Not a porn bot!

whoever invented the cover letter got absolutely no pussy

student: i really don’t understand the material. can you explain it?

professor who also doesn’t understand the material: oh haven’t you heard?

Ok, so I was reading this news story:

So far so normal, right? But then:

Like what. And then:

Like, I think Alaska State Trooper Ken Marsh wants to be a romance novelist. 

well would you look at that

One of the best posts

It’s the disco stick

this is making me CRY

#if my therapist had one of these bad boys in his office he could unlock a spectrum of mental disorders only perceptible to shrimp

Mewtwo made the right choice

That time he chucked Mewtwo into a lake

man i hate the allure of a good grilled cheese. you make one and eat it and its so good and perfect, maybe a little bland but in a good way and you instantly think “man that was a really good grilled cheese, im not entirely full yet, maybe i’ll have another…” dont do it. don’t even think about it. it’s the opposite of oreos. you make your second grilled cheese and 3 bites into it you’re so overwhelmed by the monotony. “this isnt nearly as good as the last one” despite being practically identical. The grilled cheese is a sacred food, it must be eaten hot, and quick. A second one only allows you to stew in the memories of the past (your previous cheese) and your nostalgia clouds your mind, creating an epic fail bite in your newest creation of dairy and grain. Show some restraint. 

pandemic or not why do y’all get so close to people in line at the store

so you’re telling me this isn’t actually an SNL sketch and Lil Nas X really did rip his pants dancing on a stripper pole on live television

I miss when electronics came in at least six colors and none of the colors were beige

Why the hell did we stop doing this????

concept: new tumblr glitch that takes you back to the bottom of your dash. the beginning of it all

bro i thought they were referring to him by his astro sign 

self discipline is so hard like. i know the sucker who's in charge...a pushover who hates authority and loves hedonism

Same energy

i think we should stop having "kink at pride" discourse and START having "kink at the 4th of july" discourse. for no reason other than that it would be very funny

“I’m wearing this shibari harness to symbolize America breaking free from the 'bondage' of British rule. The symbolism will be complete later tonight when I take it off and fuck my partner silly with the power of FREEDOM.”

Okay this is so much more well thought out than my immediate thought which was “FIRECRACKER DIRECTLY UP YOUR ASS”

straight men already do that

i think the muppets should preform the passion of the christ but as theyre nailing muppet jesus to the cross it makes squeaky toy noises and theyre using rubber mallets

mrs piggy for the virgin mary. jesus is the only human in the entire movie. gonzo as john the baptist. beaker as lazurus. thers so much to work with here

animal was at the passion of the christ

i know we have the eagle guy as pontius pilate but how do we feel about the two old guys

the penitent and impenitent thieves

statler and woldorf “sinner? i barely know ‘er!” while nailed on a cross tell me you dont want to see that. tell me.

found family but they’re all absolutely horrendous people

This doesn’t surprise me

the fact that the dude’s last name is literally Meth really makes this post