sad blue song

“I have a sick fetish for sorrow, a natural inclination, obsession, with self-torture, and the chaos of it all echoes in my footsteps, as I step on cracks in sidewalks, licking rain from my wrists.”

“Listen to my heartbeat with your stethoscope fingertips, cold like winter iron, hot like your scarf on the very first day, capable of giving me frostbite and burn scars at the same time, until I am all but dripping in the essence of you.”

“But I in my lonesome, want nothing more than someone whose soul might want to spend a little time with mine, waste a little time with mine, without the possibility of sex, but sex somehow, no matter how much I try to escape it, is always there, and in its meaningless nature kills me softly when they leave, and in my alone, I caress my own bones in the pursuit of warmth.”

“I do not see the world at all; I invent it.”

• I will be better.
• I will be gentle with you in times that you feel so stressed because life is becoming heavy in your shoulders.
• I’ll kiss your forehead and hug you when you feel sad and I will not end the day until we’re okay.
• You can tell me anything and I will still look at you the same. You’ll always be my everything.
• I’ll be a good cook and pack you lunch just to make sure you’re eating right.
• I will support you and help you grow. I will be proud of you.
• You’ll have all my love. All of it. I’m gonna be so inlove with you.

“Hey. I don’t know why I’m sending you this because I know you won’t reply. And to be honest, I don’t know if you even get my messages or maybe you do, but maybe you just delete them after you see my contactless number. But I’m doing this anyway. Because I miss you. And something in my stomach is telling me to do this. You need to know that I miss you. I miss you so damn much. And it’s crazy that I think about you every single day. I don’t know how it’s possible, but it’s very true. I wonder if you think of me too, but I try not to get my hopes up. So, I tell myself you’re happier without me just to keep myself sane and stop asking myself why you left me. I don’t know if you’re happy, but I hope you are. I heard you’re getting married… I don’t know how to feel. And I don’t know what to say. I wish you told me yourself instead of me finding out on my own. Why couldn’t you tell me? Are you really that scared? Ashamed? Confused? I wish you'd explain yourself. I don’t know if I should congratulate you or feel sorry for you. I know you love her, but I know you loved me too. Or at least, I know you were falling in love with me– so hard and fast that it made you run away from me. I want to be happy for you, but I can’t do that if I wanted to be the one you’re happy with, but I’m trying. I promise I’m trying. I know we haven’t spoken in over a year and I don’t know how you feel about me anymore. Do I still exist to you? Or do you pretend I’m dead? I was driving home from work today and I heard that one Ultraviolet Sound song I showed you. I wonder if you still have it in your playlist. It made me think of you and all the good times we had. But the memories aren't enough for me. I want you by my side, especially on a night like this when I’m scared and alone with a big house to myself with nobody to share it with. I want to be in your arms again and I want you to tell me something you never got to tell me before you left. I want to hear those words come out of your mouth. Maybe then I’ll finally understand everything. Because all I have are theories of you- theories of us because you were such a quiet person. I know you had trouble expressing your feelings, but I didn’t mind that. In fact, I loved that the most about you because the most quiet people have the most things to say and have the most on their mind. You were so innocent and kind and selfless. I know you never meant to hurt me. You never knew what the right thing to do was. And I know why you left me. I just wish I got a goodbye.”