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Nintendo in the Ukiyo-e style made by Jed Henry

Source: thejedhenry.deviantart.com

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newyorksjojo

nevernosbest

sludgeling

Long time no see Butchy-poo!

Today!

Why won’t you die?!

If it bites you and you die, it’s venomous. If you bite it and die, it’s poisonous.

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satanicdoki-deactivated20200820

👑🔪🥩

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cerastes

Alright, look, you KNOW I love the Belmonts, I love them like they are my family, but you gotta give shoutouts to non-Belmont protags too because they ragdoll just as much vampire ass.

PLEASE give a round of applause to my boy Hector from Castlevania: Curse of Darkness AKA the most successful Disney Princess to ever piledrive Dracula headfirst into the announcer’s table.

You think I’m tugging on your leg sleeve, mother fucker? Hector was Snow White except with less apples and more Kung Fu. Born to an alchemist, Hector was weird, ‘cause fucking animals LOVED this guy. It’s not that Hector was a horse girl, horses were Hector Animals. If Hector looked at his cat and asked to come to his room, the cat would come and stay in the room, damn it, what a hero. People were obviously really weirded out and likely jealous of his Extreme Dog Affinity, so they ostracized him and Hector had a really shitty childhood as a result. You know how Disney Animals will, like, dress up Disney Princesses, and help them dress, ventilate the bed sheets, do their algebra homework and all that shit? Ok so Hector had the same draw with animals, except, as I said before, with more Kung Fu, so what they did was burn the fuck out of the village’s church one day to save him from the humans’ bullying one day (they were being shitheads to him), and they told him, “Hey, HEY, Hector, you’re swell as hell, leave these DORKS and come hang out in the DARK, we know a place where people will accept you,” and as any kid too good with animals and too bad with people, my boy Hector was fucking starved for some of that Contact, so he was like YEAH WOODLAND CRITTERS, LEAD THE WAY.

And they brought him to fucking Dracula’s Castle, god damn squirrels, sons of bitches, what the fuck.

But hey, the trip had already been made, so he went in, and it turns out, when your whole life has been Shit.mp4 - The Experience, the Lord Of Darkness is a pretty good alternative, and he met another weird kid named Isaac, and together they became Devil Forgemasters, which is surprisingly NOT a garage metal band name but an actual rank under Bad Vlad. Hector and Isaac were so good at Deviling Forging Mastering that they were considered equals with Grim Gregory “Death Itself” Reaper in terms of power, with Hector himself being considered Dracula’s strongest general, holy double fucking shit, that’s a big belt to carry. That’s like being Satan’s back up dancer.

So Big D was like, ok, now go and destroy Wallachia, because a Belmont (Trevor) was coming, to which Hector responded with “wh” and then realized, oh, Drac’s, uh, Drac’s kinda a bad guy. So he was like “No” and then said “Yes”, but LIED and killed his whole entire entourage of demons and escaped Dracula’s castle and service because what the fuck, Hector wanted APPROVAL and LOVE, not ORDERS FOR MASS MURDER. So he skedaddled into a Church, the only place holy enough where his Immense Power could be contained and concealed from Dracula. This resulted in Dracula not being able to sense his Ki, and so he got UNDERSTANDABLY WORRIED, because your Strongest General’s Ki just disappearing is weird. Trevor had not yet arrived to Wallachia, so this was VERY WEIRD. “Weaker Hector,” Dracula sneered, addressing Isaac. “Go and look for Hector with these dudes, I’m kinda worried he might be dead or a traitor”.

So Isaac went to look for his fellow Demon Hammerer, and while neither he nor his demon friends could sense his Ki anywhere, one of the dudes Isaac had in his entourage, a werewolf, was able to find Hector by scent. “I smell… I smell… The goodest boy!” the werewolf bellowed, and broke into a sprint in Hector’s direction. And unfortunately for him, he found Hector. Obviously, by “him”, I mean the werewolf, because the moment he was found, Hector was like “well no point hiding my power anymore” and just fucking eradicated the werewolf with like two fingers. This did mean, however, that Weaker Hector could now sense him, and he was like “hey hey why the FUCK did you betray us” and Hector was like “well see killing people is bad dude” and Weaker Hector was like “Ok I am under express orders to bring you back or at least report to Dracula about your possible betrayal, but I’m gonna kill you because I have ABANDONMENT ISSUES and if I kill you, Dracula’s finally gonna approve of me” and Hector was like Tiger Uppercut because he doesn’t talk he FUCKING KICKS ASS.

But while Hector and Weaker Hector were playing neutral, Trevor, the fucking madman, alongside his friends Sypha, Alucard, and Grant, absolutely fucking clowned on Dracula and destroyed Castle Vania, and Weaker Hector was like “oh” and then intended to say “this is super your fault” but Hector delivered sixty seven punches for every syllable he wanted to say and defeated Weaker Hector, leaving him for death like the bitch he was.

BUT HE WAS NOT DEATH, and Weaker Hector was just spying on Hector while he lived on the village with his cute girlfriend Rosaly and the rest of the people there (who liked him! Children included! Yay!) and Hector was like “hey, maybe I don’t need Antichrist powers to be accepted by others :)”

BUT HE WAS WRONG BECAUSE Weaker Hector was just LETTING him be happy for a while only so it would hurt more when he finally decided to make him suffer, a bitter bitch feat that earns Isaac back his name in this narrative. Three years pass, and Rosaly was on town, being a cute nun, selling apples, when Isaac just told everyone she was selling poisoned apples, and he rolled a natural 40 because they apparently believed him so hard they burned her as a witch on the fucking spot, what the fuck, you DO need Antichrist powers, why do humans fucking suck so much in the Castlevania universe, fuck.

So Hector is like “My cute gf is late :) I’m gonna go pick her up at town :)” and then he found her burned at the stake and was like “oh :(” which then turned into “oh >:(” and so he correctly assumed Some Dracula Loving Fuck was behind this, so he went to the Abandoned Castle AKA the place that left utterly wrecked after Trevor Belmont was done shoving his huge dick inside of when killing Dracula some years ago and was like “I want answers >:(” and Isaac was like “I GOT THEM” and that’s where the video game, Castlevania: Curse of Darkness, begins, a story about Hector being better than Isaac in every single aspect and just utterly fucking annihilating him in combat, just throwing him side to side, making him kiss every fucking corner of the room with swollen lips, force-feeding him the most greasy of knuckle sandwiches, and then looking at the obviously-about-to-revive-Dracula and saying “You Are So Fucking Next >:(”.

So now you gotta go and play the PlayStation 2 Video Game Castlevania: Curse of Darkness, a game about knuckle sandwiches, stealing, and Isaac eating shit.