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“It’s a big deal. Friendship is a big deal!”

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How to Live With Roommates Without Losing Your Sanity

1. Focus on hunting for roommates, not apartments. Your roommates are going to be some of the most important relationships in your entire life. These people will know all your weird quirks and secrets. They’ll know that you like to put ketchup on your ice cream, they’ll know exactly how often you bring home cute strangers from the bar, and they will know exactly what it sounds like when you do your best Rihanna impression in the shower. Having roommates is the closest you can come to being married without having to shop for a ring, but most of us spend less time choosing potential roommates than we do choosing one-night-stands on Tinder. When we shop for apartments, we mostly focus on the features of the apartments themselves, and not the other people who live in them. This is a huge mistake. Whether or not you have an extra 30 square feet of floor space or an automatic dishwasher is not going to have nearly the same impact on your quality of life as whether or not your roommate displays human compassion and pays their bills on time. Focus on the roommates. 

2. Don’t assume that a good friend will make a good roommate. When you’re looking for a roommate, it’s really tempting to turn to a random buddy of yours and decide that the two of you should live together, because you both share a deep love of getting high and watching Great British Bake Off. Don’t do this. Or at the very least, think long and hard about whether you and your friend are actually compatible roommates - some of the worst roommate horror stories happen when you move in with a dear friend, only to realize that they are a slovenly human being who grates on your nerves. Friend-roommates are much more likely to feel comfortable using your things without asking or being late on their bills, and it’s harder to tell your friend to get their shit together than it is to say the same thing to a roommate you don’t know as well. Tread carefully.  3. Don’t pretend to be something you’re not when you’re looking for roommates. My university has a database of graduate students looking for roommates, and every single one of the 600+ people listed on it has indicated that they are “neat” or “very neat”. I can guarantee that that’s complete bullshit. There’s not a chance that there are zero messy people in a group of 600+ academics in their early 20s, and you can’t hide that part of yourself forever. When you’re looking for roommates, it can be really tempting to say what you think people want to hear - that you make absolutely zero noise, that you never come home drunk, and that you spend all your free time scrubbing. Put your best foot forward, but be realistic - it’s okay to say “I keep common areas clean, but my own bedroom is usually a little cluttered”. Be honest. 4. Make a chore chart. This seems like an incredibly juvenile thing to do, but it can really help keep things running smoothly. Decide as a group how often you think certain chores need to be done, and how you’re going to get them done. If one of you would prefer to always clean the bathroom and the other to always do the floors, great. If you’d prefer to rotate all the chores, great. Just find an arrangement that feels fair, and keeps the apartment at a level of cleanliness you can all live with. Without a chart, it often falls to one person to keep the apartment from turning into a toxic waste dump, and that can lead to a lot of resentment. Make a schedule, and stick to it.  5. Decide how you are going to split shared costs. Unless you plan on hoarding your own toilet paper in your bedroom, you and your roommates are going to be sharing a lot of things - dish soap, cleaning products, paper towels, even silly things like salt and pepper. How are you going to pay for those costs in a way that’s fair? Is it okay for one roommate to go out and buy things on their own and then ask for reimbursement? Do they have to ask first? Some households keep a jar that everyone puts money into weekly, and the money all goes to shared costs - that’s a fair solution that can work well for everyone.  6. Discuss important needs and rules right at the start of the arrangement. It’s much better to get all the really fundamental things out in the open on Day One - it’s more comfortable for everyone if you can avoid issues, rather than apologize for them later. I have a severe shellfish allergy; I had to make it clear to my roommates from the start that they had to use extreme caution if they brought shellfish into the apartment. It was better to discuss that in advance than have them find out by putting me in the hospital. One of my roommates is a very light sleeper, and needs the rest of us not to bang pots and pans around in the kitchen after a certain hour - the rest of us respect that so she can wake up on time for work. Lay out your needs right from the start, instead of allowing annoyances to fester into an argument. 

7. Learn to pick your battles. Occasionally, you are going to want to murder at least one of your roommates. That’s just what happens when you live in close quarters with other human beings. Maybe they eat your leftovers, or leave hair in the shower, or track mud across the floors you just cleaned. It’s tempting to seek out swift retribution and justice every time your roommate wrongs you, but constantly picking at your roommate for small annoyances is going to make your household tense and hostile fairly quickly. When your roommate leaves wet towels on the floor, take a deep breath, and ask yourself whether it’s really easier to angrily confront your roommate, or just pick the towels up yourself. Obviously if there’s an ongoing pattern, things should be addressed, but everyone has occasional bad days and forgetful moments. Try to cut them some slack. 

8. Set rules for overnight guests. Everyone has a horror story about a roommate whose significant other just casually moved in and started taking over the household without washing a single dish or contributing a cent. Decide in advance what the rules are for overnight guests. How often can you have them? How long can someone stay before they have to start pitching in? How far in advance do you have to notify your roommates that someone is coming? My best friend used to live with a roommate who frequently gave out copies of their keys to people she’d dated for less than two weeks, which is a fantastic way to make yourself the victim of a home invasion. What are the rules on making keys for someone? The clearer these expectations are, the less likely you are to be surprised by an unwanted extra roommate.  9. Don’t confront a roommate about a problem when you’re worked up. If you need to talk to your roommate about a problem you’re having with them, don’t do it when you’re angry enough to shove them off the fire escape. Give yourself time to calm down - go for a walk, be alone in your room for a while, get out with some friends, sleep on the problem overnight. Wait until you and your roommate are both feeling calm and have free time for a heart-to-heart discussion. You’re much more likely to have a difficult (but useful) conversation that ends in some kind of compromise, rather than an all-out brawl that ends in broken dishes.  10. Hang out with your roommates from time to time. Find things you can do together. Watch a TV show together. Go out to a bar now and then, if that’s your thing. Cook a meal and sit down for dinner as a group. It’s a lot easier to deal with another person’s quirks if you actually like them as a person. Take some time out from your busy week to bond and build a positive relationship. Ask your roommates about their lives, and keep up with what’s going on with them. Your roommates are like a second family, and you’re more likely to have a happy household when you take the time to show each other that you care. 

HOW TO MANAGE JEALOUSY IN RELATIONSHIPS

Jealousy is one of those emotions that’s hard to pin down. It’s part anger, part fear, and it can be entirely bad for relationships if it gets out of hand. Don’t get me wrong - it’s natural to feel a pang of jealousy if your partner is talking to an attractive guy or girl. But there are limits.

When jealousy becomes a problem is when we let it control us. If you feel overwhelming sadness, hurt, anger and anxiety whenever your partner pays attention to someone else, it’s a problem. If you find yourself fighting with your partner over jealousy, it’s a problem. And if you’re at the point where you’re invading your partner’s privacy or forbidding them from seeing friends, then it is definitely a problem. 

Learning to control jealousy is a skill that needs to be practiced over time, and I know it can be especially difficult if you’ve been betrayed before, but it’s a skill that’s worth mastering. Here’s a quick 5-step guide to get you started:

1. Separate jealous feelings from actions. It is okay to FEEL jealous, deep inside you. It is not okay to ACT jealous. When you act on your jealousies - by snooping on your partner, demanding to know their whereabouts at all times, or confronting your perceived romantic rival - your relationship will suffer, and it will make the jealousy worse.  When you feel jealous, keep a close eye on your behaviour. Ask yourself “Am I about to say or do this thing because of jealousy?”. Isolating the feelings is the first step to improving your relationship, and resolving the issue.

2. Think about the root of the problem. Jealousy doesn’t come out of nowhere - it comes from things that, deep down, we feel insecure about. And we all have things we feel insecure about. I’ve got pretty nice boobs. I don’t think my boyfriend could find a girl that can out-boob me. No jealousy there. But I feel insecure about my weight, and the ugly green dragon starts to rear its head when he notices a skinnier girl.  Instead of barring our partners from ever interacting with people who have the things we feel insecure about - clear skin, nice bodies, thick hair, etc - it’s important to address our own insecurities. Speak more kindly to yourself. Learn to love and accept your body. List off the things that make you feel good about yourself. It’s not easy to address the root of the problem, but it’s important. 

3. Take a moment to think about the good things in your relationship. For some people, jealousy is so overpowering that they feel physically ill when their partner is hanging out with someone else. Jealousy can make you worry that your partner has fallen out of love with you, or that the relationship is doomed; neither of those is a good thing to have rattling around in your brain. 

When you feel yourself starting to doubt the relationship, step back and think about the good things in your relationship. Think about all the times you’ve had fun with your partner. The kind things you do for each other. The inside jokes you have. The secrets you tell each other. Remember that your partner hanging out with someone else does not mean that they want to get rid of all those good things; they just have other friends. 

4. Communicate with your partner. If jealousy is an ongoing problem for you - even if you don’t let it show - talk to your partner about it. This doesn’t mean that you should guilt-trip them, or tell them what they can and can’t do. Simply explain to your partner that you struggle sometimes, tell them how you feel, and tell them the kinds of things you are doing to manage it.  Communication is vital for any healthy relationship, and it helps both of you to stay on the same page. If you get upset the fifth time your partner accepts a call from their ex, from their point of view, it came out of nowhere. Being honest about your struggles with jealousy keeps both of you in the loop, and turns it into a problem you can work on together.

5. Don’t feed your jealousy. This means no spying on your partner, and definitely no snooping through their personal messages or email. Doing that sort of thing is an unfair invasion of their privacy, and it’ll only lead to more jealousy, and more controlling behaviour.  The best way to learn to manage your jealousy is to not give in to it. The first time your partner hangs out with a friend of their preferred gender, it might be a little tough. But each time it happens, and the relationship stays strong, it gets a little easier to trust in your partner and the relationship. For both of your sake, starve that jealousy - do not feed it. 

This is how you date.

1. Treat your significant other with respect. This is key. This is essential, and this is way overlooked. When they are in the car with you and they are playing their favorite music, don’t, DON’T YOU DARE tell them their music sucks or that you’re “sick of listening to this shitty music”. Let them be happy. Let them smile. If they are into watching a show that you just can’t get into, don’t insult it. Don’t put a person down just because you don’t get it. Watch the happiness int their eyes as they watch and listen to things they love. You’ll watch that disappear after you chose to insult their likes.

2. Talk. Communicate. Share memories. Share stories. Share songs that make you believe in love. Share movies that inspire you. Tell them what’s going on. You failed your test? lets talk about it. You’re mad at your mom? Why? Talk about your past, but don’t forget to ask what they hope for in the future. 

3. Establish a good relationship to the people that they are close to. Meet their family. Hang out with their siblings. Be friends with their friends. Take their dog on a walk around the neighborhood with them. 

4. GO ON DATES. This is underrated but essential. Take them places. Go on adventures. Take them to dinner. Go do something fun. Show them off. That’s your person, embrace it. Hold their hand at the mall. Cuddle them close at a scary movie. Kiss their forehead at the park. Walk hand in hand at the beach. Compete against each other in laser tag. Go to a drive in movie theater to do something new. 

5. But also take those nights in too. Cuddle up and watch a movie on netflix. Kiss while you’re playing a video game. See who’s more strategic at a game of chess. Laugh as you play a game of jenga and the entire thing falls down. Bake cookies and sing and dance to your favorite songs. Sure, going out and having something to do is fun, but nights in with your babe are irreplaceable. They aren’t boring if you don’t make it boring, or if worst comes to worst, be bored together. 

6. Help them grow. Don’t judge them. Everybody is different. If they are having a hard time in school, don’t yell at them, but encourage them to do better. Be there as a helping hand and a good influence to help guide them. People get lost sometimes, and it’s important that if they feel lost, they do not feel alone. Support their decisions even if the career they want doesn’t make $80,000/year.

7. Don’t compare them to other people. Do not say that you regretted choosing them over somebody else. That hurts, and when you hurt somebody in that kind of way you’ll never get the same person back. Don’t talk up somebody of the opposite gender to make them sound better than you’re boyfriend/girlfriend. Make your bf/gf feel most important. 

8. Show affection. It’s not  old school. It’s not gross. It’s not over done. It makes the relationship. Make your boyfriend/girlfriend feel happy to be with you. Make them smile. Make them laugh. Make them blush. Give them compliments often so they don’t question their worth to you. If they are important make them and their feelings a priority. Don’t be afraid to hold their hand or kiss their cheek if somebody is watching. Don’t underestimate the power of appreication, because it goes a long way. Issues in a relationship will disappear if you remind them of the little things you like about them. Build them up. That’s your baby. Never be afraid to make them feel good.

9. That’s your boy/girl. Period. Don’t leave room for the opportunity to make somebody else make them feel better than you do. Don’t let another man tell your girl she looks beautiful today before you tell her. And ladies, don’t let another girl have the opportunity to tell your man how sexy his new haircut looks before you do. 

10. Lastly, love them unconditionally. Love them even if they break down and cry sometimes. Be there and calm them down during an anxiety attack. Be there for them at 2 in the morning when they’re falling apart and need somebody to talk to, but be there for them when its 3pm and they love thier life. Love them even if they sing a little loud in the shower. Love them even if they find stupid tings entertaining for funny. Love them if they need help with homework. Love them if they fail a class because they don’t know what they are doing. Encourage better, but don’t not love them because of it. They are hard enough on themselves, especially those who have a hard time loving them self. Love them. Love them even if they overslept and missed church on Sunday morning. Love them even if you’re fighting. Love them if their hair is a mess. Love them in the morning before they put make up on or btrushed their hair or teeth. Love them even if they accidentally burn the toast in the morning. Love them when they don’t love themself. Love them if they get a speeding ticket. Love them and give them everything you have. Love with your whole heart or not at all. 

And this, is how you should be when you date somebody.

good movies for rainy days or anytime you’d like:

- Before Sunrise (1995)

- Before Sunset (2004)

- Before Midnight (2013)

- Scream (1996)

- Closer (2004)

- The Notebook (2004)

- Donnie Darko (2001)

- The Goonies (1985)

- The Breakfast Club (1985)

- Point Break (1991)

- Top Gun (1986)

- Stand by Me (1986)

- Fight Club (1999)

- The Departed (2006)

- Cruel Intentions (1999)

- Pulp Fiction (1994)

- American Psycho (2000)

- Inception (2010)

- Sixteen Candles (1984)

- Submarine (2010)

- Clueless (1995)

- The Blue Lagoon (1980)

- American Beauty (1999)

- The Usual Suspects (1995)

- Romeo + Juliet (1996)

- Harry Potter series (2001-2011)

- Labyrinth (1986)

- The Parent Trap (1998)

- Seven (1995)

- The Craft (1996)

- Titanic (1997)

- Love Rosie (2014)

- Grease (1978)

- The Lost Boys (1987)

- Xanadu (1980)

- Mamma Mia! (2008)

- Heathers (1988)

- Dead Calm (1989)

- The Princess Bride (1987)

- Dirty Dancing (1987)

- Ferris Buellers Day Off (1986)

- Bring It On (2000)

- Leon: The Professional (1994)

- Shutter Island (2010)

- Tuck Everlasting (2002)

- Lord of the Rings trilogy (2001-2003)

- Pride and Prejudice (2005)

- Pretty Woman (1990)

- The Place Beyond the Pines (2012)

- Keith (2008)

- Nocturnal Animals (2016)

- Oblivion (2013)

- Me, and Earl, and the dying girl (2015)

- Silence of the Lambs (1991)

- Red Dragon (2002)

- 10 things I Hate about you (1999)

- The Secret World of Arrietty (2010)

- 500 Days of Summer (2009)

- My Neighbour Totoro (1988)

- The Sixth Sense (1999)

- The Village (2004)

- Indiana Jones series (1981-2008)

- Pocahontas (1995)

- Bridge to Terabithia (2007)

- Blade Runner (1982)

- Footloose (1984)

- The Basketball Diaries (1995)

- Swiss Family Robinson (1960)

- Vanilla Sky (2001)

- the Virgin Suicides (1999)

- Prisoners (2013)

- Sleepless in Seattle (1993)

- Brokeback Mountain (2005)

- Minority Report (2002)

- Big Trouble in Little China (1986)

- Spirited Away (2001)

- Howl’s Moving Castle (2004)

- Pan’s Labyrinth (2006)

- Alien (1979)

- Jaws (1975)

- Aquamarine (2006)

- Allied (2016)

- Palo Alto (2013)

- My Girl (1991)

- Interstellar (2014)

- Malibus Most Wanted (2003)

- Jamón Jamón (1992)

- Flatliners (1990)

- Pretty in Pink (1986)

- Dazed and Confused (1993)

- How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days (2003)

- The Secret of Moonacre (2008)

- Star Wars trilogy (1977-1983)

- When Harry met Sally (1989)

- Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)

- Black Swan (2010)

- Call Me by Your Name (2017)

- The Dreamers (2003)

- Good Will Hunting (1997)

- Dead Poets Society (1989)

- The Grand Budapest Hotel (2014)

- The Shining (1980)

- Trainspotting (1996)

- The Notebook (2004)

- Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again (2018)

- Mulan (1998)

- Narnia (2005)

- Dunkirk (2017)

- The Perks of Being a Wallflower (2012)

- Breath (2017)

- Lady Bird (2017)

- Jane Eyre (2011)

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