around me black bats dive up from the dark.

I should get to work a slightly wonky 50% time schedule where I work every week for the 2.5 days I am least impaired by being twenty maladies in a trench coat. I will work every business hour where I am not more than the level of sick an abled person with my job would take a sick day at. it will come out to about 20 hours a week probably. currently I spend all the rest of my time Working Through It and I am running out of get-up-and-go.

for this scenario to work, a part-time salary would need to be reasonably livable. get on that, society.

did you know that your eyes make some sort of oil/goop that without it your tears become ineffective at keeping your eyes appropriately wet? so you can have severe dry eye problems while also having just the wettest possible eyes (because they're making extra tears to try to fix the problem, but alas, the real problem is Goop Insufficiency).

I don't like that this is a problem I can have. I feel like I should either have dry eyes or wet eyes, not somehow both.

the combination is causing blurry vision and my inability to stop looking at screens because of paidjob and miscellaneous hubris is causing a two-day migraine. dislike.

the thing where I can't take a klonopin because I have my ketamine appointment today is frankly oppressing me. I want to get to the better living through chemistry portion of this shitty day right the fuck now, thank you.

steps

my grandmother is probably dead. the texts my mother (who is not her daughter) got were vague, which is bewildering to me. but probably she is dead. I am sad. I loved her very much

she had dementia so everyone is saying it's a blessing that she died and now her kids won't be burdened with her care anymore, which makes me want to do many murders in my heart. if this is how you feel about people with dementia, please don't tell me about it.

but it's true that she didn't know who I was anymore and I have been missing her for a long time.

she always used to keep in touch with me. we emailed and talked on the phone. i spent a week or two every summer at her house and we'd go to museums and see bad movies and have fancy tea and scones. she was very accepting when I came out as gay.* for my mom's side of the family, she was pretty no-bullshit. I used to call her on the phone every weekend even after she didn't know who I was because she liked to talk on the phone but eventually she couldn't understand how to use a phone anymore.

*I wasn't allowed to come out as bisexual because my family is weird.

you have a screaming migraine today and cannot take off due to your previous maladies/general policy of only taking off when you're in the hospital, which regrettably eats all your sick time every year anyway. this is unfair but it's also not fixable, so ignore it and do your job.

eat before two, because you can't eat after.