feelings and change my behavior during this hard hard time i’m having

This is a very important post about how to recognize problematic behavior in narcissistic mothers. It is also something we all need to watch out for in ourselves, especially if we were raised by a narcissistic parent.

Because if that’s what you’re used to, you can grow up wrongly believing that this is what sympathy is supposed to sound like.

I have, numerous times, talked about having a bad day, and had a well-meaning acquaintance tell me how much worse their day was, honestly believing that they were being sympathetic – that telling me how much worse their day was would somehow make me feel relieved, or grateful, that my day wasn’t as bad as theirs.

Of course, it did not make me feel better. It made me feel like my experiences were being trivialized, and like my feelings were being invalidated.

I know these people weren’t trying to be cruel. They truly just didn’t know better. They thought they were empathizing.

If you didn’t grow up learning what genuine sympathy looks/sounds/feels like, it’s hard to know how to show genuine sympathy for other people, even when you really do care about them.

Can i get a step by step on how to do this?

So far for me it’s been something like:

1. Become aware of how and when you tearing yourself down.

2. Now that you can catch yourself doing it. Offer counters to the negative self talk. A really useful thing I read was to talk to yourself almost the way you would child. Gentle and patient. Even when they fuck up.

3. Take time to celebrate your small accomplishments. You’ve been attacking yourself for every little mistake. Apply that same fervor to the positive things in your life. Did the dishes even though you didn’t want to? Fuck yeah! Got up and took shower? YES!!! You are taking positive steps to feeling better. Celebrate it.

4. Make lists of things you’re good at/ like about yourself. The first time I did this the only two things in my list we’re that I liked my hair and I had good friends. It was start.

5. Don’t beat yourself up if you screw up steps 1-4. It’s counter productive. When I catch myself calling my self stupid for some mistake or other my response now is,“We don’t talk to ourselves like that anymore. What’s something constructive that could actually help solve the problem.”

Most of the time that seems to work. Not always. But more and more Everytime.

I hope any of that made sense.

A few more I’ve learned:

Why do sharks attack?

A lot of arguments I get from people when talking about shark conservation is: “But wait, sharks attack and kill people all the time! They’re violent!” Nope. In fact, the average amount of shark attacks that happen a year is 16, with majority not even being fatal. Like all animals, sharks never attack without a reason.

Your chances of being attacked by a shark are just one in 11.5 million. It is easier to win the lottery, get struck by lightning, killed by a cow, killed by a falling coconut, or get killed by a vending machine than it is to get attacked by a shark.

Here’s a list of things that may cause a shark to check you out or attack you:

What to do if a shark is near you or nibbles on you:

How to fend off an aggressive shark:

It’s said the best way to fend off an attacking shark is hitting it’s head with your fists. While this is one way, it’s not the most effective. Hit these areas instead

Things to remember:

How do I help?

Dream and Reality

Credit: Ashley McMinn

I reblogged this earlier today and i honestly have to reblog it again because AGAIN my mom did some selfish and passive aggressive and she’s trying to feign oblivious innocence.

I needed to read this again.. and AGAIN and AGAIN.

I needed this today

Apparently I needed this again.

AND IF SOMEONE IS TELLING YOU THIS HAPPENS/HAPPENED TO THEM, BELIEVE THEM.

here is my zine for the portland zine symposium. i wanted to make a comic about my experiences being a “”white passing”” black person.