as a parent now, it blows my fucking mind how terrifying, abusive, and straight up ineffective that parenting is. I’ve got a 2 year old. she’s a smart little fucker. when she does something wrong, I tell her, “baby, that wasn’t okay. here’s the reason it wasn’t okay - (hurt feelings, hurt other people’s stuff, etc). I know you don’t want to (hurt feeling, hurt stuff, etc), so next time, let’s (insert appropriate behavior) and that way, we won’t hurt people accidentally.” and you know what happens?
90% of the time, that behavior stops.
when the behavior continues, it’s when she’s extremely frustrated that she’s not getting a communication across. while she’s incredibly smart, there’s going to be some lapse in understanding between the two of us, and she lashes out by doing the things that she knows creates frustration in me, almost like she’s trying to make me understand she’s frustrated just like that.
so, I sit back down on her level. “baby, I can see that you’re mad/frustrated/upset/sad. let’s work this out together. I really want to understand what is bothering you.” if it’s something that can’t be done (stay awake from nap, eat sugary things before bedtime), then we find a compromise: you want to stay awake from nap to play with toys? let’s dig out an old toy you haven’t played with in a while after your nap! we’ll do it together and have lots of fun. you want something sugary right now? that will keep us awake for too long, but here’s some *really tasty favorite fruit* for now, and tomorrow, let’s bake cookies together when you wake up.
she’s two fucking years old. and she understands that shit. and now, often times, when she climbs into bed and she still wants to play, she’ll tell me, “tomorrow can we play with these toys, Mommy?”. she already understands compromise, and her behavior is fucking phenomenal.
I totally understand that it can be frustrating to parent. sometimes it feels like you’re hitting your head against a brick wall. BUT KIDS DON’T HAVE THE FUCKING ABILITY TO TURN ON THEIR LOGIC BRAIN WHEN THEY’RE HURTING EMOTIONALLY. WE, AS ADULTS, DO. and it is our fucking RESPONSIBILITY to help them turn their logic brain back on, and help them work thru that strong emotion, instead of punishing them by letting out our anger on them.
you know what would happen if I were to yell at my kid? she’d yell back, louder, and now know that this is an acceptable way to react now, and I’d effectively have made it hypocritical to tell her not to yell at me. bam.
you want to express extreme anger at a child for not having the emotional control that you aren’t capable of even showing right now? not gonna help. at all. my kid comes to me to find compromises now. she’s amazing. and she’s not even 3 years old. if you, as a grown ass adult, are not fucking able to see your children as developing humans that need GUIDANCE, not BRUTAL, AGGRESSIVE ANGER, then you prob shouldn’t have a goddamn kid.
