I’m never gonna know you now, but I’m gonna love you anyhow.

I had a dream about you that I think was sent to me by some higher power, in effort to show me things worked out for the best. It didn’t change much though, because I woke up. In the dream I showed you all the pictures on my phone, and you showed me around your room. It was clean enough but your interior decorating skills were a mess. I hugged you and it felt so real. Among all the bad stuff I imagined, I still just focus on that.

It kept me up for weeks after you stopped answering. I tried so hard to figure out what happened. Maybe you’d had enough of me whining about my life to you. Of course, soon after you disappeared, I finally added lithium to my home pharmacy. Now I’m pretty much normal. No trying to jump off buildings or mutilating myself since. (Cue Alanis Morissette, although I’m not sure she understood the meaning of irony, at least not in the literary sense). I’ve got normal person problems lately, like trying to fix my family and figure out what the fuck to do with my life.

Or maybe you also thought of me when you listened to twilight. You know which line. 

It’s possible it’s best we never talk again. You are the smartest person I know, so I should probably accept your judgement. All I know is I still feel your absence and I think I always will. 

I’m not sure you ever knew my name. I changed it a lot. Was it because I shared my name exclusively with women above 80? Probably that, in combination with my tendency to run away from myself. Regardless, it’s been Dani for about 6 years now. I just liked the sound of it, I guess. I always wondered how you felt about the shortened version of your name. I wonder about a lot. Is your hair still a little grown out, or did you make the mistake all men do and shave it? (Ok, I’m sorry, I’m mostly joking). Do you have the same job? Did you move to Australia? I could see you doing that. Probably not immediately though. You’d be responsible about it. Do you wonder about me? 

I could write forever. I better stop now before I start crying. I love you. HAGS.

maybe i should just get addicted to something that makes ppl hate u right lol

god im tired of pretending like i care about anything at all

everyone is so delusional and i dont have any purpose happy sunday heres to another week of absolutely nothing 

ok i ate some hummus im good now lol

sucks so bad alcohol just makes me sad and I’ve been off anything else for a long time I just have no relief from this idk what to do

Wish my psych gave me more than like 3 crumbs of Xanax a year

I’m just so tired and I hope I figure something out soon because I just don’t think I can keep this up for long

idk why the fuck anyone would have kids especially if they have mental illness like what about this experience screams create more of it ffs

I would get a therapist but I’ve had them since I was 11 and I feel like a large majority were dumber than me and they’ll just tell me I’m too hard on myself as if that has any fucking meaning like I might as well talk to that rogerian bot I’ll just make them feel worse if anything they def won’t solve my reality if just being conscious of how shit life is

I’m just fucking sick of it sick of myself and sick of everyone around me everyone’s a selfish moron and I pull 90% of the weight in every goddamn relationship except I don’t it just feels that way prolly cus I’m so goddamn needy and no love is ever enough for me the only reason I can survive this fucking 9 to 5 is because of a couple pills and the fear of death I fucking hate it I have panic attacks constantly I don’t enjoy jack shit I never have motivation to do any goddamn thing in my life I fucking hate everybody for making me stay here and getting upset over how shit I feel if I dare show it not that I have for years now I’m sooooo happy and we’ll adjusted ::::))))))) fuck you all especially my pos self. I’m not going to hurt myself or anything I just need one just one goddamn way to vent honestly sorry if u see this I can’t add a read more

god i forgot my meds last night and now my whole day is going to suck. i feel like shit