try different gauges. insulin ones, 30-29-27g. some orange ones, 25g. (i don’t plan on buying gauges lower then 25orange, so no blue ones, since i feel like my veins are tiny and hidden.) (bigger g, easier to tell when in a vein, easier to register, easier,faster,and larger amount to inject.) smaller gauge, might be easier, less damage to vein, less likely to miss, completely depends, i don’t know what i prefer yes but i think smaller ones. i’ll try different gauges but after that i’ll decide what i want to use for my od shot in my easiest spot to iv. it’ll probably be an orange 25g one, not a tiny gauge needle. since it isn’t difficult then why use a tiny one and slow down the dose when it’s my last dose. going to also buy a a bigger syringe for my final shot, like a 2 or 3 ml one. though i doubt that’ll be needed but i’d rather overdo it.
i want to die. starving is the only thing that keeps me sane. my face is falling and i can feel it. where is it going? does it really matter? what matters is that it’s going. no, not even that matters. the only thing that matters is how to stop it all. starving makes it all better and then worse and then better but in the end ,always, better. I do not want to feel my body at all. i do not want to feel anything ever. i do not know where to put my tounge. i hate my mouth. i hate my mouth. i hate feeling my mouth. i hate feeling my face. i hate feeling my body. but i think what i hate most of all right now is my mouth. my face. the lower part of my face hurts. and i hate it. i hate the lower part of my face the most. because it is broken. it is not mine anymore.
time to starve and prepare. prepare what i wish and what i wish and a deathwish. i am so very fat, i am so very huge.
i’m so ashamed of my disorder.
i just got the fuck out need to lose will see him
lmao my parents are cunts
Tonight i felt pitied but cared for. And completely alone, as usual. Alienation.
I don’t want any friends. If i would stay alive, i wouldn’t want any friends. And the remaining time that i have, i don’t want any friends. To be more correct; I don’t want to interact with anyone. I hate everyone too much. I hate myself to much. I feel too unworthy as a person, too ugly. As for people, they make me feel. They can make feel a variety of negative emotions, emotions that i feel just fine on my own but these emotions become intensified when around others. I just want to be left alone and it angers me that i am surrounded by people who would think of all of this as something that’s not normal not okay unhealthy needs change everything must change you must improve. There is help and you will accept the help. All i can do is keep my mouth shut. Agree. Speak truth, your feelings, who you are– unheard, misunderstood, dismissed, belittled, seen as troubled straight away without having listened to what i said. Followed by feeling more alone more misunderstood more upset more hateful. Shut up, agree. Alone. Isolated. Speak up. Alone. Isolated. I don't wish for another way. There is none. No one will understand and that is no problem. I know this will kill me so i can be should be able to be calm. I will never be without anxiety and disgust or nothingness
i’m ending my life in 2 to 3 weeks or less. i’ve been searching and calling for all of the things that i need. heroin, check. now i have to get two bottles of benzos. 1 bottle of clonazepam, 1 bottle of rohypnol. it’s the rohypnol one that might be tricky to get, because the girl who sells only sends them, and i can’t get them sent i don’t think. and a bottle of vodka, wich is no trouble at all of course. i don’t have much to do before then except for starving, becoming painfully thin. not only because i am just disgusting, but because i need to be as weak as possible when i overdose. when i overdose i will be completely sleep deprived and starved out. and that’s me most of the time anyways. i can’t wait to leave this world finally. then some small things that i’m going to do before the weeks before i do it. like clean out stuff that i don’t want to have left behind me. throw away diaries, clean out my phone and computer even though they have passwords. what else.. i don’t know. before when i used to think about this i used to really want to clean my whole room at parents and get rid of everything and take everything down from the walls and give away or throw away my things just so they wouldn’t have to. i guess i don’t care about that this time. i can’t be saved.
alcohol is putting an empathatic smile on my face and i truly do not mind at all. in fact, i like it. how could i not.
come on, say bird! say bird! oh bambi. i’ve watched dumbo, and now i’m watching bambi. of course i have cried. i love these movies.
day 1 over. going on day 2.i hate my life i hate myself i want to kill myself. i am completely alone. and i don’t have a home. i’m so depressed. i’m so isolated. i’m angry. i can’t trust anyone. only thing that i have in this world is ed. i’m all alone. i don’t plan on breaking this fast for a good while. i’m going to go buy vodka today. and have speed after meeting. i had a horrible day and night obviously. i am not seeing parents ever, until that stupid party that don’t matter anyways.
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all of this is compulsive writing. that is all this is.
Thinking about P/him is painful. I can feel everything i felt then when i think about it. I can taste the memory. It's so depressing. Everything about it. And it will never not be. The feelings stay, they will always stay. Because those are my last and only memories in relation to him and "his" city. (along with everything else that makes me think of him and became only him) It will never mean anything else than just him and pain. Unless new memories would be made. And that is so unlikely. It is safe to say that will never happen. Not in a long time at least. To be honest i know will go back. Next year. It's just going to happen. I'm going to hate myself and go mental with insecurity and self-loathing and anxiety, but i will still go, amazingly. He has already invited me again months ago. But i won't go until next year I am so pathetic.
still no answer