Umwege erweitern die Ortskenntnis

So this it. I have finally overcome my guilt at being a quitter and accepted that i just can’t go anymore and have nothing more to offer this world besides the realization that a morbidly depressed soul shouldn’t interfere in other peoples affairs at all, just to cling to a life he doesn’t really want anymore. I have always clung to moderation, compromise and forgiveness, but that’s not what this world needs at this point. The experiment failed. The world will continue and it will heal eventually, i have no doubt about it, as i have witnessed incredible things in motion that i can’t fully comprehend but admire. Yet my tired indecisiveness is most surely a part of what holds the necessary storm back and i do not have the energy to stand idly in it’s eye. Smarter and more compassionate people will pick up the pieces of my scattered memories, so i have comfort in knowing i haven’t lived in vain. I have always loved every aspect of life, even the grief. But i never learned to deal with wrath. We all need to burn the metaphorical hijab we wear for others, but also burn the oppressor inside of us that forces others to wear a hijab in front of us. That’s why the incredible bravery of the young woman and men of iran gives me so much hope for a better future. Don’t let them go unseen and unsupported. Their fight can and should be a great inspiration for the world and for everyone who faces oppression through religious and economic dogma. Do not give up hope. I didn’t either. Yet i have to face the fact that i have always been my very own worst oppressor. I am what i am. And my words do little to convey it, i know. But i know from experience how excruciatingly crushing it is to the soul to watch an incurable sickness consume someone you hold dear in your heart. My soul is tired and i feel the need to set this world free from its dependence on comfort and harmony for awhile. I have faith that the better parts of human nature can and will overcome this machine of competition we have built around ourselves. I only ask that you keep the memories of who i was better than i could. In love and in gratitude i say goodbye. Be merciful with yourself. - Sophie 💋

I have debated long and hard the past couple of days if i am deserving of last words after withholding them for too long. I have an inkling that way smarter people than me have already looked at my life and frowned their brows, shaken their heads and curled their toes. But I’d like to offer some little perspective on this day at sea. Going to visit my mother has been the best decision for years and it feels like it’s the first thing in a long time i decided for my own. I can feel the rising and sinking of the ship and to me it is her cradling me. With a lot of bottled up emotions. But I feel at peace.

Though i can’t shake off the thought that the world, the whole one and my small one is very much not at peace. It feels to me it is strangled by an ever hungry kraken, consuming ever more without pause, strangling whole populations and having little regard o for the planet it is feeding off. I am talking of course about capitalism. But i can’t help but finding aspects of that beast inside of me. I have always been consuming and absorbing more than i gave back, being overly dependent on leisure and comfort and harmony. These needs of mine had always pushed me to take the position of a mediator, seeking compromises where conflict would have been the more healing option in the long term. This is a result of the life i lived and i have grown to accept it. But i understand that this isn’t what will be required ahead. I feel a great storm is coming and it is very much necessary. But my constant tiredness and indecisiveness is holding it back. I have been moving in circles for a decade by now and the energy to break out of them eludes me by now.

If i am the protagonist in a movie i need to bring it to the credits, for it has become endlessly boring to watch. If i am the dreamer of this world, i need to wake up, for it has turned into a nightmare for many. If i am the control group for a social engineering experiment by an awakening AI, i need to stop the experiment, for the results are all wrong. If their is something divine about my soul, i need to burn it, because the last thing the world needs is another messiah, that plunges it into the next divide. And if i am just a crazy lonely soul, i simply need to go, because my soul longed to do so for far too long and i only held back for the people around me. My sickness is my ego and my constant need to assert my thoughts and opinions on others, while crawling back to the memory of home and having no energy to maintain any meaningful change through actions afterwards. I have always lived for and through others, but by know i learned what the words ‘You can’t pour from an empty cup.’ truly mean. And in these troubling times i can’t find a way to refill it without taking away from others it seems. I have always been a little raven, picking up shiny things, ideas and feelings here and there, that didn’t belong to me. But one can not maintain balance by taking alone and i have grown so weary of this aspect of mine. Depression never left me for long and i have experienced first hand what the slow decline of a closed loved one to an incurable disease will do the hearts and spirits of the ones who love and depend on them. I am aware of the countless people who offered me help and support and love over my life and i am deeply grateful for that. But some wounds can’t be healed. An eines Kranken Wesen kann keine Welt genesen.