The Feel 012719

I do not feel like living today. I feel like no one is here or there. I am always alone.

My wrist bleed every time I cry. I want things to get better. I want to be better, but no is here.

I want someone to talk too. Someone to help me. No is here.

I wish I could tell you, but you are always away from me. No wonder I kept it from you. You never listened.

I told to one. She is really there. She helps me whenever I am sad. I wish it were you, but it wasn't.

I want to die. So I don't feel pain anymore. No one really tried to understand me. No one did. No one.

Saying 012119

Even just after letting some go. I still have so much more to say.

Honestly, even talking it out only helped for a little and then it just came back all over again.

I feel like everyone is gone and out of touch all over again. No one understood.

Can time ever be given, just like before. I desire for the moments that used to happen.

It seems like everyone is going away. Away from my hands.

No matter how many times I try to let my voice out. It come out. They always keep coming back to me.

I wish the desire I had would come true. My desire to let go of things and never look back.

It won't happen for some time. As time goes by, I'm getting worse. My wishes from head and my desire. I hope they come true soon.

Down 012019

Am I always going to be like this. My emotions and feelings always having to put away, because they ruin everything.

Will these chains that hold weight that I cannot carry, keep adding on. Can I keep going. To find someone that will help me out.

Can I stop crying every night. Over the things that hurt. The only way to let it out, but it won't help. Those cuts on me. Can they stop.

The desperate need to have someone there. Someone to cry on. Someone to hug. Someone to help me through it all.

My life feeling down. My tears running down. My blood running down. My hand writing down. I carry the weight that kills me. I'm dying slowly and painfully.

Hello? 011819

Alone

Again I am.

I just want someone to talk to.

Fill the empty space in me.

I just want to talk about my feeling that I have held onto for to long.

I just want to cry in your arms.

I just want you to comfort me till the end.

Away 011819

They all go away. Do they not like me?. Am I just a bothersome person, that noboy likes?

I feel alone a lot. I never know what to do. I never know who to talk to. I never know what might just happen in the time.

I tend to think a lot. Mostly negative.

I am afraid of being alone. The feeling just keeps hitting harder, does it not.

I wished for many things. I wish for my loneliness to be gone. It is only ever gone when I am with someone I love. There is a timer on everything.

Can I really keep going with my life like this?

Would anybody really care? Would anyone really cry over me? Would anyone really remember me?

I think not, because I just their to just to accompany their life. Did I really mean anything?

Will always keep being this empty? Will I always be this sad? Will I always be this emotional freak? Will I always be like this?

Constantly bottling my feelings up. Thinking it helps, but it does not. I am scared to tell, thinking I will be judged or misunderstood in everyones eyes.

Little Things 011619

Holding onto those precious memories. The memories that you hold tight and close. You never want to forget them, because they mean so much.

Those precious memories you wish could continue on longer, but you realize that things change and so can they.

Compare the past memories and the new memories that you are constantly making, no matter what. Things have changed have they not.

They used to be happy and something you never wanted to let go. Everything changes and just do not know if you can get used to the new ones.

Trying to be perfect, hoping people will see, but you don't want them to see your choices that you make. The pain you went through, yet you need help.

Trying hard to be perfect and make people happy and special. Trying to be like everyone else. Trying to be perfect physically and mentally. Trying ever so hard.

I should be letting go all the bad memories, but yet I haven't. I continue to hold onto to them, even the precious ones too.

I wanna let go of the bad ones, but it is hard too. I don't know how to let it out. I'm scared to have my hands reach out and feel nothing again.

What happens if I try to let my hands reach out. Will they feel something different or nothing again. Will I cry more painful tears again or tears of my bottled feelings.

The Little Things I hold onto.

The bad ones hold me down.

The good ones hold me up and steady.

My negative thinking holding me down further.

The presence holds me up and steady.

Speaking 011519

I want to say something, but whenever I try it won't come out.

My tears are silent, but noticable

My voice is quiet, but noticable

Deeper 011419

All the wounds that have made are getting deeper

I am out of it.

To make others happy, I will hide my emotions. So I won't cause trouble

I will lie about how I feel, because it seems to make everything easier for others.

Let me cry onto you, but you won't

Let me hug, but you are not there

One day, I might not show up

What if it was my last day

Going Away 011119

Oh, how everything you wish for goes away

They painfully leave you

The things I have wished for we're absolutely beautiful and stunning

Are they starting to go away?

I hope they do not

Understanding 011119

I am usually forgotten

I am usually not noticed

I can not really socialize with others

I can not be like others

Falling 010819

Is everything going to fall apart.

Is everything my fault.

Could I now keep up with you.

Could I not make you happy.

Can I keep going on with my life.

Can I keep living my life.

I can't seem to satisfy anyone.

I can't seem to understand what I'm doing wrong.

My life is going down.

My heart is breaking.

But I want to keep living.

But I want to make people happy.

Pushed Away 010719

I have caused nothing, but trouble. This year is not really for me.

I have not been myself lately. I needed someone and they pushed me away.

I have always been less important than anything. No matter what, I have less important and it shows.

I have tried the pain on me. It somewhat helps with everything going on.

I have been crying and crying all day today. Crying in silence. My eyes becoming red, pink, white. Then it starts all over again.

I have no one. They keep telling me, but I do not have anyone here for me. They have pushed me away.

I have nothing.

I have ruined everything.

I am alone.

They all pushed me away. When I needed them to help me get through. I was pushed away. Oh, did I cry many tears.

Even my own lover pushed me away. It is fine. It was my fault, because I kept being a bother towards him and he didn't want to talk to me, but I needed someone to help me. Even if I did bother you all day. I needed help and he was not there for me. It hurts so much for something like that to happen.

This was the first time I tried to have someone help me with my problems, besides Fluffy. Today, was my first and I was pushed away. I kept trying and trying and they pushed me away even farther.

Now, I guess. From now on. I will keep my feelings bottled up, because after today. There is no one there for me. I guess, I really do ruin everyone's mood and day. I ruin everything don't I?

I am getting to the point. The point where I am close. Close to the end. End of life. Life reliving everything again or being in a different world.

Oh What A Hug 010719

Oh, just hold me

Oh, while I cry

Oh, how those years fall out of my eyes

The eyes which have seen been through so much pain.

Oh, let me cry onto you while you help me through

Oh, for I need something there for me

Oh, just hug me, while I cry onto you

Help me get through such hurt and pain

Oh, how I need a hug from you and I'll feel so much better

I just want you to hug me not to loose and not to tight, but just the perfect comfort for me to cry onto you.

Oh, let me cry till I can't cry no more and fall asleep

We may worry about time, but it's okays

As long as I got my tears out of me

The tears that are called as Pain Tears

Afraid 010519

Im scared to be alone. Being alone makes you feel a feeling that nobody wants to feel. I don't want to be alone anymore, yet I still am. Still alone, by myself.

I'm still last place. I hate it a lot. No matter what I was put last. Nobody would care about me. Nobody's cared about me and I get it. I'm not important.

I've cried many nights to myself to make me sleep. Trying to sleep without the empty feeling in me. I've lived with the empty feeling for my entire life.

Being last place is hard. I don't know how long I can take it. The empty feeling starts to eat you up and you don't know it. You'll feel worse and worse.

It may seem like things have gotten better, but they haven't. Nothing is the same. I do live in the past. They say don't, but I do. Those memories value me.

Spent 123118

I spent New Year's Eve and New Year's by myself again. I was with family, but maybe I wanted to spend it with someone special. Someone that I really love truly to my heart.

I found my lover this year, but yet we didn't spend the holidays together. I understand he's always busy, but it would be nice if you spent time with me. I don't like feeling alone. I thought that once I met you and we confessed to each other, accepting one another. I wouldn't be so lonely.

Hopefully next year, we'll spend more time together and my love for you stays between just only us forever. Maybe, I'll start to feel better and won't feel so lonely anymore like the past.

Alone 123018

I'm alone most of the time. I don't have many friends, but I have friends. I spend a lot of time by myself. It's fine if people put me last. I'm used to it a lot. I do hate it. I wish my life wasn't like this. I value my time with people who are special to me. It's fine of they put me last too, because used to it.

I'm alone most of the time. I wish I could be something special to someone, but I don't think it'll happen, because people who are last are never special nor important to anyone. Time with the last person isn't something people value. I'll be fine I guess, but not really.

Life goes on 122518

People come and take their leaves when it's unexpected. It happens all the time. Most if the time there noticable, and sometimes there not. That special someone may one day just leave or disappear from your fragile heart that lyes deep inside of you.

Having the freedom you wanted. So, yet be crushed on the same day. You don't know why. The pain on your chest as it tightens and makes you feel empty, lonely as you think that you never will be like others, and the overcoming sadness of the truth of everything.

You think about it every day. You think about it sometimes, when you feel lonely, empty, sad, and guilty. Any one of those feelings, will make you think about it. It hurts a lot. Knowing everything. Knowing that you can't change it, because you don't want to be like that, yet you do.

People will always put other things first. It's the world we live in. Maybe, just maybe, one day things in a new life will be different than this world that we live in.

Little by Little 122418

I've always noticed that I lived not a up living life like others. Being social like others, being able to have things like others, being able to have interest like others.

I really do hate my life, because it's filled with so many negative emotions and feelings. Oh, so only very few are positive. So, I'm glad I have them, but sometimes they can turn negative.

Like people, sometimes you want things to back. That special someone who used to text you all the time, bow doesn't have time for you anymore, because they have something more important to tend to other than you. It's painful leaving a hole in you, making you feel empty.

In a world we live in, people will never amount to an object. People will constantly but objects first, because sometimes you can't ever amount to an object

Crushed 122418

It's hard to come to admit that people just don't want to spend time with you. You realize that you are more important than game or not even close friends. It's a painful feeling. It's like you're being left outside of everything. The special person you cherish so much. Turns out they don't have time for you because right now they want to do something else and not spend time with you. You tell yourself "it's fine I'm fine" over and over again when it's not. It makes you mad and sad, but you don't say anything because you're afraid to speak up and tell your problems to them. You don't want then to feel bad. So you keep quiet.

Fine 121418

Telling yourself that you'll be okay. Even though you won't be. You cry just a little bit, because you think and think. Telling yourself that you can't be. You know you can't, but it's okay. You'll lie to yourself and say "I'm fine" "I am fine" "I'll be okay" "I will be okay". Repeatedly saying those words in your head. To keep yourself from crying anymore. You don't want people to worry about you, because you know you are not important, but they are and always will be.