Trash Blog

(source)

i’d like to point out that when i made this post, all of these comments were at the top, but now if you look at the thread they’ve been replaced by completely different comments 

so please, for the love of god, look at the source link this thread is a neverending source of entertainment. people have added so much fucking shit since i made this

I was proctoring an exam for a student today while reading these, and I had to stop because I got to this one and almost fucking died

these are making my day

Okay, this one’s killing me:

unexpected pregnancy fanfic but the person just gets an abortion and it ends

Zootopia

One of my favorite thing I’ve learned about animals studies is that you should avoid using colorful leg bands when you’re banding birds because you can accidentally completely skew the data because female birds prefer males with colorful bands

Apparently if you put a red band on a male red wing blackbird his harem size can double

So like you can completely frick up the natural reproduction of a group of birds by giving a guy a bracelet so stylish that females CANNOT resist him

Me, putting a red bracelet on the leg of a male red wing blackbird: ON GOD we gonna get u some pussy bro

I remember reading a study where researchers realized that female birds of a certain species preferred males with a darker breast. So they created what they literally called a “Super-Sexy Male” by catching a male and coloring his chest with a marker. They then ran dna tests on the eggs in the area.

Previously when the researchers had run these tests, they found a certain amount of infidelity was common for these birds. Somewhere around 10% of eggs were fathered by males who were not the primary mates of females.

After the advent of the Super Sexy Male, however, stuff got crazy in bird world. Infidelity skyrocketed, with upwards of 25% of ALL EGGS in the area being fathered by this specific male. Furthermore, his mate’s eggs were 100% his.

This is just insane to me. Just imagine you’re living your bird life when suddenly somebody scribbles on Dave’s chest and the ladies can’t stop throwing themselves at them. It’s stupid that we theoretically can wreck this kind of havoc on an ecosystem.

via @elytrians

yeah

Working in retail be like

THIS IS IT THIS IS THE VIDEO I WAS LOOKING FOR

and it’s like this every day. like, Every. Day.

i love when people are like “Oh my god, I couldn’t possibly imagine being asexual, how sad, you’re missing so much…” Bitch!!! You know what’s sad? Being gluten intolerant. If you placed two pills in front of me right now, one which would turn me allosexual and one which would enable me to tear into a freshly-baked oven-warm olive-and-rosemary ciabatta without utterly destroying my body, it would not even be a choice. “hyuhhh-duhhhh aren’t you worried you’ll die alone” aren’t you worried i’ll just launch myself over the bakery counter in our local grocery store one day and stuff croissants in my mouth like a starving racoon til i die and the whole place has to be closed down as a health risk while they peel my bloated body off the linoleum floor? You should be

apparently no one was paying attention in middle school language arts when we learned what a fucking protagonist was

i forgot the word for someone who demolishes buildings for a living and my brain wouldn't stop suggesting "homewrecker" to me which is. NOT what i meant

*fucks your wife and then blows up your house* my work here is done

ok? but who is winning in a FIGHT this isn’t about personality. Who is gonna WIN in fisty cuffs ?

Angelica can’t fucking fight. The only girl she’s ever scalped was Cynthia, and that’s cause she’s inanimate.

Angelica just acts hard cause she’s around literal babies all the time who can’t challenge her, that’s why she got her life snatched when Susie came around. DW on the other hand is about that life, she’s the youngest and smallest and still nobody fucks with her.

OOHHHHH sopranos like the singers

HBO’s Sopranos: hark at the ducks 🦆 give zero fucks 🦆 in Tony’s pool 🦆 pasta fazool 🍝

altos: bada biNg 🔫 bada boOm 🔫 bada biNg 🔫 bada boOm 🔫

this website is a goddamn national treasure

love the trope where an authoritative side character pointedly pretends not to help the hero they’re not supposed to be helping by saying shit like “well I can’t just let you wander around up to the THIRD FLOOR where you could just FIND THE THING YOU NEED in the FIRST ROOM ON THE LEFT. And under no circumstances should you USE THE KEY FROM UNDER THE MAT. I wish I could help you, but I CAN’T. Now excuse me, I need to take this phone call for the next 37 minutes EXACTLY.”

My doctor did that for me once. I had to get an expensive brain scan and she was like ‘do you smoke?’ and I was like ‘no’ and she was like “well that’s a pity because the government will pay for this expensive brain scan if you had been a smoker so - do you smoke?” 🤣🤣🤣 I was like ‘yes’ and she’s like ‘oh wow then this scan will be free’

once you view the block button not as a furious silencing tactic but as a tool to personalize your social media experience...then you will be free

Use it as often as needed, and without second guessing. I guarantee it has been used on you before by people you have never even met for no reason at all.

A large part of housecat vocalisation toward humans isn’t goal-directed communication, but rather, affiliative signaling: a simple call-and-response protocol which establishes that the participants are part of the same social unit. Amongst themselves, most housecat affiliative signaling is non-vocal, but humans aren’t really physiologically equipped to respond to such signalling in a feline fashion, and cats, well, they’re adaptable.

Which is to say that when your cat yells, and you yell back, so the cat yells again, and so forth, what you’re really saying to each other is “hiiiiii~”.

you know how when you marry someone with a title, a lot of the time you also gain that title??? like. becoming a princess because you married the prince.

by that logic does marrying a wizard make you a wizard as well

i’ve met a lot of wizards who say it doesn’t work like that because wizard is like doctor

“i didn’t go to wizard school for ten years to be called MR. EVIL.”

sorcerers do work like that though if you marry a sorcerer you also become a sorcerer

I really hope that at some point people take fatphobia seriously enough to address it in themselves and in their social circles.

Fat people face unchecked discrimination in everything from basic healthcare, to hiring, to literal incarceration and very few thin people bother to think about this or take it seriously because they’d rather enjoy feeling superior than even recognise an injustice they don’t face.

And honestly even if there weren’t study after study demonstrating active discrimination against fat people in our society, just the interpersonal cruelties and exclusion alone would be worth addressing.

Start taking this fatphobia and body policing seriously. Fat people deserve inclusion and respect, as they are now, without proving to anyone that they’re trying to not be fat, or that their fucking cholesterol levels are low, or whatever the fuck else. 

Human beings facing a fucking size limit for being respected and cared for is a feminist issue.

I am OBSESSED with people telling me how they met the love of their life. Just found out my director met his wife through a misdirected email - that’s fate right there.

“I saw her last name was Jewish - and I’m Jewish, so when I corrected the email I told her Shabbat Shalom with a smiley face — this was the very beginning of the emoticon era, you understand. She had a watermark of a dog rescue at the bottom of her email, and I love dogs, so I found her website and there she was — all these videos of her rehabilitating dogs and talking about the organization. I fell in love with her just from those videos.”

“I asked if we could meet for coffee, told her I was looking for volunteer opportunities — which was halfway a lie — and she said ‘okay, but just so you know I have a boyfriend, so this is strictly business,’ and I was so disappointed, but I did want to meet her. We sat in that coffeeshop until they turned the lights out on us, and she broke up with her boyfriend the next day.”

MULTIPLE people in the notes have told me how important these tags are to them so here’s to keeping it in the main post.

ID: a sketchy two page comic of my tortoiseshell kittens, Maggie and Bunny.

From off panel, I hold my hands out to Maggie, who leans away

Me: Aw, Maggie doesn't wanna come up?

Maggie: Mother I am not a child.

Me: You're ten months old.

Maggie: I am a warrior.

Bunny pops up from behind her sister.

Bunny: I'm not! I'm baby <3

I scoop Bunny up while Maggie watches in shock and confusion.

Me: Aw, yes you are, Bunny. Who's my sweet baby?

Maggie flops on her back and shows her tummy. She has big blobby tears in her eyes.

Maggie: Mommy??? Betrayal?? You abandon your baby?? Your Darling Girl?? Your little Maggie-Pie?!?

End ID.

Maggie is a strong, independant kitten, so long as you never pay attention to anyone else, ever.

The fact that Twitter allows porn but not public death threats and tumblr allows public death threats but not porn is objectively funny and the fact that a large portion of us chose the latter over the former is objectively funnier